Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking

@leateagee (3667)
China
April 16, 2013 10:10am CST
. . . is it really possible? I am a new parent. My daughter is only almost two months. I had been thinking what kind of a parent would I be. Would I be strict or kind? Would I ever lay my hands on her? Because of these worries my husband got me a book "Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking" by Jerry Wyckoff and Barbara Unell. I have just read the preface and the introduction ... There are a lot of things playing in my mind, like "Is it really possible?" I'm not sure if I was a problematic child when I was young but now I'm a good citizen with no bad records. Without reading the book. How could I discipline my child in her forming years ... preschooler? Have you had any problems with young people? How did you handle it? Please share. Thank you! Have a great day!
2 people like this
15 responses
@Bluedoll (9593)
• Canada
16 Apr 13
I agree the more you do in the early years the better things will be later on. I've heard people say if a baby cries let them cry for if you show too much attention you will spoil them. I don't believe this because if you ignore your child what kind of message are you sending? When you think of this that is what kind of message are you sending it can cover a lot of things. All parents are human though and will make mistakes and children do test the water. So when discipline does arrive how it will depends on every single situation, the child and the parent. There is no one single rule. Reward the positive discourage the negative (like take something away). ps: maybe this applies to adults too because if they are not nice to us we wouldn't talk to them.
1 person likes this
@leateagee (3667)
• China
17 Apr 13
Is there a choice ( e ) none of the above. Reading it and thinking of how to react is different in real life situations. I believe that life is good but when this thing happens, for now I can only think of talking to him and if he doesn't stop we would go home. Maybe I'll just buy the thing I have to buy some other times.
@Bluedoll (9593)
• Canada
16 Apr 13
I find like all other things of life just when you think you have the answers you fall on your face. I do! Like life is good when it is good but what happens in the store when little 2 year old Johnny begins taking a temper tantrum and some people are looking extremely annoyed? a) stick a sock in his mouth b) run away and never go back c) apologize to everyone by kneeling and holding your head in your hands d) look around the store and pretend you forgot what you wanted which by then you probably have anyway
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@leateagee (3667)
• China
16 Apr 13
I agree. We reward and we punish accordingly. And also you are right we could apply these to adults or we are already applying. The forming years is difficult to handle because they will remember this for the rest of their lives.
@roshigo58 (4877)
• Pune, India
16 Apr 13
Hi, Your child is now only two months old. you should not be strict. You should discipline your child kindly and softly. My wife hadn't read any book for raising my son. she used to behave with him very kindly and lovingly. She taught him what is wrong and what is write. As you are a good human being your child will also become a goo human being having moral values. Don't worry.
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@leateagee (3667)
• China
16 Apr 13
I haven't read the whole book yet, just starting. With the high-tech world and generation we have now people always try to find answers to questions. Thank you, I hope I could be near the best parent because I want my daughter to have good memories growing up. I will be doing my best to create and maintain a good bond with her.
@Bluedoll (9593)
• Canada
16 Apr 13
I was suspicious at first when I read what you wrote thinking you had wrote this after reading something you didn't like about raising children and wanted to comment with a question. I understand what you are saying. I think the best parents are the ones that question and look for answers by far. When it comes to parenting the real parent is the parent of the child. There is a bond there that is not easily broken.
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@leateagee (3667)
• China
16 Apr 13
Thanks for comforting me. I got into this worries because as you all know here I am a teacher too and I will be opening a class on Saturday and Sunday to preschoolers. Well, I don't shout or spank them because I get help from others. Being a new mom and all the stories around made me into this situation. But you have a point there, my mom didn't read any books about this kinda things. She was just like your wife.
@maximax8 (27060)
16 Apr 13
It is great that you have begun reading a book called "Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking". At university and in my first teaching job I learned praise is powerful and to catch them being good then give praise. As a parent of children aged nearly 6 years old and nearly 4 years old I give a warning then if the bad behavior follows I will put him or her in time out. My son gets 5 minutes and my daughter gets three minutes. It is meant to be a quiet time of reflection. After this he or she says sorry to me. A toddler can have a naughty mat. Older children can have rewards for good behavior and time out for bad behavior. The time should be one minute for each of the child's life so far. I wouldn't begin that until the child was ready for that. A treat could be half an hours TV, a play session in a park or a trip to the beach to make sand castles. Ignore the bad and praise the good can work well. Stop something dangerous though.
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@leateagee (3667)
• China
17 Apr 13
I undertand you now. The more we make their good side stronger the lesser the negative comes out. Time out is necessary I believe. They are kids and learning things from us. We beat them with discipline, they will not grow to be peace loving but instead scared individuals.
@maximax8 (27060)
16 Apr 13
If you notice the good then praise the child won't be mildly bad you see. He or she will build a high self esteem and like to please in order to get more praise hopefully. It is not right to be punishing all the time. Rewarding and praise work much better you see. Time out also works well I have found.
@leateagee (3667)
• China
16 Apr 13
Got them. Though I hav eto learn how to see if the kid is ready. But certainly I will stop anything harmful. Why should I ignore the bad? It might become a bad habit since there is no punishment.
@jenny1015 (13407)
• Philippines
17 Apr 13
This is what I have learned after raising 4 kids. All kids can be mischievous at times. And as parents, we are responsible for teaching them the good things and inform them of what to avoid. And I realized that if parents have this good communication with their kids, kids will grow up in a way that parents will not be having too much problems. One advice though, talk to your spouse about how you should deal with your child. If your child did something wrong, let your child realize the mistake that she has done and do not let any one of you to come to the "rescue" and make the other spouse look bad in front of your child. Never spoil your child if you do not want to have problems in raising her.
@leateagee (3667)
• China
17 Apr 13
Ok. Got it. I would certainly do that. Anyway, my husband and I always talk about things. I hope he won't take sides or disagree with the discipline I will impose. Or maybe, its the other way around. I will be very open to my views on raising a child.
@jenny1015 (13407)
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
Just think of it this way: You do not want to instill discipline on your kids just to make them stay away from your own personal affairs or from trying to get rid of all the noise that they create. We discipline our kids because we want to mold them in a way that will make them good citizens and great children of God.
• Pakistan
17 Apr 13
yes surely it is posssible that we make discipline without shouting but this is how possible need very pation and mind control ,it show how much you trained or getting best social training we see that general people want that everyone listen him but for wht cost and purpose its emotionaly arises ,so first thing is to get achieved best patient be smiling trying avoid angryness then speak softly gradually discipline occur in your surrounding why we suppos to other to make discipline we try it to make own value
@leateagee (3667)
• China
17 Apr 13
I agree with you. We should have self-control. Our children's behavior reflect on the way we discipline them. The values we teach them will be observed by others. Thanks for the sharing.
@HeartROB (434)
• Philippines
17 Apr 13
I think it is really possible to discipline a child without shouting or spanking. I think it comes to us on how to deal with it and to have a lot of patience. We just have to keep in mind that it is a child that we are talking to, we just have to have a lot of patience in dealing with them and talk to them to make them understand that what they are doing is wrong or right. I think we just have to raise our voice a little bit to show superiority and they have to follow. Maybe try a positive feedback approach if they do something good, show it to them, give them reward. If they do something bad, then make a little punishment that is not harsh that would make them understand that they have done something bad, then after punishing them, say that you forgive him or her and should not do it again. Stay being a good parent my friend. Have a nice day.
@leateagee (3667)
• China
17 Apr 13
Thanks. I will do my best to stay being a good parent. When situation arises and a parent is tired, the calmness and patience will all be gone. Parents are always tempted to spank or shout. I think, parents should have a great sense of patience and always remember, this young people are learning from us. It is easy to say but so hard to do. I will do my best.
@averygirl72 (2481)
• Philippines
17 Apr 13
I'm not a parent but I handled school children and I have experience with behaviors. I used to take care of the young members of the family and I see how they grew up. First I don't want to shout and spank a child but when I became a teacher I realize there are some kids that you really want to shout and spank often. I shouted a lot to control them. There are kids that don't need to be shouted or spank because they are naturally behave. My sister I used to treat her gently but now she is turning so rude I want to spank her and now I shouted a lot on her. I mean you will adjust your style in disciplining depending on how bad the child is.
@leateagee (3667)
• China
17 Apr 13
As a tecaher it is hard to discipline because the children are not our own. We try to control our temper as much as possible. I have never shouted or spanked a student. BUT i have complained a lot to their parents. they even gave me the permission to hurt their children. But I never did. I want them to grow up in my class respecting and loving me. Should we really hit children who are naughty or extremely naughty? Maybe there is a way to help them behave well.
@lelin1123 (15651)
• Puerto Rico
16 Apr 13
Since I was spanked as a child I swore I wouldn't do the same to my kids. I think small kids should never be spanked I think you can talk to them in a civil tone and get what you need or want from them without problems. It is when they become teenagers that you could end up with problems. I have two girls who are now in their thirty's with their own kids. I believe the younger one the most she got when she was 15 or 16 was me pulling her hair. She gave me alot of trouble when she got to her teens where the older one was an angel. I do believe though for the most part you could definitely dicipline without yelling or spanking. Good luck!
@leateagee (3667)
• China
17 Apr 13
I believe the same for I have no vivid memory that I was spanked or shouted at. What I can remember is that my mom has her ways of talking taht hurts me or makes me follow. There is a saying "Sticks and stones may hurt your bone but words may break your heart." I think I don't like the breaking of heart thing so I behaved well. I agree, it in the teen years I'll be having more issues for I have experienced it myself. I was a head strong but not as strong as the others I guess.
@kemak28 (738)
• United States
16 Apr 13
My daughter is almost 2 years old. She is dificult at this age with temper tantrums, screaming, etc... From day one we have said "no" very firmly to get her attention. I'll admit at times I have screamed at her and she has been spanked a couple of times but I regret doing it now only because after I've done that she then thought she could hit others and scream as well. So it's confusing to her when I'm saying no yelling, no hitting yet I go and do it. So it's best not to do it... but I can see how parents do resort to that. My parents spanked me and I turned out fine and behaved and learned so it probably just depends on the child. I'm just having to work on my patience with her and sticking to it by just repeating myself and talking firmly to her until she gets it. If only it were that easy! As for your child being 2 months old I would just raise my voice a bit and say no to teach them what is right or wrong... but at 2 months it's hard for them to be doing too much wrong at that age. Good luck!
@leateagee (3667)
• China
17 Apr 13
I am trying to picture your life now. Sometimes fun because she can follow you already and showing you adorable skills and sometimes not because she is already forming her own personality. They two years old is called "terrible two." I hope it won't be that bad. I wish you all the best. I think, though you were spanked your parents also explained in the process why they did that to you. Yes, I think you really should work on your patience. Well, I have no problems yet with my baby but I just worry if I can be a good parent when she already become like your daughter.
• Philippines
17 Apr 13
I might as well read that book. Thank you for sharing it. Being a parent is a tough job. It's a hard job. I just realized it when I had a son. I made regrets when it comes to disciplining my own child. I was immature and young back then. I'm a teenage, single mom at the age of 16. I do recall, I keep on yelling at him because he was so damn noisy at the age of 3 mos. I don't have any knowledge when it comes to Growth and Development. Fast forward, I had some mistakes in disciplining him I still can't control his attitude. Now that he's 7 years old, I am now aware of what am I doing. I told myself that I will not shout nor spank him. I'll just raise my brow when makes a mistake. A friend told me that you learn as you also applies when it comes to parenting.
@babyeve (1051)
• Seychelles
17 Apr 13
Set clear rules. Give your child a fair opportunity to follow your rules by stating the rules clearly and making sure that your child understands them. Be sure to explain to your child why these rules are important. You may find that you have less need for discipline when your child understands why certain behaviors are appropriate or inappropriate.
@SIMPLYD (42235)
• Philippines
17 Apr 13
I disciplined our daughter by talking to her lovingly. Specially when it comes to buying things at the mall. I just simply tell her Mommy has no budget for that and we will not be able to buy our foods if we buy that. And she will say okay mom, just next time when you already have the money. She never ever insist on what she wants.
@joizee (503)
• Philippines
17 Apr 13
Hi Leateagee! I am a new mom too, my daughter's just turning 3...the terrible three they say. And I am having difficulties in controlling her tantrums. Whenever she wants something, she usually throws a tantrum and she is hurting herself or us, parents. I fear that if I don't stop this self harming, she might continue hurting herself until she grows up. My first attempt was to just let her and let her stop on her own. It was getting effective because we're the only ones left at home so I do other things instead of focusing on her. She can cry as hard as she can and as long as she can but I would just be here and wait for her to stop. She really stops for a couple of minutes (I think 5-10 mins of crying/shouting/coughing) then I come to her to hug and kiss her. The good thing about it is she apologizes after she did her tantrums. It was changed because my husband opted to do home-based jobs too. So my daughter gets to be hugged and kissed or be shouted at and spanked in the hand whenever she throws a tantrum because my husband wants her to stop immediately. I really want to avoid physical disciplinary actions but I guess I am too weak in controlling my temper. And my daughter cries more when being comforted. So now, what I am trying to do (and also involving my husband to do the same) is just one word or one shouting for her to respond. If she continues to cry or behave badly, I would ignore her until she stops. I don't actually follow the book, but it is good to know what other methods you can apply. Since your baby is still an infant, you and your partner should decide together what disciplinary method you will practice on her. The earlier you use it, the better the child can adapt. That was, I think, what made our daughter a little (I don't like to say it) spoiled (there I said it). Because we don't scold her during her early years (from 0-1) until she was 2 years old. So she's kind of wondering whether it's fun and games or another thing. Hope these help. Good luck on parenting! :)
@neelia27 (897)
• Philippines
17 Apr 13
children in their formative years like turning two on wards really are hard headed they tend to do what they want and if they don't get what they want they will start crying and crying and crying.. and they are hard to console..my son is turning two and i noticed that his attitude sometimes is unbearable that is why i must admit that i shouted on him so many times but as much as possible i never lay a hand on him.. anyways after so many incidents with my son like he was acting really annoying i have done a research about his attitude and i found out that he was on a stage called terrible two.. and now inch by inch i already used to my babies tantrums.. i just let him cry and after a minute or two i will approached him and hugged him and he will stop.. and now i don't have to shout at him whenever he has tantrums..
@Paper_Doll (2379)
• Philippines
17 Apr 13
I was told that if you hit a child regularly, I mean even if it is just because of a simple reason, they will no longer appreciate the value of spanking or hitting them. The child will just see this as something that you do everytime he does something bad, not a method or way of disciplining them which can greatly affect them psychologically. I think that what kind of mother I will be will depend on what kind of father my husband will be to our children. My husband is this kind of person that will always follow or give in to what the child wants. So definitely, I will be the strict one. He has a three year old nephew and whenever he can't control him or the boy is throwing tantrums, he would call me and the boy will stop. I have never hit or spank this child but he knows clearly that when I say NO, it is a NO. Whether he cries, or don't eat, I am not going to break my decisions. Children must learn self discipline as early as possible.