Humor of Steven Wright

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[1] All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." [2] And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. [3] Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!" [4] Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [5] Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night? [6] Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it... [7] For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward] [8] For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. [9] He was a multimillionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in. [10] I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. [11] I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. [12] I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. [13] I collect rare photographs. One of them is of Houdini locking his keys in his car.... [14] I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one It wasn't doing what I was doing.