Looking Back

Tweet

It has taken me most of my life to stop dwelling on the past and rehashing every wrong, every mistake, every embarrassment that came to mold who I was. I now live for today and am enjoying my life so much more than I ever did before. But, there are times when it's difficult to avoid looking back. The holidays are one such period. Certain fragrances or songs or people will take me back to a time earlier on and, rather than dwelling, I begin to reminisce. Sometimes I wish things could be the same as this period or that period, but it is more of a fleeting thought than a rut that I fall into. Other times, a particularly negative event will bring me back to past abuses. Flashes of those times will appear and, at times, even the anxiety and fears will resurface. Someone will behave in a manner very much like the abuser and it will be hard to separate past from present in my responses. But, even when that happens, I get past it, maybe with some minor bruising, and know that it is just that - the past. I know that looking back can be good and have learned to look back at the good and not the bad. I have become far more content in who I am by realizing what the good did for me rather than dwell only on the bad. I only wish I had learned this sooner. (This post was previously published on Persona Paper, but has since been deleted and the account deactivated.)