Relationships and boundary
By vanny
@vandana7 (98900)
India
February 12, 2018 11:07pm CST
There was a lady here who was physically abused by her husband and she wanted to leave him, and wanted advise out here. Having been in broken home, I know the vulnerability of children. I asked her to hang on in the marriage for the sake of children. I was wrong in saying that and I sincerely apologize.
I of all people should have known how it feels to be physically abused. That said, if the children are fine with the parent, prejudicing them against the parent is also wrong.
Mother I feel should let child receive the love and wisdom of both parents.
As I mentioned somewhere, we are a bunch of experiences. Our experiences teach us who is trustworthy. They also teach us how, when, why, where, which.... Parents have a stock of those experiences, which will spare us the effort of having to go through some of them, though some of those conclusions may also become redundant over a period. But if the child can cash in on those experiences he/she would be on fast track instead of going through same turmoils again. Why deny the child bright future, IF THE PARENT IS LOVING AND CARING PERSON AS FAR AS THE CHILD IS CONCERNED?
So do you think that our hurt entitles us to expect our loved ones to take sides as if to declare we are right or do you think each relationship should be assessed based on rights, duties, obligations. Meaning, my relationship with my father is that of father and daughter. I should not be thinking he has been bad to my mother, or his friend etc. The whole picture is not mine.
9 people like this
10 responses
@LadyDuck (458730)
• Switzerland
13 Feb 18
Women should never stay in an abusive relationship. Too many time it happened that the husband finally killed the woman and even their children. Children suffer more living with an abusive father and watching their mother being beaten than to live with only one parent.
5 people like this
@toniganzon (72279)
• Philippines
13 Feb 18
I agree 100%. Wife staying with an abusive husband is totally wrong because she is putting her life in danger as well as her kids. Both physically and mentally.
4 people like this
@LadyDuck (458730)
• Switzerland
13 Feb 18
@toniganzon Kids suffer more than we think in an abusive house. No women should accept to stay with a husband who does not respect her. It is too dangerous and I see no reason why she should sacrifice her life, this would bring nothing good to her kids.
4 people like this
@vandana7 (98900)
• India
13 Feb 18
I perfectly agree with this now. I was wrong in looking at it only from the child's perspective. That said, adults have different reasons to rub each other the wrong way. If parent is good towards the child, there is simply no reason to keep the wealth of love and experiences away from the child, simply because that person has been physically abusive towards mother.
4 people like this
you agree with me!? 
@Sreekala (34312)
• India
13 Feb 18
Actually the problem is we are not getting any training how to be a good parent. The wrong thoughts are conveyed to children even if there is no violence in home. Reason lack of knowledge. I think it is high time to start institute to teach people how to be a good parent.
According to me, physical torture and mental torture are equally traumatic. Children get disturbed mentally in both cases. Sadly they are the silent victims in between the issues of parents.
3 people like this
@prashu228 (37526)
• India
13 Feb 18
I did not expect that you said to hang on in such marriage..
hmmm. coming to the point such cases are so common here, everyone says the same" for the sake of children" but they forget about the other important points such as what affect such children have and all..and there are other things as well in our society like how a women is looked down who walks out her marriage and lot of other things which we cannot even imagine..
hmmm. coming to the point such cases are so common here, everyone says the same" for the sake of children" but they forget about the other important points such as what affect such children have and all..and there are other things as well in our society like how a women is looked down who walks out her marriage and lot of other things which we cannot even imagine..2 people like this
@vandana7 (98900)
• India
13 Feb 18
I agree I was selfish. I was thinking if the lady leaves, she will have to work. If she works the child will have to be left in care of somebody else, who may resent it, or the person may be a pedophile, or somebody who eventually asks for their pound of flesh...I did so much for you can't you do this much for me type of person. In school too the child gets to hear a lot you know. Why did your parents divorce, how did your parent die and stuff like that. Even being accidentally told that ..oh your father won't be able to drop you at the party or being isolated because the child does not fit the group - may be can't afford to join the party or is unable to understand the social nuances are all somethings that fall in the child's plate. The child is ill equipped to handle much of it.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98900)
• India
13 Feb 18
I agree I was selfish. I was thinking if the lady leaves, she will have to work. If she works the child will have to be left in care of somebody else, who may resent it, or the person may be a pedophile, or somebody who eventually asks for their pound of flesh...I did so much for you can't you do this much for me type of person. In school too the child gets to hear a lot you know. Why did your parents divorce, how did your parent die and stuff like that. Even being accidentally told that ..oh your father won't be able to drop you at the party or being isolated because the child does not fit the group - may be can't afford to join the party or is unable to understand the social nuances are all somethings that fall in the child's plate. The child is ill equipped to handle much of it.
1 person likes this
@JamesHxstatic (29256)
• Eugene, Oregon
13 Feb 18
Women should always get out of an abusive relationship, I think. If the other parent is a good for the kids, not abusive to them, then that relationship with that parent should be okay.
3 people like this
@vandana7 (98900)
• India
14 Feb 18
I too agree now. And I am glad we agree that if the other parent is good for the kids not abusive to them, then prejudicing children against them is being unfair to the child. After all, who knows, mom might die or get sick, and children may need somebody whom them can actually trust.
@JAWwriting (298)
• United States
13 Feb 18
A person is not little parts as asserted toward individuals in their life. If a man is abusive to his wife but you thinking that is apart from his relationship with his child saddly this is flawed where all actions of a person makes them. The child sees dad hits mom but then is told not to take sides dad loves you results in a confused child. The man still abused the child where they are harmed with having to see mother suffer.
If a man is abusive he loses all rihhts to his children in my opinion.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98900)
• India
13 Feb 18
You bring an interesting point to the table. You say that the child sees mother being abused and mother taking a stand against it is in conflict with child being told that whatever it is, that is between mother and father, and for all practical purposes, father still loves him. I am a bit confused here because if selection is between a pedophile, and natural father who cared and did not beat the child, but beat the mother, what would you do?
@vandana7 (98900)
• India
14 Feb 18
@JAWwriting As I mentioned elsewhere, all women are not exactly into those feelings of motherhood. Some hate having children but have them because they are expected to bear them and would want to be free of them.
All I can say is, I have known some fathers who have not been exemplary, in fact, bad, at one point in their lives and have transformed into good and worthy souls. Like the guy in Mayor of Casterbridge. So do you condemn to an extent that the reformed man never gets a chance to call his flesh and blood a child, and condemn when the anger issue was essentially related to lapse on the part of mother? May be she spent away the savings on a dress when the guy was saving for rainy day and may be she was nagging him. If all women were perfect, why would women have differences. There can be "bad" variety there as well. We give limited sentence to a person killing another person, but we give lifetime sentence to parent whose love for the child is perhaps genuine.
@JAWwriting (298)
• United States
14 Feb 18
@vandana7 To require a 'what if' answer is not cognitive of reality. My answer will always be neither. Be strong for your child and not let either.
To say a father only hits the mother so it is okay to be in the child's life is crazy. A man hitting a kid's mother is abusing the kid. Period.
1 person likes this
@BelleStarr (61047)
• United States
14 Feb 18
Relationships are always complex and I came from an abusive home. My mom never left and as an adult, I had a wonderful relationship with my father. You gave advise that you thought was in the best interest of the child, no one can fault you for that.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98900)
• India
14 Feb 18
Thank you for saying that. I felt mother can some how manage but a child will start facing a bunch of predators and is not equipped for all that. I do feel for the lady, but people should also watch out for the nature of the person before committing into something as serious a responsibility as a child.
1 person likes this
@garymarsh6 (23393)
• United Kingdom
17 Feb 18
No husband or wife should stay in an abusive relationship even when you say for the sake of the children. No the children still pick up on this even if they do not see physical violence happening but will probably still be aware of it. They may think it is 'normal behaviour' and see nothing wrong carrying on with this when their time comes. Better to be safe and out of harms way!
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98900)
• India
17 Feb 18
Then what is the solution for child. At other end, as I see it, mother would have to work to make two ends meet. She would be tired coping with work and all the works related to home, and child, child's school, etc., to shower much affection. The child may also be left in wrong company when she goes shopping or for any medical check up or job interview. If the parent she left is not abusive towards the child, should she or should she not consider him as an alternative for leaving the child with?
