A lot on my mind tonight I guess

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Most people who know me in person don't really know the real me, maybe because I am uncomfortable being myself most of the time. I have to really know someone before I let myself really show. As a general rule I'm sarcastic and I can be goofy, I joke a lot, and those that don't know me don't understand me, and even if I do crack a joke, they don't realize I'm joking. I remember joking online, and everyone thought I was serious except my sisters who also joked with me, but even one of those sisters don't fully understand my sense of humor, just more so than my boyfriend's mom who was thinking I was being completely serious. On my good days I'm actually optimistic, and funny. On my bad days I'm a realist and I prefer to lock myself in my room and not talk. I'm not a people person, and too much time around people makes me kind of want to close myself off and recharge. Social functions take a lot out of me. I usually try to find places where I can hide out that people will leave me alone. A lot has been on my mind today, partially from all of the depressing news stories. When they're not depressing they're things I don't care about, like who Taylor Swift's new boyfriend is, somehow I fail to see how that's news since she has a new one what seems like every month, and I can no longer keep track of who they are, nor do I care to. I like seeing happy news stories, because they give me a break from the bad ones. I like being able to laugh, which isn't something a lot of people actually know about me. I love having things to laugh about, and I used to be a really happy person until life threw me a bunch of curve balls, I've always dealt with anxiety and depression to some small degree, but I've found it's only gotten worse over the years for various reasons. I'm grateful for my son right now, because he keeps me happy and laughing. As crazy as he can drive me, he is also my calm place, and he just keeps me going. I think sometimes we need our kids just as much as they need us. I get down sometimes, but I've always brought myself back, and I have always kept fighting. I come from a long line of strong women, who have taught me that you can't ever give up, and I have't. I think today has just been one of those days where my head is going in a thousand different directions, and I'm just trying to keep up, and as I sat here I realized I haven't been myself in awhile, and the reason most people don't know me is because I really don't let many people in. I'm not an emotional person, and letting people in is especially difficult for me, even some of my friends don't fully know me. I've just been kind of to myself lately. I hang out with the occasional friend if they message me, but that's rare. I am not really what I'd call depressed most of the time, I'm just tired, and trying to figure some things out. Trying to figure out what's next in my life, apart from being a mom, that's the one thing I'm always sure about. My son is the one bright spot in my life, and I wouldn't change him for the world. I think sometimes we just need to stop and evaluate our lives, and figure out what's next or where we'd like to be, and as I near 30, I've found myself trying to figure that out.