By Amanda Young
January 16, 2015 9:33am CST
What is a soulmate? How do you find your soulmate? These questions have plagued humankind ever since the first writer wrote of finding a soulmate and how wonderful life is because of him/her. However, it is of my belief, that there is no such thing as a soulmate. What you get is someone you have a deep connection to, that you love beyond just the first stage of puppy love, that is more to you than even your own self. How do you find this person? It depends on your path in life. If you live a destructive life full of drug abuse and alcoholism, then your soulmate is the person who pushes you further down this path and encourages you to keep doing the things that you know will kill you in the end. Finding a soulmate isn't determined by who is the best match for YOU. It's determined by where you are in life when you begin your search. I'm writing this now because a family member in my husbands' family has just died. He was only 38 years old, but he was an alcoholic and drug user. His wife, while she would deny it, encouraged this behavior through verbal, mental, and emotional abuse towards him. He died from liver and kidney failure. Yet the people most torn up about his death is his dad and step-mom. They raised him, and now they feel as if they failed him. They lost a daughter to cancer, a son to drugs and alcohol, and they have one son and one daughter left and the son refuses to work, tend to his daughter, or do anything besides complain about his lot in life while the daughter is slowly bleeding her parents financial standing dry. They've already sold their land, house, and given up their retirement funds to this female. However, if he (the son who just died) had just had something else in his life, would he have continued down this path? If he had stronger will power, would he have been able to resist his wife and the lure of the dangerous? Probably not. You see, his parents didn't know what we know now, that children watch and mimic their parental figures. They would drink, and yes even do drugs, to the point of passing out if they were stressed out or fighting, or even if they just wanted to relax. This mindset went into their children, who then later picked up the habit as well. So, finding a soulmate isn't just dependent on WHERE you are in life, but also what your mindset is when you find the person you believe you want to spend the rest of your life with. So, a woman who has just gotten out of an abusive relationship WILL find her soulmate in a man who, while claiming to love her more than anything else in the world, will abuse her. He may not abuse her in the same manner as her ex-partner, but she will be abused. A person who was raised around alcoholics, will look for an alcoholic. Same deal with a drug user. An adult who was molested as a child knows no other way of life and may try to seek someone who either was molested, or has the tendency to want to molest little children. It's just a fact of life. No one thinks they can do better than where they are at at this moment in their life. Many strive to have something better, but fail long before reaching their goal. I swore I would never get divorced. That I would remain married to my children's father from the point I said "I do" to the point one of us took our last breath. However, here I am, a semi-single mother with three kids and an ex-husband on the opposite side of the country wanting to kill me but unable because he's not allowed to leave the state. What changed? I got smarter. I realized that living in an abusive relationship wasn't right, and wasn't what I or my children needed in our lives. I also swore I would never leave my homestate. That my kids would know who was in their family, would be raised surrounded by family, and that nothing could change my mind. What changed? I switched religions and now my family is helping my ex hunt me down in order to kill me and take the children away before I "poison" their minds. So, like I said, it's rare that people get out of their situations. It takes a strong force to make people leave their comfort zones. For me, it was finding out that my ex-husband was allowing my step-son to sexually abuse my daughter, all because the boy was being sexually abused by HIS mother and my ex-husband saw no problems with allowing it to happen in our home. I saw the problem though. And I realized that I didn't want my children to have the life that I had. I had thought that if I kept it all bottled up inside, kept it behind closed doors, it wouldn't affect them. But I was wrong. Finding your soulmate isn't some magical experience. It isn't an "Ah-ha" moment where everything clicks into place. Soulmates simply do NOT exist. While you can love someone intensely, claim all you want that they are your soulmate, eventually you change, or the person you are with changes, and they aren't (or you aren't) the same person anymore. Keeping a relationship alive takes more than saying "Oh, you're my soulmate and that means we HAVE to be together forever" because that way of thinking will have you filing for divorce before you have been married ten (10) years. If you want to find a soulmate, look to yourself. Make the changes you need to make to be a better person, and then the right guy or girl will come to you. Your inner light, inner confidence, will shine so brightly that no one will be able to stay away. And when you find that guy or girl, work at the relationship like you did with yourself. Be kind to them, help them when they need that little push to do what they are wanting to do in life. Communicate your thoughts, your feelings, your desires and your wishes to each other. Take time to get to know each other, don't rush into anything. You'll be happier, and have a healthier relationship if you do make the change and take a chance.