Loving an addict

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My husband is a drug addict. Currently he is going through yet another relapse. He has stopped meth, and xanax, and pain killers. This last one he is kicking is heroine. It's a really tough one to break. For those that don't know what it's like, imagine the worst flu you could ever have - the chills, the shakes, constantly yawning, your muscles cramping up...everything....now multiply that by about 50 or so times. That's what the detox is like...or at least that's how my husband describes it. Every times he has gotten clean, he has run back to the drugs for one reason or another. This last time it was because he lost his job. Now he has to have carpel tunnel surgery, and he is in so much pain that detoxing right now is just a horrendous idea since he has no way of really managing the pain. This has been the 7th time he's relapsed and i always get asked: "how do you handle it? You must be so strong to handle it." The truth is that yeah, I have to be strong. But not for me. For him. You see, I love my husband, and I wouldn't honestly be able to say that I love him if I gave up on him. I won't deny that I do have my limits, but we are actually no where near hitting them. I only had a small idea of why he kept turning to drugs until I decided to open up his mind and break down his emotional walls. He has never been able to develop any healthy coping skills. He has no hobbies because he was always trying to be what his family wanted him to be. The pressure got to be too much. He started with weed, then he jumped to pain killers. After that he was on the next thing to make him feel better, even though he didn't realize how much he was just burying his real problems. He didn't realize how much more I could unearth. He almost outstubborned me the other day when I suggested not just mental health therapy, but drug counciling too. When I finally got him to realize that he was just denying the possibility of actually getting the tools for fear of being judged, and that he doesn't have to just settle with the person they gave him, he opened his mind and asked me to help him schedule the appointment. Love is the hardest thing to give, next to trust when it comes to addiction, and we all (yes, me too) are completely ignorant when we have never tried it and attempted to get clean. I was my husbands first relationship in 8 years. I promised him every step of the way that I would never judge him, or walk away for some dumb reason. As of this date, he's never laid a hand on me. He's said some REALLY stupid things, but now I can take a step back and instead of react, I can understand. It is hard to stay hopeful sometimes, but every time I look in his eyes, and hear him whispering a prayer at night for help when he thinks I'm asleep, I know that he's trying his hardest. I know he hasn't given up getting clean, and he wants to be a better man for his family. That's why I can stay. I can keep fighting with him, keep pushing him to keep trying. To be kind to himself when he relapses, and to encourage the next sobriety attempt, and even through the long nights, and the fights, and the stupid things he says when he's detoxing, I know that the man I love is in there, and that he's fighting to break free. That's how I can keep this up. That's how I can keep loving an addict.