How The Cure kept me alive...

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When I was 18, I left my life behind. I jumped on a plane, didn't tell anyone, and moved to Michigan from California. Yes...for a boy. In fact, he is bio dad of my oldest son, who is now 19. This 'boy' tried to educate me in the world of the intellectual elite. One day, he criticized my taste in music. He told me that The Cure wasn't 'deep' enough and that my taste in music would mature one day. Well, The Cure has always been my favorite band, now and forever more. This boy had given me loads of literature to read, so when he accused The Cure of not being deep enough, I corrected him. "Killing An Arab" was based on the first book he ever gave me, "The Stranger" by Albert Camus. It is still one of my favorite books and a book I have all my children read. "A Letter to Elise" is based off of "Letters of Felice" by Franz Kafka. So, I really don't think anyone can accuse Robert Smith of now having a depth to his soul. In fact, my oldest daughter's father and I both loved the Cure so much that I gave her the middle name Elise. Anyway, back to how The Cure saved my life. Before I moved to Michigan, before I had children, there was another 'boy'. He was obsessesed with The Cure almost as much as I was and he took me to my first Cure concert. I fell in love. I realized that there wasn't a Cure song I didn't like and not only did the lyrics comfort my wild soul, but the music was so beautifully composed. I dreamt through that music, even when it had no words. When I wanted to die, in the darkness that I never let anyone see, The Cure was there. I felt like someone had been there before me. It made me feel less alone. I knew from a very young age that I was in love with Robert Smith and his music. When I was about 7 or 8 I remember seeing this teenage boy at the bowling alley, his hair screamed that wild gothic style and his clumsy makeup was absolutely gorgeous. I wanted to run up to him, dive into his long trench coat and hug him tightly. I knew that he was like me. I never even knew his name. When I was older, about 12 and in 7th grade, I fell in love with another boy. He eventually succumbed to my advances, and I had to admit, I just wanted to wear his Cure jacket, but he never let me. That relationship didn't last long. I also fell in love with other bands: Depeche Mode, The Smiths, Korn, Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, Joy Division/New Order, etc. etc. etc... but The Cure was always at the forefront of my mind, the driving force of my imagination. I even wrote a short story once based on "The Walk" and another based on "Killing An Arab" / "The Stranger". Literature, paired with this music helped me to see past the pain I so deeply felt. I knew my soul could be likened to people like Ian Curtis and Kurt Cobain, but I knew that there were others that made their way through the darkness. They continued to use their art to transcend it, instead of dwell in it. Last night I listened to the entire "Disintegration" album and fell in love all over again. I am inspired and full of hope and life. I don't know how long it will last, but I know that today I am ok. I know that I have so much to share, and I hope one day other people will feel the same way about my work as I do about Robert Smith's. I want to help other people get through the darkness.