All I Wanted Was A...Coke (I hate Pepsi)
May 16, 2017 4:01am CST
That title is a reference to an old Suicidal Tendencies song called, "Institutionalized". I had to adapt it for my personal tastes, because I really do hate Pepsi. I'm fact, I am trying to cut Coke out of my diet for my health, and per my father's request, so I have only had one out of the 1/2 dozen I typical!y consume during the day. But, I digress... One of my biggest fears is that my children will one day realize how crazy I am. I hoped that they would never discover the inner workings of my mind, because the dark places even frighten me. There are places in my mind I try to avoid, but sometimes they find me... What I didn't realize at first was that, because of our shared genetic material, my dark places would eventually become theirs, and they too would experience the pain and misery that consumes me, and that it might envelop them as well. Some say it may be selfish, perhaps cruel, to even postulate a reality of passing mental illness onto a new generation, however this burden was thrust on me unwillingly, and there are many times I see true beauty in it. My unique cognitive perception of reality has served me well...At times. At others, it feels like a war that always ends with mental subjugation. I am rendered powerless, and fall into that never ending pit of despair until I find that flicker of light that ignites my desperate soul, and the winds of change fuel that fire until I feel indestructible once more. It is a nefarious cycle of events that torments me every time. Sometimes I feel too old and weak to push through or I am afraid one day the spark will stop appearing. I My poor husband. I didn't even stop to think before I married him if he could handle my deranged nature. I don't think he can be the support person I need. Although I am bipolar, this crisis I find myself in isn't purely psychological. It is financial, physical, and yes mental. The stress I'm feeling is insurmountable, and I am desperate to find a way to rectify the situation and assemble all the broken pieces of my life into a mosaic that may not be perfect, but at least tolerable, maybe even pleasant to the eye. My first wish is that this migraine that has plagued my brain for 3 days would subside and let me at least try to formulate a plan to get me out of this mess...even if the plan fails.
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