am I being unfair??

@mbs730 (2152)
Canada
December 6, 2006 3:52pm CST
Here is the situation. I HATE my mother in law. She is a horrible woman, very self centered and couldn't care less whether I live or die. She isn't even that devoted to my kids. She is the type that wants to impress others and only is a grandmother of convenience, you know to say she is a grandmother and to show pictures of them to her friends or whatever. But she never once showed any kind of concern for me, or even that much for them. I am unwell as I have a problem with my liver, she never even once showed ANY concern. Because my son was a little slow at first in his development she said he was a heartbreak! She also refused to help when her help could have been used. Oh gosh the list goes on and on about all the horible things she has done and all of the good things she didn't want to do. I could write a novel. But here is the thing. My husband, I understand won't just leave her because.. well she is his mother even though he admitted to me she has done unforgiveable things to him too... but she is still his mother. Fine, I accept that. He can talk to her and all of that. Just so as long as mine and the kids' needs come way before her's. But here is the thing. Every Sunday he takes the kids down to see her as fortunately I am spared and will never really want to see her again. I know I should really be happy to have time to myself on Sundays as one time I was but I am not looking it at that way anymore. That b***h does NOT deserve to see the kids!! Yeah they are her grandchildren, I understand that but she is not a good grandmother and the kids don't even really like her all that much!! But my husband feels sorry for her. She is a widow, and if she doesn't see the kids she will call him up everyday at work and take up most of his valued time there crying the blues and feeling sorry for herself. She has done this before. For that reason alone he wants her to see the kids every Sunday. But I really don't think the woman deserves to see the kids. And I am putting her horrible treatment towards myself at the side here. I am stressing now, that she is an indifferent grandmother and doesn't care about the well being of the kids. She just wants company!! I really don't want him taking the kids down to see her. But am I being unfair here for the sake of my husband (I couldn't care less about my mother in law's feelings)? I am not sure what to think.
11 people like this
106 responses
@cuddiluk (1523)
• Philippines
7 Dec 06
As a mother in law just respect her wishes it is to see her grandchildren once in a week. You have nothing to do with it but to accept the situation. Especially accept all the worst thing in your mother-in-law. As you said so, she is a widow and no once takes care of her but your husband.
@mbs730 (2152)
• Canada
7 Dec 06
Thanks, I know, I need to let some things go as well, uggh.
2 people like this
@lr5451 (224)
• India
7 Dec 06
yes i concur.being a widow she feels alone.if she comes to know you care her slowly her perception will change
2 people like this
• United States
7 Dec 06
First off, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I really think the best and only thing to do is to get into some family counseling program. This woman obviously needs some help or needs to get something off her mind. I wouldn't let my kids around a person like that. I'd be afraid she would influence the way they behave and would effect the growth of their personalities. If she doesn't want to agree to the counseling, I'd sit your husband down and layout an ultimatum. Either his mother gets some help, or the kids aren't going there. And above all remember, you don't need to love her, but its best if the kids can safely get along with her.
@mbs730 (2152)
• Canada
7 Dec 06
Thank you and I guess, well for the time being the kids are going to see her every Sunday. I can't do much about it. But no more than that and my husband knows this. Eventually the kids will see her for who she is and won't respect her in anyway. I appreciate your comments.
2 people like this
@rms2727 (815)
• India
7 Dec 06
whatever goes on between you and your mother in law, is a different story. but as far as the kids are concerned let them decide whether they want to see their grandmother or not. if they feel they have a problem with the grandmother and she's not nice to them, then you need to speak to your husband About finding a solution. and if the kids are OK with the idea of seeing their their grandmother every Sunday then let the things be as they are
2 people like this
@Cortney (3982)
• United States
7 Dec 06
I don't think that you are being selfish. This is how you feel. I would look at the whole picture. I know your kids don't really like her. Are they affected by the visits? Is she mean to them? Does she talk negative about you to your kids? Then I would talk to my husband and put a stop to it. If your kids are not affected, and out of respect for your husband (not his mom), let him take them. It gives him time with the kids too.. and it does give you a little break.
2 people like this
• United States
7 Dec 06
I agree w/ what some of U r say'g. Let her see the kids, but~ let's Get Real people. If the kids dont like her, Y not give them the Deciding Decision as to whether or not spend their Sunday w/ her. I know I wouldnt. I'd opt for the dentist over her. Or another C~section! The kids know she doesnt care & that's y they dont like her. Mbs said this in her post. Think of this from the kids perspective!~ They see how she is & probably would rather not see her at all. The grandmother on the other hand, Has her son Whipped. She can get him to do whatever she wants & basically tell his wife to sit~on~it & stay home if she doesnt like her. There's a fine line as to accepting someone for who she is & feeling sorry for her to the point that He gives into her all the time. And can't just simply tell her to try to act as if she has more of a family than just her son. And treat them better instead of being a B* toward people. That how she treats the woman who should b more important than her, sucks. He lives w/ her~ Not Mom. That it wont get her anything but Loneliness in the end. She's already lost the Daughter~in~Law, & soon the Grandchildren as well. Also, that she needs to get out & start doing things Instead of bugging her son 24 7. ~I have some1 like that in my life *my step~mother. As for Ur hubby Mbs, tell him. Look, I hate the way she treats us & how she makes me & the kids feel. If the kids dont wanna go, dont force them. Y not ask them if they wanna go see her b4 U haul the kids over there & subject them to her crappiness. The kids shouldnt have to be treated that way. & for U to let her, is just flat wrong. & leave the discussion w/ that. Maybe he'll think for once of the kids & not his mom. The kids & U should take priority over *pooor lil mommie who's all alone cuz she treats people like meirde.* She deserves what she gets. Like they say, "What comes around, Goes around." Bottom Line: Let the Kids make that decision. Dont force them. If people would let kids decide things once in a while, Maybe kids wouldnt grow up to sneak around behind their parents backs doing things like sneak'g outta the house to go party or run the streets until all hours or lie to them about stuff. They'd feel that they could be open to talking to their parents about anything w/before jumping to their on conclusions about the parents or other people or making that wrong decision. If my parents had given me that benefit, I think I wouldnt of gotten in so much trouble in school & at home. Mbs, I feel for U. Find that woman some friends & a man. Yahoo has a Groups section. Im sure there's some uptight, pitiful, snobby old bettys on there for her & a man that grew up learning from his older brother/s how to get her type to Get A Life & suck it up about being alone. & get off her Derriere!~
@mbs730 (2152)
• Canada
8 Dec 06
thank you!! I love that!!
@khathorxe (335)
• Philippines
7 Dec 06
Dont mind her..just live your life.but repect her still because shes still the mother of your husband and shes older than you..be strong!
1 person likes this
@mbs730 (2152)
• Canada
7 Dec 06
Just because she is the mother to my husband and is older than me, I have no means to respect her. She is a horrible mother in law to me and not a good grandmother to the kids... I cannot respect her.
@Krysha (48)
• United States
7 Dec 06
*Quote* he was a heartbreak *Quote* I would have blacklisted her from that moment on. I'm sorry but that is where I would have drawn the line.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Dec 06
I know exactly how you feel. I have a 'controling' mother in law also. I have felt many times the way you do about my kids seeing my Mother in law. But honestly - for the sake of your husband and your children I don't think letting her see the kids every Sunday is a big deal. Even tho you may have to bite your tonge and let them go. =( I know how hard of a situation this is and I wish you the best. Sometimes killing with kindness is the best way =).
• United States
7 Dec 06
I understand exactly what you are going through and how you feel. I have been in your shoes. Now I know it sucks, but she doesn't just need the company she needs to be shown the error of her ways. Not only are children great company, they are honest. When they see her behavior, they will say something and she will hear it because it came from the mouths of children who don't hold back when they see soemthing that is wrong. Hang in there. It is just a few hours a week and they will be a witness to her.
1 person likes this
@kennyDee (121)
• South Africa
7 Dec 06
This is definitely an expression of anger born out your mother-in-law callous attitude.But here somebody is in pain and that is you.YOU have to free youself from this burden,how?you have to show your own good side,it may be hard for you but two wrongs do not make it right.By forgiving her does not mean you are stupid but that will release you and set you free.
1 person likes this
@camara_me (615)
• United States
7 Dec 06
The kids even if she not nice. needs to decide on there own what kind of person she is. Try not to say anything about her in front of the kids. They on there own will see how she really is. Remember that is your husbands mom and it might hurt him down deep inside if you talk bad about her in front of him. ONe thing you sould remember, Is that she might not know how to be a good mother in-law. She is who she is and you are who you are.
1 person likes this
@saibal06 (2575)
• India
7 Dec 06
First of all I must say that you are not at all unfair.Whatever is your mental position would have been the same for anybody.But you are also understand your husbands problem.He si in a dilema. He knows that his mother not good with you and your children still he wants go to her place only due to the reason that she is his Mother afterall. Here you have to be a bit understandable.Just leave the matter as it is .. don't create pressure on your hubby and just be careful about your kids. I think your problem wil be solved.
1 person likes this
@amy0214 (1513)
• United States
7 Dec 06
I think if it is important to your husband to take the kids to see his mother then you should let him. As long as she is not being abusive to your kids. I didn't get to see my grandparents much when I was growing up. My one grandmother lived far away and my grandparents that lived close didn't really want much to do with us. Atleast she wants to see the kids.
1 person likes this
@raj78kr (37)
• India
7 Dec 06
in india 90% of family having same kind of problem. learn the tactics and win (it will come naturally to women its god gift}
1 person likes this
@mcgrath (52)
• India
7 Dec 06
Well, at this point of time allow your kids to go with their dad.Things can change easily as time progresses...i beleive that every person would realise at some point of time that they were/are wrong.who knows?Your MIL may also realise...rightnow, dont stress yourself thinking about this as an issue!
1 person likes this
• Ireland
7 Dec 06
I never thought that there could be two of this type of person in the world, but my mother-law is exactly the same. The only difference is, that she couldn't care less if she never saw her grandchildren, with the result, that neither myself or my husband ever go to visit and I honestly think she prefers it this way. My husband phones every so often, but she give the impression that she just doesn't want to be disturned, as she is probably watching one of her favourite soaps on tv. Yet, I can't help feeling sorry for her, and for my husband, as she shows absolutely no affection for other than herself.
@mbs730 (2152)
• Canada
8 Dec 06
Wow she really sounds like my mother in law! And she only cares about seeing the kids because she wants company!! Not because she loves them! So many crappy MIL's out there so it seems.
• United States
7 Dec 06
I just read some more responses & let me just say~ I cant believe some of U telling her to let the Grandmother see the kids!!!! Y subject them to her!! She treats people Down~Right~Bad!!! & wonders Y she's all alone. The words ~DUH!~ & ~DUMB!~ & ~STUPID!~ come to my mind. I wouldnt let my kids go & b around that kind of b.s.!! I'd rather have happy kids than Mother~in~Law but then again, she's already reached b*~ness so No Big Loss There. SHAME ON YOU GUYS!!
• United States
7 Dec 06
I forgot to add the basic element here. The woman is somewhat mentally abusive ~ that's y she's all alone & yes, it's abuse. Re~Read what Mbs put a lil slower people. I've been there & done that. That's how I know.
@sanell (2114)
• United States
7 Dec 06
I do not think that you are being unfair but I do think that what your husband is doing is the right thing, I think it is important that the kids see their grandmother regardless, My MIL is sort of similar and we have gotten to the point that he will take the girls to see her by himself, it is just too hard for me to try to make conversation but at times she will come to our house and that is okay with me. As long as she is good to my kids I do not really care... I hope that perhaps at some point she will turn around but sounds like that will never happen and that the only thing that could happen is that the kids will just not want to go, or your husband will get bored with going and listening to a bunch of sob stories from her.
@mbs730 (2152)
• Canada
7 Dec 06
Well she will never change as that I can guarantee. But hopefully the kids will see her for what she really is.
@adnan82 (673)
• Pakistan
7 Dec 06
heey . not at all..u r abosuletly rite..but let ur kids go to there grandmother ..she will not harm them . or will not tell any thing against u ....
@moneytree (188)
• India
7 Dec 06
Hi there! Please dont get me wrong for being a little to direct, but what on earth are you trying to say, I understand that you dont like her a bit and she is not worth it, So why on earth are you expecting something from her? Never expect anything from anyone thats when you will never feel hurt or sad. As for your hubby i think he is tring to make attempts to change the way his mom feels about the kids and people who do not give up never fail.