My Life Nightmare And Determination
By minisam
@miniam (9154)
Bern, Switzerland
April 6, 2016 10:08am CST
I was a go lucky,very happy person.Out of nowhere l started having depression.I did not know what it was,depression to me was old wives sickness.
After about a year suffering these serious sleep problems started, soon after, panic attacks.
Doc gave me antidepressants but did not explain, he was *take these after 3 weeks you should feel better*
So that`s what l did,as soon as I felt better,l thought I was healed.That was the beginning of my hard journey.
As time went by,the panic attack increased there were times l passed out, this terror that death could have been welcome so as to free me.
I started using antidepressant,sleeping pills,and pills for the attacks.
Soon l was hooked,l started with 1,at my highest i was taking 20 a day l took sleeping pills not at night but also in the day,to feel sane.
started flying to east Europe to buy sleeping pills as they do not ask questions there.
My marriage broke up, I did not have money to go to eastern Europe.Locked myself in the house for months,no shower,no human contact ate takeaways till cartons and empty cola filled my table and floor then moved to the bedroom and did the same.
1 day l took $50(converted) and went to our red light district to buy calming pills, While there, l thought how deep l had sunk.l did not buy anything,came back home and cried.
The next day I saw my shrink who sent me to a psychiatric hospital.Those were the most painful 5 months of my life.
Im pills free now,depression gone,Sleeping disorder stayed but not as bad,before I could go 3 straight days without sleep,now maybe 1 day on the rare occasion but im always very careful and listen to my body and the signs.
Now im medically disabled 60%, docs could not find what is/was wrong.So, l have accepted my situation and live with it best l can. I just dont have social life, noises or loud talking used to trigger my panic attacks so i prefer to avoid crowds.
The only time l touch sleeping pills is when l fly l cant be in a crowd for hours so l have to knock myself out to be able to fly.
There you have it, that is me.Sorry this is long but l wanted you to meet me.
12 people like this
12 responses
@41CombedaleRoad (5952)
• Greece
6 Apr 16
What a long period of trauma you have suffered but you can write about it clearly and are in the process of moving on so you are doing well. I hope that writing here will be another step in the right direction which will gradually improve your social life.
2 people like this
@miniam (9154)
• Bern, Switzerland
6 Apr 16
Thanks so much,for a long time, I could not talk about it,just the mention of that period of my life traumatized me,it`s still something l don't talk to people face to face about.
l have tried but then l break down so l gave up.
Im moving on well this l have to admit because I was in a deep dark place.Today im able to work 40% which is a real achievement,im even thinking of immigrating next year.
1 person likes this
@miniam (9154)
• Bern, Switzerland
10 May 16
@Sweetsona +
Thanks so much,l also believe good days are finally here
1 person likes this
@Sweetsona (300)
• India
10 May 16
@miniam it never will.. Because you were brave enough to come out of it.. You are a fighter and a survivor.. Beautiful days are finally here..
1 person likes this
@AbbyGreenhill (45496)
• United States
6 Apr 16
I would have never guessed...you seem so calm and collected - which is good! Sounds like you have a good handle on things now.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Apr 16
It's very frustrating, those panic attacks. the only things I have found that help (for me) is controlled breathing and having lots of plans. Plans of places to escape that are quiet, having outs, etc.
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Apr 16
@miniam Exactly! People who don't have these don't understand the importance of having places to bolt and hide in, like I need to know where the bathroom is, as I can often hide out in there. Have you tried controlled breathing?
@miniam (9154)
• Bern, Switzerland
12 Apr 16
The best thing anyone having panic attack can do is find a quiet place.I used to mentally check for *escape routes*incase an attack struck when I was out.
It got so bad, the frequency up to several times a day that I totally stopped going out.l did not want having to run home(always did because home is where I felt safe)
Sometimes I'm not sure how l survived, it was this time which there are no proper words to describe.Do what you have to do,concentrate in surviving every hour till you feel stronger again
1 person likes this
@miniam (9154)
• Bern, Switzerland
13 Apr 16
@Jessicalynnt
I tried controlled breathing but the relief is too slow, some will suggest you take a scent,when the deep slow breathing fails,you should breathe in (smell) the scent you are familiar with and like.
1 person likes this
@cacay1 (83237)
• Cagayan De Oro, Philippines
8 Apr 16
You need to be strong. You also need people for from them you can gain strength.Also take plenty of water to purify your body. I am so happy for you now, you were able to fight all the odds of your life,We have to fight life for life is beautiful.
@kaka135 (14916)
• Malaysia
7 Apr 16
I am sorry that happened to you. It must be really hard for you. I wouldn't guess that you have gone through so much and so depressed as well, as you seem positive and optimistic, which is really good! Good that you have the determination! 
I hope you are feeling very much better and though we do not personally meet each other, I suppose many mylotters are here to support you virtually. We are always here! 
I hope you are feeling very much better and though we do not personally meet each other, I suppose many mylotters are here to support you virtually. We are always here! 
@SIMPLYD (90722)
• Philippines
8 Apr 16
So when you feel depressed just be here and write whatever you are feeling so we can comfort you, my friend .
@flapiz (22425)
• United Kingdom
6 Apr 16
Hi friend, everyone is fighting a battle and sometimes some people are given a harder battle to fight through. You are very brave and strong despite your situation. I am very pleased to meet you.
@miniam (9154)
• Bern, Switzerland
6 Apr 16
Thanks, Anna im ok,l just take it easy,accept each day as it come and work in a protected environment 40%, takes out a lot of pressure.
Because nomatter what comes up,nomatter what happens,it can not be more worse than those periods before my shrink made the decision l hated but today im glad she did
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (326601)
• Rockingham, Australia
7 Apr 16
I would never have guessed your difficulties from your discussions. You have done really well to claw your way back to some sort of life. I wish you all the best.
