My step nephew's death

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It has been two years since my stepnephew took his life and most of the time it's easy to forget about because I wasn't particularly close to him. I have thought about it off and on when my brother was living with us because it's what I think put my brother on his downward spiral. I often think about the reasons he did what he did but mostly I think about how the world lost someone that should be living and making a life for himself. He was still so young and should have had a whole life ahead of him. I remember babysitting him as a kid. My brother would bring him and my niece over and I'd watch them on occasion. I loved him but he was a brat as a child. He was difficult to handle sometimes. I remember how entitled he seemed to think he was later on. He and my niece both felt I should buy them what they wanted because they thought it was cheap not realizing that sometimes every dollar counts when you don't have it. They were used to getting what they wanted. My SIL spoiled them with things and treated them like her friends and not her children. I have always believed a kid needs a parent not a friend. I get people can be friends with their kids later on and that's fine but sometimes they just need a parent and I felt like neither really had that. Their mom loved them and I never felt like she didn't. I just felt like she needed to be authoritative at times but it wasn't my place to say anything as they weren't my kids. My brother was always drinking and while he could be a good dad at times he was more into drinking. Now he isn't there for my niece when she needs him because he's too busy being selfish and thinking about himself. I feel so bad for some kids. Those kids never fully had parents. My stepnephew's dad was a jerk to him or so I'm told and his wife was hard on my stepnephew. I just know that he didn't have the easiest childhood and that's what caused the issues and he had no one telling him "that's not ok to act that way" I think part of him wanted someone to step in and actually act as a parent. My brother tried for awhile but they wouldn't let him and ultimately my brother wasn't a good role model because he was and is an alcoholic. I just know both kids deserve(d) better than they were given. I have no doubt in my mind that my ex SIL loved them but just didn't know how to be a good parent. I think she tried but ultimately let guilt run her feelings. She worked a lot and I think that's how she made up for it. She didn't like anyone getting after her children and that made babysitting them hard so not many people really wanted to. My niece was nowhere near as bad as her brother but she definitely had her moments as all kids do. I know she deals with her own issues now. She hasn't had the kind of life she should have. She needs her dad but he's too busy being selfish to be a decent father. Regardless I don't know what my stepnephew was thinking when he did this or if he even was. I just wish he could have seen what it did to everyone that cared about him. I keep seeing this little bratty kid with a huge smile when I think about him. He was a smiley kid despite everything. I just wish things had been different for him in a lot of respects and then maybe things wouldn't have played out the way they did but it doesn't do any good to think about what ifs now. I just know that he should have had a whole life that he'll never get to live. I just know that a mother buried her son. I just know that a sister lost a brother. I know that nothing will ever be the same again and even now just over two years later everyone is still feeling his loss even more than ever before. I don't know where the blame lies. I know he did what he did and it was his decision but I also know he had to be in tremendous pain. I don't know if anything would have changed the scenario that played out that day but I know everything that came after has been heartbreaking. I remember watching the pictures of his life play on the screen at the funeral and thinking no parent should bring their baby home only to lose them so young and yet there we were and people all over the world lose their babies young and it may not be fair or right but it happens way too often and it is always heartbreaking. I feel like my brother may not be where he is right now if this all didn't happen but then again maybe he would. He has always been an alcoholic but he was a functioning one up until that point. I don't know what the future holds but I know that right in this moment as I think about him I think about the sadness his death has brought. I think about the life he should have lived and the people he left behind. I also think about the injustice of his short life. He should have had parents who advocated for him and tried less to be a friend. Ultimately the decision he made was his own but I can't help but feel there was more to it and that had the adults in his life stepped up and been parents he might still be here but it's just a theory. I will never know the full story. All I know is he isn't here and everyone is sad even two years later and probably for the foreseeable future.