Alien – In Space No One Can Hear You Mime

Tweet

Hello everyone, this is just a quick video postcard from Space to wish you were here and all that gubbins. Actually, you might not want to be here on this trip. I can’t say it’s been as much fun as usual. This is my usual video-cast postcard message home from the stars. After five years taking our annual cruise on the USS Enterprise, Gladys & I thought we’d have a holiday on the Nostromo this year for a change, but frankly, I want a refund. It was all damp and dark and gloomy. There are no holodecks or food replicators anywhere. The cabin is just a glass bed, and there is oil and water leaking everywhere. The crew don’t bother much with uniforms, and seem to spend half the time running around frantically in vests and underwear. We did make port briefly but the crew didn’t invite us to go ashore with them. How inconsiderate. The food last night was horrible, even when we got to sit at the Captain’s Table. I’m glad I saw one of the crew go down with food poisoning before I tucked into my own calamari, and then to cap it all, a great big mouse scuttled right past me. Maybe the cat they had on board should have sorted that out and If I’d known pets were allowed I wouldn’t have put poor Mr Tiddles in the cattery for the duration. I think there was a radiation leak or something too. The crew were certainly in a bit of a tizzy over something so getting room service was nearly impossible. I took a few Geiger counter readings myself and posted the results to the company’s H R department. You can see a copy of the file under the attachment marked H R Giger. I wanted to report the holes appearing in the metal ceiling of our cabin, but the crew never saw me as they seemed to be getting excited over a video game. They were watching blips on a screen chasing each other round until one blip went out. Game Over, I said but they were too busy grabbing guns to go off playing some sort of paintball. Surely it’s the guests who should do such activities, not the staff. Someone kept frantically asking if I’d seen an ‘Alan’ about but I never saw anyone called Alan on board. Maybe he’s a stowaway. I keep trying to get hold of someone on board to address my concerns but there were fewer of them on duty all the time. Even head man, Ash says he hasn’t got any body to spare at the moment. I was impressed by the life-boat drill though. It even involves launching one of the lifeboats. I can hear a countdown going on, probably counting down to the boat re-docking so Gladys and I can have our go. Only about thirty seconds to go, so we’ll tell you all about that after we get back. I think I’ve got a bit of a stomach ache now too. All that rich food I expect …. Ow ouch, ow! Ouch, Hell – Oh, I’ve just realized what that countdown is. I’ve just got three seconds left to tell you it’s …. Arthur Chappell