Death

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I have been feeling weird lately. I have been obsessed with death for about the past year or so. Morbid I know but it's there in my mind. I can't get rid of it. But, over the last year or so I have been worried about dying. I am a curious person and I will wonder about my kids but that is not even the only reason for my ongoing worry about death. I just feel like death is the end. I mean the total end to everything we know of in this life. When we die our bodies are done. Our consciousness is over. It is all done. My problem with that is that unless I am semi-conscious at the time of my death I don't think I will go peacefully. I really believe that I will go out screaming and kicking. I don't want to die. The soul as depicted in the Bible is immortal and cannot die. I am an atheist but I do feel as if I still have a soul. It is a part of me spiritually. I'm sure it won't be going to heaven for I have not been 'saved'. I don't believe in all of that anyway. I don't really want to go to heaven anyway. I don't think I have been bad enough in this life that I would go to hell even if I were on the Christian fast track. The mere thought of it all being over is scary to me. I am not able to face it. I think I need some therapy because it is on my mind a lot and it makes me feel sick. I am obsessed with the thought of death. I wonder if there isn't another way. Intellectually I know better but, I wonder since no one has pursued another way if there isn't one. Years ago I wondered about cryonics but I learned it wasn't a realistic option. Information I look for brings up such things as assisted suicide. No, no, no. I don't want to die so why would suicide be an option? Hospice care? Comfort as death approaches is okay. It sounds like the best way to go. They improve the quality of death and give counseling and a whole list of things rather than just nursing care. A person tends to live longer with hospice care. So, maybe I will look into that. Fasting to shorten life? A peaceful ending of life would be nice if that is my only choice. Curiosity is a weird thing. Listening to Julie McFadden, RN(@hospicenursejulie.com) whom I found online has helped a bit. She says our body is built to die. I hope I go to sleep and just don't wake up. That would be perfect. She says a lot of positive things about death and her experiences as a hospice nurse. I will keep you informed on what I find out. Your thoughts. The picture is from wallpapernatureportrait.com