The Bid "D" word in a marriage,woman's perspective needed !

@bryanwmc (1052)
Malaysia
January 11, 2013 9:51pm CST
I have been married for close to 13 years and as with all normalcy, there are ups and owns, petty fights, serious quarrels that is part and parcel in the marriage package, yet as far as i can remember, all the previous disagreements i have had with my significant other, somehow, never involved threats of separation or the "D" word. this time things got slightly out of hand, in a quarrel we had. usually whenever we have a fight ( verbal of course) I totally lost my temper and shouted out things i regretted now! usually .things just get back to normal after a few days when we calm down and it'll be as if nothing has happened,always come to some compromise.. this time in the heat of the quarrel she actually stated getting a separation or divorce, " lets get Divorced if that is the way you feel!!" Have not spoken to her about the subject or had a serious conversation about anything since then apart from the normal obligatory greetings " have you had dinner? can you go fetch daughter? etc". The thought of the statement she made weighs heavily on my mind..i am thinking, should i take it seriously or is it a remark made in the heat of the moment and probably she wasn't serious in carrying out the intention or etc etc/ add troubled mind.. Friends always tell me guys and girls think differently, woman have a tendency to blurt out exactly how they feel in anger but get over it after a time whereas guys have a bit of control in saying things even when we are angry..but will do as they say. So you married ladies, when you threatened wanting a divorce to your partner in a quarrel, how serious are you about it?
7 responses
@francesca5 (1344)
12 Jan 13
I am not an expert on this, but there is a theory on relationships that a couple can get into a pattern of arguments, where they both adopt positions, quite often based on the relationships styles they had with their parents, as children, and just carry on repeating these patterns of behaviour. if you don't want to get divorced, then the best thing you can do is apologise, and look at how you both argue, if you can find someone qualified as a relationship counsellor that would be the best way, but otherwise you can read about it. its all to do with how we learnt to argue as children, and we continue with those patterns in adulthood, so its just escaping from them, and listening more to what the other person has to say, and not adopting the automatic response. here's a link to some information, I don't how reliable it is, but the last paragraph talks about the unresolved aspect of arguing. http://www.relationships-explained.com/pages/arguments.html sometimes people marry the wrong person, and then they should get divorced, sometimes people marry the right person, but problems can arise. Seeing as the divorce threat was made in the heat of the moment in response to something you had said, I would think that you fall into second category, rather than the first, in that it is a good relationship really, but you are arguing too much. so if you try and sort out the issues then things should improve.
2 people like this
@bryanwmc (1052)
• Malaysia
12 Jan 13
thank you for the link, it is highly informative and i swear almost like describing the situation i am in now except for a few points but reading a few paragraphs in the article allows an added insight or dimension to my situation, if anything, it makes one slightly more aware similar situations and what i may or may not have commited , especially the part about verbal assaults being a big NO NO..reflecting on that , i think i can relate and agree on the points stated.. so far after about a week past the situation , can sense as if both are feeling sheepish about it and without saying as much , would prefer to just let it slide on by, knowing it will just create a horribly ackward situation by bringing it up, we are back in talking terms , myself ,the statement pushed to the back of my mind...maybe same with her..
13 Jan 13
That's good news, and maybe you can both learn some lessons from this, as you both seem to have realised that you have gone to a point neither of you really want to.
• United States
12 Jan 13
I've been married just over 15 yrs and my hubby and I have had several arguments. I think most married people do. Unfortunaly one of the things that we do when we argue is say things that we don't mean in the heat of anger. The only one who knows if your wife was really serious about a divorce is her. Think it best that you both wait until the situation calms down and then talk it out. The threat is out there so I wouldn't think that it should be ignored. Whether she meant it or not I don't think is the point. More so the point is why she felt that way. I think you need so talk about what the arguement was about to begin with. Only not when you are both so upset that you say thing unintentionally. Hope you and your wife work things out.
1 person likes this
@bryanwmc (1052)
• Malaysia
12 Jan 13
Mainly it is also because i have encountered similar siuations among friends and acquaintances that has a same scenario.. it is not exclusively because it happened to me, few years ago , a friend had a quarrel with his wife then , in anger and frustration she told him she wanted a divorce , and both agreed but somehow after a time , maybe reason prevailed and both decided it is not a good idea after all and they are still married and happy as ever. my own cousin went through similar situation and one time when they were fighting about something , she practically screamed out she wanted to divorce her husband but NO ,it did not happen , and they have gone on and had another kid..and today as loving as a couple..
• United States
12 Jan 13
It doesn't matter how serious any other woman was when she threatened getting a divorce during an argument. What matters is how serious your wife was when she said it to you. You're not going to find that out by asking third parties about their experiences, so quit speculating and go talk to your wife. It's probably going to be an awkward conversation, but things between you are just going to get worse if you don't communicate with each other.
1 person likes this
@bryanwmc (1052)
• Malaysia
12 Jan 13
To me it is like getting an insight or broader perspective from a woman's point of view ,there are ladies who are so frustrated by their marital situation that in a emotional rage they have a showdown with spouses. and succeeded in getting their spouses to come around. who knows ,there may be very valid suggestions on how to view it from a completely different dimension and makes one suddenly realise that which is obvious and plain to see. i am aware that i have to eventually deal with it or let it slide as the atmosphere on the domestic front seem to be suggesting, but at least attaining a broader perspective may be helpful if i need to talk about it., Experience has allowed me to see that it is a situation not limited exclusively to myself but i have come to know of some similar occurences the past few years among friends and acquaintances, some more serious than others , yet in spite of, most of which did not materialise and the couples are as happy as ever , still together.
@ZoeJoy (1395)
• United States
12 Jan 13
Since about half of marriages end up in divorce, if you are asking the general public, then there could be a 50 percent chance that married ladies are indeed serious about divorce. But, it isn't 'married ladies' that is your concern, it is your own WIFE that you need to be concerned about. Since you said something that you regretted to say, and pushed it tooo far, then she replied with an answer that only makes sense, she replied with an answer that was pushed tooo far, as well. You both ended up on the same LOW level in an argument. You both need to talk to each other. She is not 'married ladies' she is YOUR wife. You also need to apologize to her. And then, promise her - even in the heat of an argument, never to say something that you will regret. And yes, I am speaking as a married woman, my husband and I have been married for 26 years. When we were first married, after several arguments when we did say things to each other that were hurtful, we sat down and make some ground rules. We made ground rules about how we were going to argue with each other and what is or is not acceptable. One; we never are allowed to personally attack each other. Two; we talk things over afterwards and don't go to bed angry with each other. Sometimes, we had stayed up all night discussing things or cooling off because we had made this rule. :) There are other ground rules but you get the picture. Couples do NOT need to argue to the point of saying things that they will regret. Marriage is about love but also about RESPECT. Yep, even being respectful during the times, when not agreeing with each other, upset with each other or even when arguing. Apologize and tell her that you will be more loving but also, more respectful towards her. Reassure her that you will always treat her with kindness and consideration, because you don't ever want to have to contemplate the 'D' word again. And then buy her a dozen roses. :)
@devonavis (1857)
• Greece
12 Jan 13
I'm not a married person and I'm not sure if I have the qualification to respond here knowing that this issue is not just normal thing. I consider my father as my best role model and I really look up to him. I always listen to him when he gives advices to other people. I once heard him say that 'divorce is never the right decision' to solve problems like this. At my age now, I found my self agreeing to what he said. In the first place, just my thought, there should be no divorce because when the marriage happened, there was the intervention of God and this should not be broken. I know this issue is not that easy as I think and there's a lot of things to be considered. I just hope that whatever is holding you guys back to talk or to fix everything, just let it all go away and seriously talk it out. I suppose you are the man so maybe your woman is waiting for your first move already.
1 person likes this
@bryanwmc (1052)
• Malaysia
12 Jan 13
i guess nobody can claim to be an expert in matters like this, we are all different individuals, couples also consist of two distinct personalities with own character traits and flaws . if it is an issue that has been festering for some time then it certainly is a "problem " that needs to be addressed but it was a remark made on the heat of the moment so therein lies the confusion..
@jenny1015 (13394)
• Philippines
12 Jan 13
It is a major decision of course. And I think that you should re-assess the whole situation before finally deciding to file a divorce, I mean, think of what caused your argument. Is it worth it to be the cause of your divorce? Is it something that you are ready face?
1 person likes this
@bryanwmc (1052)
• Malaysia
12 Jan 13
well since then, after about a week now, both of us are back in talking terms although the "incident" is not mentioned, both nice and calm, situation normal. strangely , it feels as if we rather let it slide instead of bringing it up and create a very ackward and tense situation, i am thinking , let all be nice and calm before i consider bringing up the topic on what was said...
@dee777 (1418)
• South Africa
13 Jan 13
Shame man! You really need to sit down with her and apologize for what you said to her - please. Sometimes women want their husbands' attention and then say the wrong things too. I am sure she is feeling pretty bad for using the 'D' word. She wanted to shock you... she did not mean it...please go talk to her...