my family wont speak to me because I couldnt keep my troubled niece:

United States
December 8, 2006 9:18am CST
None of my family will speak to me because I was unable to handle my troubled niece. All failed now they are turning the silent treatment on for me.. How do you approach such treatment? Should I make efforts to write them or call them or should I wait to see if they will get over their disappointment in me?
2 people like this
25 responses
• United States
8 Dec 06
Thats a shame. It should not be your responsability to take of her to begin with. If her parents are not around and why aren't they,then whoever was given legal rsponsibility should. If you need help with her than family should of helped you. evidentally they didn't want to be bothered either or else they wouldn't be mad at you,if anything they should be mad at themselves for treating you the way that they are. They i think need to apologize to you. do not feel guilty,as long as you did the best that you could,kids have their own mind and think they know everything.
3 people like this
• United States
8 Dec 06
It is ..I think they felt since I spend much time praying I would be able to wave some type of magic wand over the teen and she would be perfect..She needs help..but even I cant produce what she needs..I am last in line for her ..I am praying and hurting for her everyday..I worry about what will becomce of her. I am sure worrying accomplishes nothing so I should simply pray. Thanks for your support ..It is awful to receive such treatment during the holidays ..it really brings me down!
@sabrinam (1204)
• United States
8 Dec 06
Her mother should've taken better care of her and it isn't your fault that she couldn't. Don't let them make you feel guilty for HER failure with her child. That girl wasn't your responsibility, you've handled your own, so let them get over it, you didn't owe them anything. They're probably just mad because she's back with the people who really are responsible for her. I get so ticked off at people that don't take care of their own responsibilities in life.
2 people like this
• United States
8 Dec 06
The child was not with her mother but with her father who has several time had other mother figures. She has a very low self esteem and uncontrollable anger.. I know I thought love could extinguish the burning flames in her but it simply could not. And my family is blaming me and blocking me out of their lives for trying ..I was last in line..I wonder if each one of them experienced what they are now doing to me?
@beckyomg1 (6759)
• United States
8 Dec 06
i dont think that they should just turn on you. i would maybe try to call them first and see why they are treating only you this way.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Dec 06
They wont speak to me ..I send emails ..no one answers..It is safer first inaudibly..I think..and they don't answer any of them.
1 person likes this
@beckyomg1 (6759)
• United States
8 Dec 06
when you send the emails do you ask for a read reciept just to see if they had read them? just wondering, how far away do they live if not far have you tried face to face?
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Dec 06
Over 600 miles..I spent over 600 dollars on my niece driving there and back home here to pick her up so she wouldnt be on bus alone.. I dont think they realize I have emptied my little savings and gave all I had to try to help..not one thank you ..Only blame!
1 person likes this
@MySpot (2602)
• United States
8 Dec 06
That is mean and unfair... Is your niece's parents also being ignored for abandoning her in the first place? Why is it that YOU are expected to step up when none of them are doing what they are requiring of you? I would just let them know that you are equally disappointed in them for holding you responsible and treating you unfairly. Maybe you could remind them that they could take responsibility of her, or at least consider it, before passing judgement on you.
• United States
8 Dec 06
Niece's parents were those who asked me to try ..and they are the one's sending such hateful silent treatment..My mom wont talk to me..even though she too had the teen with her and called for help of the local police. The teens mother and grandmother had her and both returned her to her father.. The teen claims to be deathly afraid of "daddy" but begs to go back all the time I merely had her 10 days and lost so much.. I wouldnt mind the loss if there was some sign of gratitude I emptied my savings..and for what..to be ostricized and kicked out the the family circle?
• United States
9 Dec 06
You should call all of them and ask if they can watch your niece for a long weekend. Lets see if they can handle her
• United States
9 Dec 06
They "all" had their try .I was the last one to resort too.. Her father cannot handle her .and her mother who is separated from her father tried. My mother tried..she is so very ill .. and the little girl carried on too.. Everyone who has had her experienced the same thing..
• United States
9 Dec 06
There frustrated and they put the blame on you becaue they have n one else to blame
@msqtech (15226)
• United States
11 Dec 06
Well I think you should just give it some time they will realize that it wasnt your fault. Or that they are wrong
• United States
11 Dec 06
ok i will try this ..thanks for the advise.
@kgwat70 (13396)
• United States
9 Dec 06
What happened with taking care of your niece? That is not right for your family to not speak to you. You tried your best and did what you could to help your niece, right? I don't know what the situation with your niece is but I am sure you did the best you can and they should not blame you. Have they tried taking care of your niece? I would try talking to them but if they do not answer, then give them some time.
• United States
9 Dec 06
Everyone has tried to help my niece..If it were asked I would say there is some very serious abuse going on where she lives and no one will be able to handle her till someone investigates the household where she lives.
@simyss (125)
• Singapore
9 Dec 06
As you said, it's your niece and you are not the mother so it isn't the responsibility of you to handle your troubled niece. It's your niece who deserves the silent treatment to me.
• United States
9 Dec 06
I dont believe in giving the "silent treatment" it is cruel and heartless..in my opinion.
@vanities (11376)
• Davao, Philippines
9 Dec 06
the only thing you could do is to communicate with them and explain fully well that you have really exerted more effort to try to disciplined your niece thru counselling but to no avail and useless..maybe by this time they will understand u
• United States
9 Dec 06
Everyone has at one time tried to tell my brother his child needs help.. He wont do it..And personally I think there is a reason..as there are reasons this child has problems and bringing her to counseling will probably reveal that the home she is in is very disfunctional..There are things I probably don't know happened..It is evident..that violence is the method of handling things in that home.. By the way this young girl responds to correction ..
@signum (547)
• Australia
9 Dec 06
Let me make sure i got this right. Your Niece's parents are being hateful and silent because you cannot give THEIR child the help she needs? Now I find that hypocrytical and unfair. Are they really worth getting upset over if they are going to treat you like this?? I know they are your family, I know you love them dearly, but this whole situation is unfair on you. Look after yourself, don't try to make the rest of your family happy when they are not doing anything to make you happy. They are ungreatful for everything you have tried to do. I say they'll come to their senses eventually, until then, let them go. :)
• United States
9 Dec 06
You got the picture right.. i live over 650 miles away from them..it took a great sacrifice and all my savings to even get over there and gather up the child.. I was assured that if she didnt make it with me ..they would make arrangements to have her sent back.. When the if popped up and she was showing serious signs of violence and disrespect they turned equally violent in words towards me and said that if I wanted to get rid of her ..I had to supply the funds..I have no more I am broke to this whole situation.. Anyway ..she got worse and worse..the daddy kept promising he would come get her ..one day ..next day..this only sparked flames in the little girls fire..She kept asking her daddy to say on the phone 'He wanted her' It has been a night mare ..Because I couldnt handle her and asked for outside help over here on myside due to depleted funds they are angry with me.. They made no effort to send money ..they simply wanted me to keep using mine.. They promised to send "50" to offset the 600 I spent ..that even didnt arrive..They claimed it was sent..but .. it never got here.
• United States
9 Dec 06
that bothers me i feel so bad for you. its not your fault. all you were doing was trying to help out family, them giving you at of all people the cold shoulder is inexcuseable
• United States
9 Dec 06
Yes cold shoulder and blame ..Blame for what could not be mine since she is 13 and should never been allowed to get so far without proper treatment..Blaming is easier than saying "thank you " for trying and we will pay her way back and help pay for any expenses you incurred with her..but no..blaming covers up all their responsability.. I forgive them..but it hurts very dearly!!!
@JBD189 (346)
• India
9 Dec 06
The choice is yours, of wnating to keep your troubled neice or not!! Why should they force you to do something against your will. Wait and watch, would be my advice
• United States
9 Dec 06
Yes it was my choice to try ..they all begged me and assured me that she would be nice perhaps if she was in a one on one situation..That didnt happened ..I asked if they come get her since I was too poor to afford the expenses again..All my savings are gone. That is what initiated all the conflict ..they expected me to drive all the way back down on my own money again..which I had depleted bringing her up..there was no help with money on their end.
• United States
9 Dec 06
Hon, you are doing all you can do at this point and that is turn it over to God through prayer. Pray for your family to, that they will come to the conclusion that you gave your all in this matter. I am so sorry that you are going through this, especially during the holidays. You have done the right thing and you will continue to do the right thing, because you are in God's hands. It will all work out the way He has planned. I know it is hard now. You will be in my prayers and thoughts, as will your neice and your family. God Bless You, hon.
• United States
9 Dec 06
I believe it is because it's holidays that it hurts so very much.. I love my family dearly and that is why originally I agreed to give this child a chance.. I drove over 1300 miles to get her..it was over 650 miles there and equally the same back. I spent over 400 dollars in hotel expenses ..of course I took a friend who promised if I did she would pay her share..that's another story. Love only is able to hurt.. because love is so deep .. I would have loved a thank you since no one helped pay any of the expenses and perhaps blaming me for lack of success was their way out of paying me for half of what I paid out for this child.. I clothed fed, and supplied her with more than what she needed..so I am praying ..for a miracle yet to happen this christmas!
@terita (280)
• Pakistan
9 Dec 06
Her mother should've taken better care of her and it isn't your fault that she couldn't. Don't let them make you feel guilty for HER failure with her child. That girl wasn't your responsibility, you've handled your own, so let them get over it, you didn't owe them anything. They're probably just mad because she's back with the people who really are responsible for her.
• United States
9 Dec 06
I believe you hit the right answer here. I believe they are mad because they tried and failed and looked up to me and thought I had some sort of magic wand to wave over her.. She has had 13 years of no treatment for her problems..And I fear that each year she goes without treatment she will grow more and more dangerous to herself and others.
• United States
9 Dec 06
wait it out and then approach them about it.
• United States
9 Dec 06
Will try.. waiting is fine. I can't deny, however, how it makes me feel .. I am human and part of our human make-up is our emotions.!
• United States
9 Dec 06
I think you should tell your family the three C's Can't cure Can't cause Can't control A troubled child needs more than an aunt that prays. A child needs guidance, counseling, and structure. Then again, maybe you should apply the three C's to your family and their attitude. Think maybe that might work?
• United States
9 Dec 06
I have been trying the 3 c's ..I am out here in West Virginia they are out there in Wisconsin..all my efforts to help cost me dearly ..I am broke and because my paycheck happened to be late this weekend in the red in my bank account all because of this situation.. It costs more than tears ..+
@emarie (5454)
• United States
9 Dec 06
well, you're not her mother, and your family should know that you've tried. a troubled teen can't be cured by just one person, it takes the entire family to help...they should be dissapointed in themselves not you. basiclly if they want to be imature and give you the silent treatment then let them. there's nothing you really can do, just let them go and they'll hopfully stop.
• United States
9 Dec 06
I know this and it should be consoling but as you know when family is involved there is something much deep when it comes to pain.. Friends and even strangers acting this way is much easier to cope with then family members ostricizing you for something you had no control over.
@ktbros (16)
• India
9 Dec 06
Try asking them for giving you another chance, tell them you might have missed out something that you won't miss this time and will be able to handle the situation!!!!! ALL THE BEST
• United States
9 Dec 06
Sorry I will not put myself in that situation again.. My niece has serious problems which has shaken me up from head to toe. I hid all sharp objects in my house; I was so afraid of her!
@pookie92 (1714)
• United States
9 Dec 06
why should they be mad at you, at least you tried. Let them cool off, maybe someone else can handle her. You did your best, I'm sure, why did they expect you to take her anyhow?
• United States
9 Dec 06
They thought because I go to church daily that perhaps ? I could work some kind of miracle everyone else failed to do. They put some kind of expectations on me since I do go to Church and have a clean life. .She rebelled against me as she did everyone else.
@Metallion (2230)
• United States
9 Dec 06
Where did your niece go when you couldn't handle her? Did she go to another family member, or did she go to a group home for teens or something like that. If she stayed with family I don't see any reason for them to be mad at you, they should be mad at her mother.
• United States
9 Dec 06
After causing much disturbance and my house and refusing to listen and my contacting local authorities..she returned home after much fuss.. That is why my family is upset..that I returned her home..They refused to come get her.. I couldnt handle her so I asked for help on myside.. I am broke from having her come here and had no money to send her back..since I am single and live on the income I make myself.