Hard to please!

Kolkata, India
September 8, 2016 1:17pm CST
No matter how much I try to live up to expectations, I always fall short. Sometimes I recognize it right away, in other times I become aware of it only much later. For example, I doubt I will live up to my mom's expectations ever. When I only studied hard in school, she used to shake her head saying I don't act or dress or talk maturely like a woman should. When I scored more than a satisfactory result in the finals, she only said it was lower than I should have scored (though how I can score more than 90% with my dimwit intellect in a Indian state run board, I haven't got a clue). Now when I'm going out and enjoying life all the while handling life as a woman, she says I'm giving up my studies for settling early in life. The time I dated a guy casually, she said I wasn't serious and that I was having a fling. Now when I'm serious with my boyfriend for the past 3 years, she thinks I'm into it too much and subtly hints all the time to back away. As if I'm giving up on my personal life because of a commitment. Seems I can't please her at all. She's more irritable these days and thinks I should be her perfect copycat, which, I can't make her understand, is not possible. What to do? Do you feel like this sometimes? Maybe all the time? How do you improve this condition?
13 people like this
16 responses
@jaboUK (48867)
• United Kingdom
8 Sep
This makes me very sad - your mother should be the one person who is on your side, no matter what, the one who always has your back. That's how I am with my own daughter. Do you still live at home? If you do, it's time to move out.
3 people like this
• Kolkata, India
8 Sep
I've not started earning yet, and I have to move out sooner or later when I start working as a trainee doctor or while pursuing MD. So there's that. Until then, I'm stuck I'm afraid. Though I think mom will stop being difficult once I can lead life on my own. It's great that you've got your daughter's back she sure is lucky. I also think my mom supports me in her own way, but what I only want is for her to show that sometimes.
2 people like this
@jaboUK (48867)
• United Kingdom
8 Sep
@ria1606roy Your mother may not realise how unsupportive and judgemental she is being. If you showed her this post it may shock her into realising that.
2 people like this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
@jaboUK I told her I felt this way many times. But she wouldn't understand. So I've recently stopped telling her anymore. I think I'll see this through, after all there's only half a year left before I have the time to only think about work and nothing else.
2 people like this
@JudyEv (88085)
• Bunbury, Australia
9 Sep
This is pretty sad. Maybe she doesn't realise how unfair she is being. I think you need to move out as soon as you are able.
2 people like this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
I've been thinking along those lines too. I'll try to get a hostel bed next year for the time being. I can't make her see that she's being unfair all the time, so I guess I have to make changes from the other side.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (88085)
• Bunbury, Australia
10 Sep
@ria1606roy If you are not careful, her constant criticism could make you less self-confident and that wouldn't be a good thing either.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
10 Sep
@JudyEv Yeah it does make me feel less confident at times, but I try not to dwell on those emotions. I am holding on to the hope that one day she'll stop criticizing so much.
1 person likes this
@Corbin5 (65102)
• United States
8 Sep
You stop trying to live up to your mother's standards because no matter how well you perform, she will continue to tell you that you did not measure up. Your mother is outer environment and will never change, so go for your own goals, set your standards for yourself, and just smile and nod your head when your mother criticizes.
2 people like this
• Kolkata, India
8 Sep
Great advice Deborah I will try that and focus more on myself than seeking mom's approval. You're right, there's one change I can make and that is of myself.
1 person likes this
• Calgary, Alberta
9 Sep
My parents are like that. They were expecting a lot of me and they will scold me for getting a grade of B+, It always have to be an A+. I already cut ties with my parents and I havent talked to them since 2012.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
You haven't talked to them for 4 years? You should call them. They still worry about you, and when you were at school they worried about your future, that's why they scolded you. It's natural that there may be some resentment but still, severing ties isn't the way. I'm frustrated with my mom, sure, but I know she's there for me, she just doesn't show it and that's what I'm sad about.
• Calgary, Alberta
9 Sep
@ria1606roy I am sure they were happier without me in their life. They will have less stress. I am done with verbal abuse and I am happier alone.
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
@CaptAlbertWhisker Do they still verbally abuse you? Look, I'm not asking you to see them everyday or live with them. Just a phone call to know how they are doing, that's it. I'm sure they are waiting for that call too. They just won't show it.
@simone10 (22294)
• Louisville, Kentucky
9 Sep
I am so sorry that your Mom isn't more supportive of you. It does seem like she is never happy. Maybe you could sit down and talk to her honestly about how you feel.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
I tried to several times, but it's hard to make her understand, she thinks I'm making excuses. But it's alright, I'll just see how everything turns out. Hopefully when I'm not dependent anymore financially and can lead my own life, she'll be supportive at last. Maybe this is her way to ensure that I am on the right track in life. She's happy I think, but doesn't show it, and that is what I sometimes want to see in her.
1 person likes this
@simone10 (22294)
• Louisville, Kentucky
10 Sep
@ria1606roy You are probably right, she will be more supportive after you move out and have a life of your own.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
10 Sep
@simone10 that's what I hope
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (103259)
• Switzerland
9 Sep
I am so sorry. Mothers are supposed to be the first to congratulate with her sons and daughters and to support them. May be she thinks that this is the right way to encourage you to do even better. I think that more support from her would surely be more appreciated.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
Maybe she thinks that, and if that's true I'm really appreciative of her as she's supporting me. But if she showed that sometimes, I would love it Thanks @LadyDuck for replying. I would try to do better in life and let my actions speak instead of making her understand with words.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (103259)
• Switzerland
9 Sep
@ria1606roy Sometimes it's hard to understand our mothers, but I am sure that they do what they judge it's the best for us.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
@LadyDuck I think that too It's best to stay positive for all of us.
1 person likes this
@Happy2BeMe (57518)
• Canada
8 Sep
You mom is never going to change. She may think that by being negative she is pushing you to do better but it is not doing that at all. She wants what is best for you but she is going about it all the wrong way. She should be encouraging you and supporting you. You just need to make you happy and live your life for you and you mom will have to accept that.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
8 Sep
Okay, this explains a lot! Yeah, you're right maybe. I hope she encourages me later in life when I really need it, and not make me doubt myself instead. I need to accept myself, yes. Thanks a lot L_B.
1 person likes this
@Happy2BeMe (57518)
• Canada
8 Sep
@ria1606roy you are welcome. I hope it all works out and she comes around.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
Thanks @Happy2BeMe I hope so too.
1 person likes this
@antonbunot (8214)
• Calgary, Alberta
12 Sep
O, all mothers are like your mom! When I had my first girlfriend, my late mother was not happy because she thought it would affect my studies. Not like my late father who told me to also woo my girlfriend's pretty friend/classmate. According to my late father I should learn how to hit 2 or 3 birds with one stone!
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
12 Sep
Wow, wasn't your dad feisty? Well, I guess almost all moms are the same all over the world. I've known many who are really supportive of their children too.
@marsha32 (6784)
• United States
9 Sep
You know, my mother has been living with us now since the middle of March and it's really hard. If you don't do things the way she does she criticizes you. The list is way too long to go into all the things I don't do the right way.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
That's hard.....no one would like to be criticized about everything. You should try to tell her that you have been maintaining it by yourself before and you can do even better with her support, not her criticism.
@Gillygirl (14730)
• Sutton, England
9 Sep
You should live your own life. Maybe your mum doesn't realise the effect she is having on you
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
Maybe she doesn't. And you're right, I should start living as much independently as I can.
1 person likes this
@marlina (55268)
• Canada
9 Sep
You have to tell your Mom, once for all, that you have to live your life YOUR WAY. Not her way.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
Yeah I've told her that, but she doesn't care about what I say, and I really value her appreciation. But yeah, I have to lead my life in my way and she'll understand sometime, that's all I hope I'm just waiting to start working.
• Australia
9 Sep
That sucks! Your mother is very difficult to spell. You hardly can read and understand what's going on inside her head, unless she feels free to express them, which, I doubt she could. How's she coping with her relationships with other members of your family? I hope you both get together sometime and talk. Hard to do, isn't it? Do well with your medical studies. I'm sure she is mighty proud of you!
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
Yeah I think she is proud. Would have felt that way if she expressed some of that too. Her other relationships seems okay, great even. Me and mom always had a sorts of on-again-off-again relation when sometimes she's fine and loving, but most of the time very critical of everything I do. Maybe she expects too much of me, and in reality I'm just me at the end of the day. Thanks for your wish @everwonderwhy I'll try my best.
@jstory07 (57116)
• Roseburg, Oregon
9 Sep
Maybe you need to tell your Mom that it is your life and you think you are doing good in it. Are you over 18.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
I do tell her, and try to not care. But sometimes her disapproval hurts. All I want is for her to be supportive of my life. Maybe she is, but definitely doesn't show it. Yeah, I'm 22+.
@Macarrosel (7410)
• Philippines
9 Sep
Oh, I'm so lucky that my mom never did that to me. Now, that I'm a mother, I'm always on my daughters side. Giving them inspiration and supporting thing them all the way.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
You're a good mom Happy for your daughter! Inspiration and support is how we convey that we love them.
@Lucky15 (31612)
• Philippines
9 Sep
Yes...always and i always have those self.pitying moments
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
Really.....we all have these moments that we try so hard to control and then fail.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
8 Sep
Mothers are like that only Ria,over-protective & possessive,and always worrying about us.All you need is just to make auntie understand that you are capable of doing things on your own & most important whatever you do,you will do that right.i think that is exactly what your mom wants from you,just an assurance.Having said that all,i must say that you can only be able to understand your mom's point of view holistically when you will become a "Mom" yourself.
1 person likes this
• Kolkata, India
9 Sep
very true, I can only understand her thought process when the roles get reversed. But whatever good I do, I can't seem to assure her. I've been raised by her to always think independently and for myself in this world first before anything else, and that is what I plan to abide by, but somehow as I have grown up, she thinks I'll do the exact opposite, like marrying too soon and not working after that. I cannot make her understand and out of this fear she always discourages me of everything I do nowadays. Maybe actions will speak to her, not my words. So I'm waiting for my career to hit off properly, and then maybe she'll be assured .