Parents and old age
@sprite1950 (30453)
Corsham, England
March 24, 2018 2:01am CST
Towards the end of her life my mum needed a lot of help. I couldn't have her in my home as I look after a young child and she couldn't have coped with the noise so I would look after her in her own home until her quality of life became so poor I could no longer manage and then she went into an old people's home.
I felt guilty but she liked it there and all her day to day needs were met. I could visit her whenever she wanted and the care staff were very good keeping me informed if anything was wrong.
My only regret is I was not there when she passed away, She had a fall that day and never really recovered. I had a call from the care home and planned to visit later that day as I had no reason to believe she would die so quickly..
I know many of you are very close to your parents and some of you like me have already lost them. I wonder whether you would want to look after them in their later years or would you prefer it if they were in a home?
Image from Pixabay
19 people like this
17 responses
@toniganzon (72285)
• Philippines
24 Mar 18
It is our culture that our parents stay with us until their last days. Most people from this country are even quick to judge those children whose parents are in a home. But I know we are in different situation but to answer your question, if my parents were still alive, I knew that they wouldn't be in a home like my grandparents.
4 people like this
@toniganzon (72285)
• Philippines
24 Mar 18
@sprite1950 Yeah I understand and you mentioned that in your discussion already. Like I said it is our culture and I know yours is different.
My great grandmother had dementia and I used to visit her in my grandfather's house every afternoon to bring her her favourite food.
3 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
@toniganzon That sounds about right. My mum would say I was taking money out of her account for my contact lenses when really it was for her hearing aid batteries! 
It's funny now but very frustrating at the time as she would not believe me.
It's funny now but very frustrating at the time as she would not believe me.2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
It's quite common for our old folk to go into homes. I managed until she reached 88 but she had dementia at the end and became quite difficult. She did not want to live with a young child and used to make my granddaughter cry with unkind remarks.
3 people like this
@vandana7 (98830)
• India
24 Mar 18
Notwithstanding whatever be my situation with my parent, I would look after him. For one, it is repayment of obligation that is there between him and me, and for more saner reason ..others would not understand him as well as I do, and he may hesitate to tell them somethings...or they may snap at him ...I can't bear the thought of him being spoken to roughly.
4 people like this
@vandana7 (98830)
• India
24 Mar 18
@sprite1950 Then I have good reason to keep him here. In any event, if I die, the old age home is just on the parallel street. He can let this property out to cover his expenses.
2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
@vandana7 Here, if they have property, they have to sell it to pay for their expenses in the home.
2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
@vandana7 That does happen over here where carers abuse old people and get impatient with them. Luckily I used to work in the home my mum went into and knew all the staff plus they were careful not to upset me as they new I would complain,
2 people like this
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
11 May 18
Its a very touch situation for some.
I tried to stay in England to look after my Mom but I was driven out by enormous pressure being put on me and they were spiteful to her and cruel and knew that she would become ill again if under so much pressure.
In the end as I had no other house to stay in I had no choice but to come back here.
Those who pointed fingers at me had no idea of what she and me were going through so I talked long and deep with the Social Assistant she had and told her what they were doing and I cried all the way down to Dover and through France its not something I like to remember but with time it has healed.
Sometimes you have to do things that you don´t want to do even though you try hard to keep going with the situation.
She knew that I did all I could and that for me is enough.
3 people like this
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
12 May 18
@sprite1950
With time it has healed more or less there is the odd time or two it all comes back or in part and it does not hurt like it did so I have managed to heal it and move on.
She is free now and is often here with me.
She knows that I saved her from their wicked hands albeit not in the best of conditions and they left me no other choice.
What I found really silly is the Doctor´s attitude treating me as an outsider like a complete stranger when I was the one doing all the stuff that needed to be done.
Its also the same here there is a kind of disconnection that does not help matters at all.
2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
12 May 18
@lovinangelsinstead21 My sister and nephew never bothered with my mum, they would go a year and not see her sometimes. I was there all the time and yet she always made such a fuss of them on the rare occasions they turned up. It used to make me so mad. Her doctor however treated me with with great respect because he knew I always looked after her.
2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
12 May 18
What a sad story. I do hope you have come to terms with it now as it was not your fault and you did what you could. Life can be very cruel sometimes,
2 people like this
@Freelanzer (10745)
• Canada
24 Mar 18
I was born in a society where there were no care homes and children took care of their parents. However, It is much different I found out here in Western societies. It would depend on where they would get the best care for whatever the problem is. My mom is still alive and she loves to live by herself and she is a lot more active than I am sometimes, I feel. I know she won't be happy living in my home as she loves her privacy. If it comes to a point that she can't care for herself and she doesn't need specialized care, I have no problem with her living with me.
3 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
My mum never wanted to live with me and lived independently for most of her life. It was only towards the end of her life she needed nursing and she loved the home she went to. I was grateful for that.
2 people like this
@oahuwriter (26780)
• United States
11 May 18
Your Mother is lucky to have you to care for her. Please let her know that you'd take care of her. You're a good child.
2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
Sometimes it can be quite hard especially when it comes to personal care. My mum often had toilet accidents and did not like me to help her as she was embarrassed.
2 people like this
@NoorNoor (2131)
• India
24 Mar 18
@sprite1950 yes...then we have no choice.we should respect them.
2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
@NoorNoor Before she went into a home she had a carer who would come in and help her in the mornings as I could not get there too early, She didn't mind her cleaning up any accidents.
2 people like this
@Jessabuma (31700)
• Baguio, Philippines
24 Mar 18
Well, for me it is necessary to take good care of them when they already old, it is the only way we can repay them for taking care of us when we were still young. Be good to our parents. Love them more than you love yourself, you can not take good care of them when they are gone already so start to take good care of them now, now that they are still alive .
3 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
I think it's more common in your country than in mine. I wonder how you cope if you have children in the same house as my mother did not like noise, it would upset her.
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@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
@Jessabuma Yes I had noticed that. I think Italians are the same.
2 people like this
@Jessabuma (31700)
• Baguio, Philippines
24 Mar 18
@sprite1950 yes , most Filipinos want their parents to live with them than to send them on Home for the Aged.
2 people like this
@dodo19 (47066)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
24 Mar 18
@sprite1950 Very true. I haven't really had to think about it. It's mostly when I saw my mom having to deal with those decisions with her mom a little over a year ago, when it kind of hit me a little. I realized that sooner or later I may be there too.
2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
@dodo19 Make the most of your parents as one day you will look at them and wonder where the time has gone. I can't believe mine are both gone and I am so much older myself.
2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
It's something you don't think about when you are young. It all seems so far away, something that happens to other people, and then suddenly you are in the position where you have to make a decision.
2 people like this
@Tina30219 (81538)
• Onaway, Michigan
24 Mar 18
I would prefer to keep my mother home as long as possible . I will take care of my mom as long as I can and when I can’t she will have to go into a home.
2 people like this
@Tina30219 (81538)
• Onaway, Michigan
24 Mar 18
@sprite1950 That is good she remembered you sorry to hear she did not remember your daughter. My grandfather when he was dying when call me by my moms name sometimes because I look like her.
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@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
That's how it was for me. She was only in a home for the last 18 months of her life and I visited her as much as I could.
1 person likes this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
@Tina30219 She remembered me but couldn't remember who my daughter was which was quite upsetting for her as she looked after a lot when she was little.
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@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
Don't they exist in your country.? What if an elderly person has no children to look after them?
2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
25 Mar 18
@Shavkat Wow it's so different over here. We have many old people's homes and they are full. There is often a waiting list,
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@Shavkat (137215)
• Philippines
25 Mar 18
@sprite1950 We do have an institution but for those elders who were being abandoned by their family. No one attempted to have such facility. In the first place, it cannot be profitable for the owner. But then, some families hire caregivers to take good care of their elders and they are stay-in.
2 people like this
@caopaopao (12395)
• China
12 May 18
If my parents are old and I still hope they can live with me, it will be more convenient to take care of them. I heard that our nursing home is not very formal, and some people are not good to the elderly.
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@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
12 May 18
We do get people who abuse the elderly here but it is rare. My mum was treated very well in the home she lived in and we could visit her most days.
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@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
12 May 18
@caopaopao That's how I feel. I don't want to be a burden on my children.
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@caopaopao (12395)
• China
12 May 18
@sprite1950 Oh that is great. I want our nursing home to be more standardized. When I get old, I also hope to go to the nursing home. Because I don't want to trouble my kid.
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@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
25 Mar 18
I hope they will stay healthy to a ripe old age. Are they both well now?
2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
25 Mar 18
@nela13 Around the same age as me. I feel quite guilty when I see how many countries look after their old folk. My mum was quite ill and had no mobility at the end so I don't think I could have coped with those last 18 months. I did visit her every day though.
2 people like this
@nela13 (55700)
• Portugal
25 Mar 18
@sprite1950 Yes they are. They will be 68 this year, I think they are still young and deserve to have a lot of years to live well. I as I am concerned I will be here to help them.
2 people like this
@nitirrbb7 (4317)
• India
24 Mar 18
Me and My elder brother takes care of my mother who had stroke 2 years ago. We just can't imagine keeping her in home. I am sorry for your loss but sometimes you really don't have a choice.
2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
24 Mar 18
Thanks. Well she was happy to go into a home but had she not been we would have had to think of something else.
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@nitirrbb7 (4317)
• India
25 Mar 18
@sprite1950 Yeah she must be comfortable with being in the home, but it was sad that you didn't get to be close to her in her last moment.
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@nitirrbb7 (4317)
• India
26 Mar 18
@sprite1950 I am sorry that is one of the hardest moments you must have to witness someone close leaving forever, don't worry your mom must be resting in peace in Heaven.
2 people like this
@oahuwriter (26780)
• United States
11 May 18
I believe you did right by your Mother. You wanted the best, for her and your family. Dementia is very difficult, especially for younger people, so your Mother got good care, safety and kindness too. Making sure your Mother got care, is how much you loved her. My Mother passed last year, and was satisfied & glad she was well cared for in the hospital. 3 days before she went, we said "I love you". That was the last she was coherent. 3 days later she passed in her sleep. I got the call 1:30am
It's never easy when loose someone, doubly hard when Mom passes. I miss my Mother as you must miss yours. I'm certain that they know we love them and did our loving best for them. I believe that they watch over us lovingly too.
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
12 May 18
Thank you for your kind words. I like to think my mother watches over me and I sometimes talk to her. I can think of her without pain now and my sister and I often talk about her and recall the funny things she used to say.
2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
12 May 18
@oahuwriter We still have my mum's ashes 3 years on and still don't know what to do with them. We have put her pearls on the cask and light candles for her sometimes. Mother's day is in March here so we have already had ours.
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@oahuwriter (26780)
• United States
12 May 18
@sprite1950 No, problem for it is the truth.
Memories now bring calm and a time worth visiting always...I often do that... going to memory lane where loved ones wait for us. We will have Mother's Day on the 13th. I know our nearby Marukai Wholesale Mart has fresh flowers on Thursdays. Got my Mom a nice bunch of flowers with sun flowers for her. Left at church at the family's niche, the same sun flower bouquet for the family. Being born a Buddhist and learned about Catholic, we believe in God, so I embrace both and became multi-religious. I too speak to my departed Mom via her picture.
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@mlgen1037 (29886)
• Manila, Philippines
26 Mar 18
I am close to my parents, most especially my mom and I want to be with her all the time. We recently had an argument but then she is the one who reached out. I havent gotten home yet. But I feel special because she is looking for me. 
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@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
26 Mar 18
That's nice. I used to hate falling out with my mum too although my dad and I always fought a lot until I left home.
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@mlgen1037 (29886)
• Manila, Philippines
26 Mar 18
@sprite1950 I am sorry to know that. But how are you with your dad now? My dad and I have the same personality that we clash sometimes but I got used to it. Love them both to pieces.
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@mlgen1037 (29886)
• Manila, Philippines
26 Mar 18
@sprite1950 I am sorry, my friend. I guess we will never know what weve got till it is gone.
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@allknowing (130064)
• India
25 Mar 18
Joint family system no longer exists and so when parents are bed ridden it is best they are kept in good old age homes.
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@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
12 May 18
I think in some cultures it still exists but not here in the UK.
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@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
9 Jun 18
Yes I know it is more common in other cultures to look after your family when they get old. Here we have lots of homes for our old folk.
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@spiderdust (14741)
• San Jose, California
28 Mar 18
I don't think I could handle looking after my mother right now, and I know my dad is having trouble with that. I'm glad he's found a good quality place for her, we just have to wait for a spot to open.
2 people like this
@sprite1950 (30453)
• Corsham, England
28 Mar 18
@spiderdust I think it's best to be honest about the way we feel. I could not have done my mum's personal care and I know she would not have wanted me to. Some countries automatically look after their old folk but it's less common in the US ans UK.
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