My friend is very insecure and afraid of losing our friendship

@Porcospino (18396)
Denmark
March 1, 2013 4:12am CST
I have a friend who doesn't have other friends than me and she is always afraid of losing our friendship. I often receive messages from her where she writes things like "Am I your best friend?" or "Will you be my friend forever?" and it doesn't really matter what I say, she keeps asking the same questions. We don't live in the same part of the country and we usually send eachother christmas presents. We also did that last year. When I had received her present I immediately wrote her, I thanked for the present and I told her that I liked it. That was the truth I did like the present. She wrote me back and told me that she was happy that I liked the present. A few hours later she wrote me another message where she asked me if I was sure that I liked the present. Once again I told her that I liked the present. A few days passed and then she wrote me again and she asked again if I liked the present. I am not sure how to handle the situation. I try to answer her questions, but it doesn't really matter what I write she still feels insecure. What would you in my situation?
1 person likes this
9 responses
@jenny1015 (13389)
• Philippines
1 Mar 13
Most likely, your friend fears that you might find other friends which might lessen your time with her/him. There are people who feels so domineering over their friends and would not allow their friends to be close to other people.
1 person likes this
@Porcospino (18396)
• Denmark
1 Mar 13
My friend knows that I have other friends, but she is afraid that she isn't my favourite friend and I think that is the reason why she keeps on asking me those questions. I treasure our friendship and I have told her that several times, but she still feels insecure and worried that the friendship might end. I think that she is a little jealous at my other friends sometimes and she would like to be my only friend just like I am her only friend.
@jenny1015 (13389)
• Philippines
2 Mar 13
That's exactly what I was saying. She just wants you to be with her all the time and not with your other friends. I think that is pretty scary.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (35522)
• United States
2 Mar 13
Maybe she just has a mental illness of some kind like OCD or something where she needs to always ask and reassure herself. If this is someone you are really good friends with, I would not let it bother you, and just reassure her every time she asks unless she is being annoying. You would not want to loose a Good friend just because you did not want to answer them would you?
1 person likes this
@Porcospino (18396)
• Denmark
6 Mar 13
I hadn't thought about OCD or another mental illness, but I think that it is possible because she keeps thinking about the the same things and she asks the same questions over and over. Yes, I do reassure her when she asks me those questions, but sometimes I don't know what to say to her because I know that she is going to ask again and I wish that I could say something that would help her forget her her worries. When I tell her that our friendship is important to me and that I don't intend to end the friendship at all, it is the truth, but it is hard for her to believe the things that I say.
@chiyosan (30204)
• Philippines
2 Mar 13
I see that she is indeed very insecure about your relationship. I think it is really more about her experiences and what she went through before that made her this way. She could be having trust issues, not believing in what people are telling her because she was fooled before. Mabee of she was a friend I would talk to her and tell her that I do consider her as a good friend and nothing can change that. Id let her know that i would always be there for her and will tell her that she needs to feel secure that I am always just here. That she can stop worrying about us and about my sincerity too.
1 person likes this
@Porcospino (18396)
• Denmark
6 Mar 13
I think you are right about my friend because she did have some bad experiences with friendships in the past. She had one friend who ignored her sometimes and talked to her sometimes (if she didn't have another people to talk to). That girl let my friend down so many times, and I think that has something to do with the fact that my friend finds it hard to believe in our friendship. I would never do the same thing, but I understand that it is hard for her to trust other people after the bad experiences that she had in the past. We have been friends for several years and I hope that she will learn to believe me when I say that I don't plan on ending our friendship.
• United States
2 Mar 13
I know how you are feeling, I have been in your situation, and in your friend's situation before. Loosing touch with your friends, that has been your friends for years, is a hard thought. I finally realized that we had just become two different people, so I just had to let them go. Also I would try to comfort your friend, and maybe put yourself in her shoes. It is hard to be lonely, but maybe you could bring her out of her shell and encourage her to make new friends where she is. I hope this helps!
1 person likes this
@Porcospino (18396)
• Denmark
6 Mar 13
I hope that she will be able to find new friends in the area where she lives. We have been friends for several years, but we don't live in the same part of the country and we are not able to meet that often. I know that she often feels lonely in her town, but I think it is would help if she was able to find some friends from her own area. I have decided to introduce her to some the social networking sites and online discussion sites that I use and maybe she will be able to find new friends through some of those sites. She has had some bad experienced with friendships in the past (friends who ignored her most of time and only talked to her when they had no one else to talk to) but I hope that she can find some friends who don't behave like that.
@Raine38 (9193)
• United States
1 Mar 13
If she is truly my friend, then I will be straight with her. I will tell her that as much as I treasure our friendship, I am getting uncomfortable whenever she seems like she is so insecure with my friendship. That only means that she's not sure of my friendship and it bothers me. I will also encourage her to try to befriend other people. That doesn't mean of course that we will no longer be friends. Then we can talk about her new friends and compare notes. That will be better to talk about rather than for her to keep on asking me about us being friends, being best friends forever, etc. And I will also request her to be honest and open with me, what's her feelings about the whole friendship. What happened that made her that way. If she really is a friend to me, she will be open and understand that I only have her best intentions at heart.
1 person likes this
@Porcospino (18396)
• Denmark
2 Mar 13
I think that it is a good idea to encourage her to meet other people. I don't plan on ending our friendship, not at all, but I think that it would be good for her to have more than one friend. She is lonely sometimes and we don't live in the same part of the country so we can't meet that often. Yes, I get uncomfortable when she is so insecure about our friendship. I try to answer her questions and I tell her that I treasure our friendship, but somehow it doesn't' really matter what I tell her, she still feels insecure and worried. I mean it when I say that I treasure our friendsship, but it does bother me that she doesn't seem believe me.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
1 Mar 13
Hi, It is very surprising behavior. She has no friend without you. So I think as per the response of our mylot friend viju, you should give information about mylot. She can add more friends and share her feelings with them. It will help her to reduce her insecure feeling.
1 person likes this
@Porcospino (18396)
• Denmark
1 Mar 13
I would like to introduce her to Mylot, but unfortunately it is very hard for her to read and write English, and it would be hard for her to participate here. That is sad, because I think that she could find many nice friends here an enjoy the discussions if she didn't have to write in English. But the things and you and viju wrote gave me another idea because I know a Danish discussion site where there are many members and I could suggest that she joins that site. She would be able to write Danish there and maybe she could get to know some of the other members from that site.
@viju0410 (2286)
• India
1 Mar 13
Hi, Why is she feeling insecured and lose your friendship. Tell her that both of you are friends and you always free to communicate anything with her. If she's not having friends, why not you introduce mylot to her? She will also feel motivated as well as her confidence level increase by reading/posting and learning about other people / their life.
@Porcospino (18396)
• Denmark
1 Mar 13
I think that she is afraid of losing my friendship because she doesn't have other friends than me and if our friendship ends she would have no friends at all. I have told her many times that I don't plan on ending our friendship at all, but she is still worried about it because she is very insecure and she has a low self estreem. I would love to introduce her to Mylot, but unfortunately she finds it very hard to read and write English so I think it would be too hard for her to participate here. That is a shame, because I think that she could find many nice friends here and also learn a lot from the discussions.
@TriciaW (2441)
• United States
1 Mar 13
My guess is her actions of insecurity is what has left her with no friends. Maybe if you just say to her that you cherish all friendships hers included and because she is your friend that you need to be honest with her. Tell her how you see her acting and that comments like that are what push friends away. Assure her not to worry that you are not leaving her but that you need her to work on her security issues so that your friendship can grow even more. I have found that if you don't she will get even worse and the under lying insecurity is not something you can cure and she needs more help then just you. Maybe suggest that she see someone and find out why she is so insecure so that she can be happier and make even more friends. It is sad when someone feels this way about themselves. It always breaks my heart to see someone with such low self esteem. I hope you being honest with her will encourage her to get some help and become happier with herself. No one deserves to feel that way all the time. I know it must be very frustrating to you but just by sticking by her it shows what a wonderful person you are. The world needs more people like you in it!!
1 person likes this
@Porcospino (18396)
• Denmark
1 Mar 13
Thank you very much for your advice og the nice words about me. I think it is true that comments like that push people away especially if she repeats them as often as she does. The last things that she wants is to push people away but she might creste the situation that she is afraid of if she continues with those coments. She is a very nice girl, but she doesn't see herself that way, and her self esteem is very low. The under lying insecurity is not somehing I can cure, I agree with that. I can tell her that I our treasure our friendship and all those things, but that doesn't remove her feeling of insecurity and she keeps on asking me the same questions because she is still worried. I hope that she will be willing to work on her security problems. It must be painful have those worries all the time.
@tkonlinevn (5784)
• Vietnam
11 Mar 13
I'm afraid that you'll be tired if you and her don't change. I know that friendship is good. However, it's doesn't mean that you must binding with a person all day.
1 person likes this