Crying Again
By KiraNoFutago
@KiraNoFutago (107)
United States
July 12, 2017 2:08am CST
Crying for the first time in a while now. I won't really go into why at the moment, it's lifelong family issues boiling over once again and if I keep on with my past tales it'll come out eventually anyway. While I'm angry is probably not the best time to elaborate.
I just don't cry often. I get angry and rage around my bedroom sometimes when it gets a bit much and the usual sidetracking doesn't get rid of the pressure, but crying is maybe once or twice a year, if that. So it's an odd event.
It even ended while typing, because the pressure was let off.
Just the edges. I needed to vent just this little bit, that's all it takes.
I've been feeling like I need to be stabbed for the last week or so now. Stabbed or burned, over and over and over in my head as the only cures. Over and over and over and over. I want to burn some sage, and watch the smoke, but that triggers my VCD and I can't breathe well. I start coughing. If I'm not careful it'll be much like an asthmatic fit. I might do it anyway.
Or burn some hair. I've always liked the smell of my hair burning. One or two long strands and maybe more pressure will be gone.
I just need an out but there's no out. I've taken all the outs I can and I really need to get back in to some of the places I've been hiding from, like work. It's eating me whole and I have nothing left I can safely cut out to help. More is coming. Next year will be worse, I already know. The plans have been brought up, and there's no answer that I can use to win.
I hate and I hate and I hate and I hate.
It never leaves.
4 people like this
7 responses
@shikharava (1838)
•
12 Jul 17
I understand how you feel. But certainly burning your hair won't help in as much as it would damage your hair and your psyche. Please try to calm down for now. Let me be your crying shoulder, if you want one. Let's speak here for a while. Do vent your frustration and anger by engaging to something more fruitful, like listening to music. Do you like manga? I have a feeling you do. Read one if you want. Right now. It would be a wholesome experience. :) and please don't hurt yourself anymore.
2 people like this
@KiraNoFutago (107)
• United States
12 Jul 17
Oh, I don't use still-connected hair. I have thick hair so I shed like a cat, no worries there. Thank you for the offer, but this is honestly about as much venting as I feel safe doing. Talking about details once I'm past the fuming usually just brings it all back up. I do music often, it keeps me level, but that's a daily self-care and doesn't help bit events so much. I need to find a new favorite manga, as I'm not great at paying attention to rereading.
I've been using Mr Nightmare on Youtube for release these last few days, since interesting gets me. Also listening to Welcome to Nightvale as it makes me happier. I need mostly to see if I can't find my old Dresden novels (or see if there's a new one since last I read) because those stories make me the happiest I've ever been, to memory.
I do usually vent well, but since it builds pretty much daily most of that just keeps me level. This particular set of family issues burns me hard though, and builds up fast. Not all of my coping mechanisms are wholesome, but most aren't so bad. The less happy ones are my emergency sets, mostly because I refuse to abuse others. I walk away and hurt myself because I can feel an explosion building and usually it's way out of proportion to what triggered it.
1 person likes this
@KiraNoFutago (107)
• United States
12 Jul 17
I could never get into Gintama, but I'll look into the others. But there's consequences to taking this issue lightly but there's a blowout each time I even touch at trying to help. I can't help how many things are piling up right now, and I'm trying to do everything at once because I must. Again, I really don't want to go into details now (as I'll fume again) but probably later, but when the issue is the difference between the abuse of an 8 year old girl or her being able to grow up the first woman in our family (that I know of) who doesn't get abused, I refuse to take it lightly.
I appreciate the advice, it just doesn't really apply well to the situation. ^^;
1 person likes this
@shikharava (1838)
•
12 Jul 17
@KiraNoFutago you need to take things more lightly and understand that life is testing you. Life's testing all of us here. It's not a mundane affair, one's life, that's what makes it interesting. And don't let things pile up and overwhelm you. You need to stop them whenever they crop up and when you can. You don't have to run everytime. But don't divert your frustrations towards people also. Understand their differences. And more clearly, Understand yourself! Don't ruin yourself for petty things.
BTW, have you read Horimiya? If not then please do. And Gintama? And Working!!! -and related works like Working!!.
Best of luck and take care. :)
1 person likes this
@KiraNoFutago (107)
• United States
12 Jul 17
Thank you. I've literally never lived without it, to memory, so I don't have much hope, but I'll settle for it not growing so much all the time.
@toniganzon (72279)
• Philippines
12 Jul 17
I hope someday you'll just woke up with nothing but happiness in your heart.
1 person likes this
@KiraNoFutago (107)
• United States
12 Jul 17
It's nice to be able to let go of old hatreds, yes. Some of the healthiest things I've done in my life was giving up and releasing people and, eventually, my hatreds. This particular one lives in the same house as I do, though, so that's not really an option here. =\
1 person likes this
In time. you can have inner peace and a peaceful place.@KiraNoFutago (107)
• United States
12 Jul 17
I've considered martial arts or dancing but I can't afford the classes at the moment, or the tools. ^^;
@KiraNoFutago (107)
• United States
12 Jul 17
It's not that there aren't, but none during times I don't work (and not many to chose from at all really). Part of my stress is the possibility of moving next year though, and so the course options and job hours will probably both shift drastically. I'll try again then.
@MALUSE (69409)
• Germany
12 Jul 17
@KiraNoFutago Go on looking! There may be cheap or even free courses.
1 person likes this
@KiraNoFutago (107)
• United States
12 Jul 17
Oh I do, all of the time. I'm a master of distraction. Just being here is a great distraction, really. Thank you for your advice
1 person likes this
@vsai2008 (11796)
• India
12 Jul 17
@KiraNoFutago Don't mention.
Have positive thoughts and have a good day ahead :)
1 person likes this
