Hoof and Mouth Disease

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I've been beating myself up all day. This morning I had a ladies brunch with the women from my church. It's a monthly thing, but today was the last time we're meeting before fall. Anyway, as we were talking about various things, they asked about my book and I told them it was finished and the best part, for me at least, came from my friend who is proofing it for me. I told them I have no feelings or emotions when it comes to people dying, not people in general, but members of my family. I didn't get along with my parents. I didn't get along with my brother, and I was divorced from my late X. I don't know what it's like to feel emotion for someone who died. My dog, yes, though I said nothing about my dog I put down a year ago and had a hard time driving home from the vet because I could barely see the road in front of me for the rain falling from my eyes. However, I did tell them that I have no feelings at all for my parents, my brother, and my late X. I even punctuated that last with a hallelujah. I probably shouldn't have done that. So I told them what my friend told me last night. The prologue for Freedom's Cry starts with the death of a key character in the series. I worked hard on that trying to find emotion in writing it, but I couldn't. However, my friend cried and I was very happy that it came through. So now I feel like a very cold person who has no feelings whatsoever about death, and I feel like I put a very bad impression about myself to the ladies from my church. There weren't many other's there, just three, but one of those three was the pastor's wife. I've been suffering a very bad case of hoof and mouth disease all day. I don't know how I can mend the current opinion I feel they have about me. And I'm afraid to find out. I almost don't want to face them anymore. Now that I've admitted it to you as well, I don't know what you feel about me either. Have I suddenly grown two heads? I can get emotional, and I've been known to cry buckets. I did when Pip was put down last year. Do I only get emotional over animals? I hope not. I hope I can get emotional over people too. I am certainly happy for them when things go well for them. I pay my condolences. I say all the right words, but how does a person get emotional when there are no feelings in the matter? I know tomorrow is Mother's Day. Do I miss my mother? No, I don't. Father's Day is next month. I don't miss him either. However, right now I wish the earth would open up and swallow me whole for sounding so cold about those I'm supposed to love and care about, but have no feelings for. If I were you, I would unfriend someone as cold and heartless as me. You're all the best friends I have, besides the one proofing my manuscript. When I read about your problems, I do get emotional. I feel your pain, and I don't know you. I do cry for you and I do rejoice with you. I don't know why I can't do it for those closest to me. Well that's all I have to say. I hope you had a good day today. Mine was okay, other than the mental beating I gave myself. Thanks for reading.