If beggars were choosers

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Its one of those what if? days for me. This afternoon we're taking Sally pup-8 years old now! in to see Santa Paws. Leah might sit in the car and wait cause she is reactive to other pups. Growls and is just plain nervous. 90 pound Leah. Sweet dog otherwise but I just do not feel in the mood to deal with it all. My huge case of what if?? is caused by one of my brother's birthdays. Happy birthday, big brother! I'm sorry you only made it to your 43rd special day. What if you hadn't decided to smoke pot and nicotine? Would that have helped? What if you were here today? What would you look like if you had made it past middle age? What if we had found a way to stop being mean to each other? On and on the merry go round spins. Making me dizzy. Its that kind of day. The weather is mild for December. I keep the good times; you teaching me to ride a bike, those times, I keep them where it matters as I go through the day. Soon enough it will be the 23rd. That day that you left. In a huge way it is good that Mom no longer suffers through this. In a huge way dementia is her blessing and solace. Off I go, waiting for the sunrise.