I had a revelation today
April 9, 2016 2:50am CST
I've been feeling small and useless since Earl passed away, and today I figured out why. All my adult life I've been somebody's wife and /or mother. Being responsible for taking care of only myself, not being anybody's anything is a new concept for me. My mother-in-law and I discussed this at length this afternoon and she assured me that it was normal, and that it took her some time to be comfortable with this when my father-in-law passed a few years ago. So now I learn to be "just Penny" I guess. I told a friend yesterday I will never love again. The pain of a loss like this preys on my mind and I find myself bawling uncontrollably more than once a day. Do any of you know of a good support group for the newly widowed online? I really think I need to talk with people who are or have gone through this experience so I don't feel like such a freak.
• Seagoville, Texas
10 Apr 16
I know this in my mind, but my heart is so heavy with sorrow it's hard to grasp the concept. It's so silent at night I can't sleep right, and I force myself to eat most of the time. Girls are raised to nurture and serve. I have no one that needs me now, and it makes me feel quite useless. While I was doing my grocery shopping today, a friend I hadn't seen in years sent me a FB message. She had tracked me down and wanted to reconnect. For the first time since Earl passed away I felt like a part of something. She and her little girl came by and took me to lunch. I still don't want a new love in my life. I mean I have had breakups in the past, and although they were quite painful at the time, I was able to pick up the pieces and move forward pretty quickly. This loss, this terrible loneliness and sadness seem to permeate my life and drain my will to go on. I'm disappointed that I woke up each morning. Then I look at the clock and see that I only slept 3 or 4 hours again. I hesitate to take a sleep aid as I don't want to develop a dependency. I'm unsure what direction I want to go. My inlaws call me every day to make sure I'm OK. I'm happy they are reaching out to me, but it saddens me that they were mostly distant towards me when Earl was alive. I suppose God has his reasons for having them strive to make me feel like part of the family now rather than then. My only true comfort is that I know he loved me more than anything else in life. I felt the same way for him. Still do.