When You Hate The One You Love...
@wreckedfeline (21)
February 8, 2022 3:31pm CST
The love of my life is a narcissist to the extreme. We've been together for 20 years. If you aren't familiar with what a narcissist is you can google it or just take my word for it. Narcissism is a personality disorder. A person afflicted with narcissism is unable to identify with emotions involving compassion, empathy, or love. They can fake it, which is the go-to weapon in their wheelhouse, but they don't experience those emotions themselves.
This man that I so dearly love has no real love for me. In the time I've been with him several close friends and relatives of his have passed away and he has never cried a tear for any of them nor does he speak of them. In the years we've been together I have declined and he has prospered. I go without while he loses nothing. Why do I stay, honestly? I have no way now to leave him - that ship has sailed. Back when I could have left I didn't. My life altering mistake. Since that time I find myself crushed by the weight of the bitterness I feel. Feelings of anger toward him and anxiety about a future that is a gray area because I've been so isolated from the world all these years have caused true illness in me.
I used to be able to say that I love him more than I hate him, but I can't say that anymore. I guess I am looking for input on how to get my life back faced with such an obstacle. Does anyone have an idea of what to do? All input is appreciated. I realize that the state I am in didn't happen overnight and won't be solved overnight, but I am alone in this and would love some feedback, even if it is critical.
If this is not a typical discussion here on mylot please forgive me. I am brand new here and this is my first effort. Thanks, everyone.
5 people like this
5 responses
@kaylachan (59063)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
9 Feb 22
First of all, do you know if this man has been offically diagnosed with this disorder? Or, is this an assumption you're making because the marriage isn't going as well as you would've hoped? I am sorry if this is to personal, but I can tell you from personal experience, everyone grieves in their own way and each loss hits a person differently.
When my mother passed, I was a wreck the first twinty-four hours. After that I was healing. Dad, sure I was shocked, (that really has nothing to do with empathy or anything) but I d didn't really feel much of anything or shed a tear for him. I was more annoyed people were giving their condulalances to me and I hadn't told them what happened. That was frusterating, sure.
My husband lost his father about five years ago, never shed a tear. Lost his mother last year, same thing. It did not mean he didn't love them. Or feel anything for their losses. Hell, and this surprised the hell out of me, we lost my cat, Precious, the first month after we moved into this house. And, surprisingly, my husband shed tears for him. I didn't think they were even that close. But he loved him, too.
Unless you know for sure, that he's really the type of man you think he is, I wouldn't blame him. There are things you can do, and take a long hard look at yourself. Ask yourself, what about you has changed. You can't fix him, but you can yourself.
2 people like this
@askme123 (6150)
•
12 Feb 22
@wreckedfeline Never blame yourself.You have lived with him for 20 years.You know this man inside out.You know what you are dealing with. Is he abusive?
@askme123 (6150)
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13 Feb 22
@wreckedfeline This is deep.He has really wreck your life.Have you sought counseling for him to stop the abuse and for you to overcome and manage the stress.
@wreckedfeline (21)
•
14 Feb 22
@askme123 No, we have never gone to any sort of counselling. I think we are beyond that point. I haven't reached out except on forums where my anonymity is assured. I've really been trying to look at how I am creating an environment where all of this nonsense can thrive and cause so much damage. As my mom used to say "It takes two to tango." The problem is that he doesn't think anything he does is wrong. Not in the sense that he doesn't understand that he is harming me - he doesn't see me as a person. Subhuman. I am that or nothing more than an extension of him.
My only job in this relationship now is to be wrong and act as a scapegoat for his failures. I have yet to ever hear him take responsibility for his actions. Like a petulant child he denies culpability or blames his actions on me. He is that guy who tells the woman he just beat up that it wouldn't have happened if she hadn't pissed him off. I never should have stayed after the first time violence erupted between us.
By not leaving I let him believe it was okay somehow. And yet my twisted heart still loves him, wants him to be happy, frets over his well-being with nothing but bitterness to protect the vulnerable spots. I wake up each day and my first thought is what a waste my life has been. I hate who I've become. I never feel safe, am utterly expendable, could be anyone as far as he is concerned. I feel like anyone could replace me and he wouldn't bat an eye. He never says my name which is a very strange kind of thing to notice. But for 20 years he has referred to me as 'she' when speaking of me to anyone. I don't even know why I added that here. It just bugs me.
@sharonelton (25473)
• Lichfield, England
9 Feb 22
I am very sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I don't know how I can help you, but I can listen, so if you want to talk, I am here. 
2 people like this
@sharonelton (25473)
• Lichfield, England
11 Feb 22
@wreckedfeline it's my pleasure.
1 person likes this
@sulynsi (2671)
• Canada
10 Feb 22
Ideally, if a couple is having trouble in their relationship, its best if they work together on the problem to improve matters. However, if one person doesn't see the need to make changes, does that mean there is no hope?
Just as you would consult the manufacturer of an appliance that has broken down, it is best to consult the 'owner's manual'.
Even if only one of the couple is willing to work on the relationship, it can help.
As the saying goes, you may not be able to change a situation or another person, but you can change the way you react to or deal with that situation or person.
You might find this series of articles on happiness in marriage to be comforting and they provide some practical suggestions.
https://www.jw.org/en/search/?q=happy+family+life+
@wreckedfeline (21)
•
11 Feb 22
Thank you, to each of you, for such well thought out responses. It takes time to read someone's issues and respond. That you took that time to try to add perspective to my problem is deeply appreciated.
I see a common theme here. I need to focus on myself, create an escape strategy, and actually follow through.
@LadyDuck (460563)
• Switzerland
9 Feb 22
Hello and welcome to myLot.
I think that it is time that you become independent. Find a job, go out from this relationship, start to live YOUR life without this man who does not care about you. Do not wait more. The longer you wait the harder it will be to become independent, I am sure you can now.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (460563)
• Switzerland
11 Feb 22
@wreckedfeline I hope you can get out from that situation.
1 person likes this
@askme123 (6150)
•
10 Feb 22
I can understand what you are going through.The greatest thing is that you have come to the realization that all of this is not your fault .Now you need to begin the process of self healing and self improvement.
He will never change so don't try to change him.
Start your own self improvement.Look a job and take care of yourself.
Do you have kids with him?
1 person likes this
@askme123 (6150)
•
12 Feb 22
@wreckedfeline Yes when they let you fall in love with them and then they betray you.It can wreck your life.
Especially when you have invested so much in the relationship.
1 person likes this
@wreckedfeline (21)
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11 Feb 22
I have every intention of following your advice, which is spot on. Isn't it funny though how we tell ourselves we can't change someone else when we have, in fact, been changed so completely by someone else?
1 person likes this
@wreckedfeline (21)
•
13 Feb 22
@askme123 I am so grateful to all of you for the support. I hope that your words find their way to others here who are going through this same thing. Your practical advice is a life preserver.
Having a plan is such a foreign concept in a life of frantic self preservation. Really, years can fly by just dodging bullets. Any down time whisks me back to how it was when we met and then I am mourning a person that only existed to buy the nightmare time to take root. A plan. First step is to get his voice out of my head, the one that tells me I am nothing. I'll drown it out with your input here, like a mantra...
1 person likes this
