My defining moments (sorry for the book)

@sissy15 (5634)
United States
November 1, 2015 1:20am CST
While writing my last post I started thinking about the more defining things in my life, that have helped make me who I am. 1. My grandma's death. I was 5 when my mom's mom died. I was really close to her. She lived next door to us, and I was over there every single day, until one day there was an ambulance outside, and I wanted to go over and see what was going on, but my mom wouldn't let me. She made me stay home. After it left I went over and asked my aunt where my grandma was, and she told me heaven. I didn't understand. I asked when she would be back, and my aunt told me she wouldn't. I didn't really understand. I asked what a funeral was during the dinner portion, and they told me it's when you say goodbye, and I remember saying "bye bye grandma" and everyone started crying. I didn't get it, and for awhile part of me thought she would be back. This was the first time I lost someone, and realized that life wasn't meant to be forever. My grandpa died the year prior to my grandma, but I don't have a memory of that. Apparently a year makes a big difference. I don't have as many memories of him, but I'm told I was very close to him as well. I have more memories of remembering things he told me if that makes sense. I remember he told me his chair was mine, and I would flip when my uncle would purposely sit in it to get me going. I lost both of my dad's parents by the time I was 10, but I wasn't as close to them. 2. My parents divorce. I was 12 when my parents split up. I was forced to be OK with it even when I wasn't. I was depressed for months, but didn't let anyone know. I put on a fake smile, but I just wanted to die. I would ask God to just take me. I remember crying as I said goodbye to my dad. It was hard. I would never actually try to kill myself, but I wanted to die, and welcomed the idea of death. It didn't help that I had just started jr.high and only had one friend that went to that school with me, then my dog died a little later. I just felt like everything was against me. I had good days, but mostly I was miserable and trying to pretend like everything was fine. I still got to see my dad as often as I wanted, but it wasn't the same. I wanted them both there for me. To this day my parents don't know how I was feeling back then. Eventually things turned around for me though, I made more friends, and I somehow found myself, only my new self. I had such a hard time, but I learned how to be strong, and I learned that things eventually do get better. I learned to accept my situation for what it was. I still got to see both of my parents which was more than a lot of children had, and I learned how fortunate I really was. 3. Backstabbing friends/getting bullied. In high school I had some "friends" who were nice to me at first, but the second they brought in this older girl into the group who decided she didn't like me, they turned on me. They wanted nothing to do with me anymore and eventually they would talk about me and make me feel bad about myself. The made me feel like I was nothing. They didn't take it to an extreme level, but they made sure I knew they didn't like me, and they made sure I thought less of myself. One used to kick me in the shin and make fun of my handwriting (I have/had bad fine motor skills). The one that would kick me and made fun of my handwriting is actually my cousin. I have had a difficult time getting over the way she treated me, but eventually I did for the most part. Anyway these people felt I needed to understand just how annoying I was. I felt like I was unlikable. I eventually got excluded from everything. When I was forced to be put in a group with them in gym they intentionally never let me play. It was hard, since I never actually did anything to them. I'm sure I was annoying, but I never actually hurt them or broke them the way they did me. At that time I just wanted to be like, and I tried so hard to be liked. I eventually got the picture and stopped talking to them except when I was forced to. Then one had the nerve to pretend she knew me. They all pretended to know me when my brother who was a senior and his friends all waved and called out my name. I LOVED not acknowledging them after that. Eventually things got better. I learned that not everyone was going to like me, I became stronger and learned how to pick friends better. I met one of my best friends that year. I still wanted to be liked, but I learned something that year, that I didn't need a lot of friends, I just needed ones who liked me for who I was and not what I could do for them. I learned to accept myself for who I was, and that the right people would like me for who I am. I have only talked to my cousin since then and not the other girls. My cousin I'm stuck talking to. She isn't exactly living the life. To me it doesn't matter if someone is actually mean to you or not as long as they're friends with the people that are. When you don't say anything or don't stick up for a person you called a "friend" you are part of the problem. If it weren't for that experience though, I'd still be getting walked over. I still was a little after that, but not nearly as bad. That to this day is one of the most painful experiences of my life. I am so grateful for the handful of good friends I have now. 4. My fine motor issues. I was diagnosed as having fine motor issues when I was in about 1st grade. I went through all kinds of testing, including my eyesight. They finally figured it out, and it has been a long road, to this day my handwriting is still horrible, but it's legible which is something they told me it would never be. They said I'd use a computer the rest of my life. They failed to tell me so would everyone else, but I digress. I worked so hard to get to where I am. I was put in LD classes because my handwriting had an impact on every other aspect of my education, it slowed me down. I was slower learning how to read and learning math. They didn't have anything that specifically helped kids like me, so they put me in a slow learners class, even though I didn't have anything cognitively wrong with me. I didn't do the best in elementary school, but I later excelled in my later years of high school. I used to zone out during school, because I didn't want to be there, because everything was more difficult for me, I had to write slower so people could read my writing, and it was difficult. Eventually I figured out I actually learned quite easily when I paid attention. My life got easier. I still can't write the best, but I learned that I am not a statistic. I learned that when I put in the effort I can accomplish more than what people expect of me. I proved everyone wrong, except those few along the way that believed in me. I rarely used my 504 plan. I did better than most kids who didn't have a 504 or IEP. I later did well in the year of college I did. I was on the Dean's list. I had straight A's my senior year of HS. I learned that I am capable, and that when I don't give up on myself I can accomplish things. 5. Meeting my boyfriend. Before I got with my boyfriend I had dated some, I had feelings for another guy who I didn't end up with, but I had never been in a serious relationship. I wasn't popular in HS and I was a homebody so I never really dated until I got out of HS. Part of me didn't think men would find me attractive. I didn't felt like I could be loved. Then I met my boyfriend who made me feel like I was worth loving, he made me feel like everyone who had ever made me feel like nothing were the real nothings. He made me feel like I had never felt before, and I have been with him almost 7 years now, and he still makes me feel like that. He has hurt me along the way, but he has always done things to make me feel good again and made sure I knew that he was the one who messed up and not me. He has made me confident that he is the one I'm supposed to be with. He has made me feel like I am the one he is supposed to be with. So few people find that kind of love and I have. He has made me feel like I'm worth loving. 6. My son. My son's birth was a very difficult one. I was in all kinds of pain, the epidural didn't work right, I had to go through 3 packs of stitches, I was in all kinds of pain, but the second they put him in my arms nothing else mattered. I was told he had a cleft lip before I even got to see him, and I worried for about a second. When they put him in my arms I knew what unconditional love was. My son came at a time in my life when I wasn't ready to have a child, but I got ready. When I heard his heartbeat I knew he was real, and I knew I would protect him at all costs, but when I held him I really felt the love I had been bottling up until his arrival. I knew that from that day forward he was the reason for my existence, he is my heart. He is the one person in this world that I will never stop loving. He is my everything. It didn't matter that I wasn't ready for him, I knew the second I held him that he was not a mistake or an accident he was a miracle. I didn't think I could have children, and I had him. God knew exactly what I needed, and I needed him. 7. My son's cleft. My son is and always will be beautiful, but I had very little knowledge about clefts. I didn't realize what we were all in for. My son had this wide smile that I often miss, but I love his new smile just as much. I spent so much time worrying about his surgery and his after care, and then his surgery came and went. I dealt with weird stares before, but it made me stronger. I knew that people have issues with things they don't understand. I have never taken it to heart. No one was ever flat out rude, my son's cleft was also minor in comparison to most children's. My son's cleft taught me a new kind of strength. It taught me how strong my son is. He was just 5 months old when they repaired it. He wore splints and could barely smile, but it never changed who he was. He was still happy and he was still him. He never let his cleft lip define him, and I make sure he knows he has always been beautiful. His cleft made me realize how fortunate that we are to have an ultimately healthy child. I know things could have been worse for him and for us. My son only needed one surgery with a possible second one when he's done growing. His scar reminds me of how blessed we are. It's part of him and it's part of us. Everything we went through, and continue to go through. We get questions still, but not like we did. My son's scar is fading, and most people don't realize he even had a cleft lip. He is who he is because of his lip. His scar gives him character. I have learned a whole new kind of strength through this. Those are my defining moments. Sorry for the book. What is your defining moment? Maybe you can write about yours. I'd love to hear them. We are who we are mostly based on these moments in our lives.
1 person likes this
1 response
• United States
1 Nov 15
Please dont apologize for the long post. It was a great read and you have overcome so much in life and I am in awe of your tenacity and courage. It is great that you can write so much. I wish I had this skill to do so.
@sissy15 (5634)
• United States
2 Nov 15
Thank you, but a lot of people don't like reading longer posts. A lot of my posts tend to be on the longer side, some are definitely way longer than others. The only reason I can write the way I do is because this is how I express myself. I have never done well with expressing myself through talking. My poor boyfriend gets emailed when I want to get my thoughts across to him lol. I find when I talk I'm more prone to stuttering and forgetting what I want to say. I could never be a writer for a living due to grammar and etc, but as a whole it's something I like to do, because it's one of the few ways I know how to express myself. We all have our own gifts and skills.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Nov 15
@sissy15 We do and I like the way you can write it out.
@sissy15 (5634)
• United States
5 Nov 15
@TiarasOceanView Thank you, I can definitely write my thoughts out, most of them anyway.
1 person likes this