Mom's Alphabet

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A - ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning. C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting. E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING." F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew. G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair. H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers. I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. J - JUNK: Dad's stuff. K - KISS: Mom's medicine. L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 5 cents. M - MAYBE: No. N - Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp." O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad. P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops. Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college. R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen. S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma. T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS". U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident. V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too. W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room. X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying. Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school. Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.