Tales of a New Wife #1: Biscuits make Hockey Pucks

United States
April 17, 2017 4:21pm CST
I have never played hockey. To be honest, trying to stand on ice is the equivalent of trying to stand on my nose. For me, BOTH are equally impossible. So when I made hockey pucks, one day for dinner my husband lovingly suggested I take up the sport.... We had just gotten married and I had NO idea how to cook. But considering I wasn't an idiot I thought, "how hard could it be." I read the instructions, heat the oven, bake for 12 minutes, and TA DA I would have fresh biscuits. Well I thought 12 minutes for the biscuits wasn't bad but.... I had never baked anything. NEVER... My mom was the Queen of Drive-Thru and I refused to be that, dang it I wanted to cook. But over the years I had become a master at microwaving things. So I used my limited logic to figure out how to use the microwave to accomplish my mission. My logic was as follows: Microwave is smaller than the oven>Therfore less powerful Less power means longer cook time microwave is 1/3 the size of the oven (see where this is going??) Cook time for biscuits in the microwave is 36minutes. Man, 36 minutes.... I had time to go outside and weed the flower bed while the biscuits cooked. So that's what I did. I put the biscuits on a plate, started the microwave and went outside..... Next thing I know the fire alarm is blaring throughout my house, and even my elderly neighbor lady heard it. She called 911 and I ran into the house to get my fur babies. Smoke was everywhere, I just knew we were losing our home.. What a way to start our life together. :,( The fire department arrives, I'm crying, they ask what may have happened before they run in. (I expected water hoses shooting, them being heroic and saving my little home). Crying I explained I was cooking biscuits in the microwave and the house just went up in flames. I didn't understand why they weren't freaking out; I was. One lone (heroic and brave) firefighter went in to the house. It seemed like forever, I was scared he'd died inside. Meanwhile, I'm also yelling at the other firefighters for not helping save my house. I'm a blubbering mess. When out of nowhere here comes the lone brave firefighter with something in his hands.... I had my dog, what had he found, was it a bomb, what in the world was he holding? He takes off his mask and is smiling from ear to ear... (This is NOT a smiling occasion.) He comes over to me and says, "your biscuits are done" and all the firefighters start laughing.... What he had in his hand was not a biscuit, it was small, black, round, unidentifiable, hard as a rock, and resembled nothing of the buttery biscuits I had put into the microwave. My husband shows up just as the house is clearing of smoke, I am sitting on the stoop still crying, and the firefighter tells my husband what I had done... I had achieved revolutionized the hockey puck making industry. I had discovered a new, cheaper, and more environmentally friendly way of making hockey pucks. :/ Our house smelled of smoke for weeks. It took 3 years for me to work up the courage to try and make biscuits again. Thankfully, my husband didn't marry me for my cooking ability. Now I pose the question to all of you... What cooking disaster have you had? Please help me feel like I'm not the only person that had NO clue of how the kitchen actually works.
5 people like this
6 responses
@paigea (22620)
• Canada
19 Apr 17
Fun reading and so glad you can laugh now! I have a fairly similar story but mine is without the excuse of being new to cooking!
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Apr 17
Oh I still burn biscuits. Lol. Bread in the oven is my kryptonite in the kitchen. What happened to you? I am curious now. Lol
@paigea (22620)
• Canada
20 Apr 17
@Skittie I had to make stew to take to work in the morning and I had to coach the school soccer team after supper. I rushed home got all the ingredients cut up and in the pot. Turned it on high to get it started while I got ready. I intended to turn it very low before I left the house so it would simmer and be done in time for bed. See where this is going? I rushed out to the soccer game (we lost). And then met friends for a drink! The fire department tracked me down at the bar! (Joys of a Small town) Anyway, the stew was reduced to charcoal, the pot was welded to the burner. The house was filled with smoke top to bottom. The kitchen walls were black. I arrived home to find the fire department had opened up the house and set up huge fans. My neighbour had heard the smoke detector and then seen the smoke. He broke in and got the dog out and I don't know who had grabbed the pot (with burner attached) and thrown it outside. I didn't have stew to take to school in the morning.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Apr 17
@paigea I just found my soul cooking sister. Lol. I'm so sorry but that makes me feel better. Just knowing I'm not the only person that exceeds expectations on unintentional Cajun cooking. Just out of curiosity..... Did you have to get a new stove? (Isn't the burner the part where the flame comes out?)
@MALUSE (44667)
• Uzbekistan
17 Apr 17
Sorry, no disasters in this household. I've cooked following recipes until I knew them by heart. If one has understood the principle, one doesn't have to follow recipes slavishly but can use one's own imagination.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Apr 17
We have been married for almost 10years now and thank goodness my skills have drastically improved. The first 5years of our marriage was clustered of disasters that I created. You are right though. Once I get the general jist of a recipe I start to add my own touches. Sometimes it's a homerun and other times we order pizza. Lol. What was the dish that you cooked that caused you to fall in love with cooking?
@MALUSE (44667)
• Uzbekistan
18 Apr 17
@Skittie I've never fallen in love with cooking. I have no ambitions in the kitchen. I can cook some decent meals which taste good. That's enough for me.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Apr 17
@MALUSE what are some of the things you cook? I'm sure Denmark has some dishes that I have never heard of. But I'm always up to trying something new.
• Defuniak Springs, Florida
20 Apr 17
When I was about five I put a poptart in the foil wrapper in the microwave for thirty minutes and melted the microwave.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Apr 17
Oh wow!!!!! That's insane. I bet your parents lost their minds. Idk if I'd laugh, cry, or lose it if my boys did that. Lol. Hope you are having less trau,attic events in the kitchen now. ;-)
@JudyEv (137038)
• Bunbury, Australia
18 Apr 17
Oh wow! That is a mega error! I guess perhaps it could have been worse but it would have been bad enough at the time.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Apr 17
To this very day I still get harassed over biscuits. Sadly biscuits seem to be the one food I burn almost every single time I cook them. I tend to forget about them and then our house gets smoky again. Lol.
• Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
18 Apr 17
Super good post. You have an entertaining writing style. Okay, yes, unfortunately this is a weekly occurence. At least once a week I get distracted (writing project, phone calls, etc.) and let something overcook or burn on the bottom. My family is used to it A friend a mine had an experience similar to yours, minus the fire department. She had a potatoe in her microwave that went up in smoke, literally. The smoke alarms were screaming and she had to open all the windows to get rid of the smell.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Apr 17
Oh gosh a potatoe?! Sounds like she and I could be friends. Lol. I haven't ever really considered it but now that I think about it.... I have burned (at least once) every food I have tried to cook..... eggs, fries, chicken, beef,etc.... Maybe that's why my mom always went through drive-thrus... lol
• United States
30 Oct
Oh I am so sorry this had to be one of the stories you'll be telling grand kids some day @Skittie how are ya btw ?