Humor of Steven Wright
December 4, 2006 9:02pm CST
 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."  And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.  Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"  Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?  Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night?  Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...  For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]  For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.  He was a multimillionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.  I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.  I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.  I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.  I collect rare photographs. One of them is of Houdini locking his keys in his car....  I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one It wasn't doing what I was doing.