Learning to open up

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Lately a lot has been going on in my life, and I've been trying to keep it all together. I don't do serious well. I mean my demeanor is usually serious, but I naturally avoid things that I don't want to deal with. I know that avoiding it doesn't make it just go away. I know one way or another I'm going to have to face it, but I just find away to put off dealing with it until I absolutely have to. I know that if you suck it up and get it over with it relieves all of the stress that you put yourself through leading up to that moment, but I can't seem to help it. I don't do well with comforting people either, I usually crack jokes or something, because I can't seem to handle the whole talking thing that some people seem to do better than others. I write, because I have a difficult time expressing my emotions in person. This is how I talk about things. Part of it is because I have anxiety, and I don't really know what the other part of it is. When things get tough I don't exactly check out, but I am emotionally distant in a lot of ways. It's something I've been working on. I care, I don't always show it but I care, I care enough that the idea of having to face the thought of some things are too hard for me. My mom has been going through some things, and while I'm here, I don't really want to talk about it, but I try and make her laugh, and I think I'm able to make her forget about it. In a way I think it helps her, because she has to talk about it with everyone all day long, and she gets freaked out, and I'm able to make her forget for a few minutes, and for those few minutes she doesn't have to worry. She can laugh. I'm here, and I do the best I can to be here for her, but it is difficult. I mean no one wants to spend their life always worrying. I don't talk about things, not because it makes them go away, but because if I talk about it that makes me sadder, and I really don't want to fall apart in front of people. I know everyone falls apart eventually, but I prefer my moments in private. I'm a very reserved person, and people have a difficult time reading me. I don't really express myself the best, I've gotten a little better over the years, but there are few people that get to see me for who I really am. My boyfriend is probably the only person who has seen me cry at least in a very long time. He's a lot better at being here for me than I am sometimes at being there for him, because I am horrible at comforting people. I say the obligatory "Everything will be fine" or "We'll get through this", even when I'm not entirely sure of either of those things, why do we do that? Sometimes things won't be fine, and sometimes we won't make it through things, but no one has the heart to say anything different. Sometimes I don't say anything at all, and I just sit there and hug him. I mean what else can you do? I've gotten better at it. The only person I have no trouble comforting is my son, because he's little and I know he needs me, and I know that I can be me with him, because he doesn't care how I act or what I do, he just sees me, the way only children really seem to be able to do. I think often times my problem isn't that I don't care, it's that I care too much, if I were to really open up, I'd fall apart, and I know people need me to be present, even if it is just physically. Maybe one day I'll figure out how to be better at things like this, but I am trying. I know I have a lot of work to do, but the point is I know I have this issue, I've acknowledged it and I'm trying to fix it. I'll get there one day, but for right now I'm just keeping it together the best I can. Part of me also knows that somehow one way or another things are going to be OK. I don't know if it's faith, but it's just something I can feel, and I feel like it's going to be OK, and it's not even just words, it's just a feeling I have. I don't do well with saying things like this to family, because I feel stupid saying things like that to them, because much like me my family in general is reserved, I sometimes think that's why I am the way I am. I think part of it is learned behavior.