Mind Reading Powers Come forth!
December 10, 2006 5:14pm CST
here's what i ended up writing in my journal: "sometimes I ask myself “am I really okay?” “am I wishing to meet her again so that we can be together?” or is it that I want to really tell her that I AM okay…? … I can’t really tell, it fluctuates in one way on some occasions and the other in other days… like right now… I sit silently on my seat and think about “why am I this person who keeps it inside? a person who wasn’t honest with his feelings?... why was I like that?” Karen wanted to give up on me when she returned I guess, but didn’t want to just say “I’m going out with Gordon so I have to stop seeing you”… now she has the chance to move away from me… now she’s free… and I want to take it from her… what should I do? should I still meet her if I still feel like this?... must I take her happiness away for me to be relieved?... I dunno… or maybe when she came back she thot of me as a friend… it was nothing more… asked me to go out cuz there was no one else to ask probably… or maybe she thot I didn’t like her so she decided to call me out as a friend… but I know for a fact that she did like me… she told me herself…. but that was a while ago and I’ll never have a second chance at it again… this one situation already defies one of my beliefs that “it’s never too late to do something about it”… in school, there was always a second chance to do better on the next test or something to look forward to improve on… if only…. if only… I was honest with my feelings…. sooner…. it’s like walking back on memory lane… down the rabbit hole and remembering the significance of everything that was there… god!! the memories… I tried to forget but how can u forget something that u find is the most cherished memory and meant so much… I tried to forget… but I don’t think I should meet her like this… on some days I just wonder how she’s doing in terms of health and studies… I want to wish her the best of luck and mess up her hair again… treating her like a kid sister…lol… but what I hate most of all is how she tries to avoid me so that forgetting her is easier… but she doesn’t know that doing that makes me think of her even more…. worry more about her.. if I’m part of her time and energy to avoid me… it makes me feel guilty … it makes me feel worse… does she know that??? does she know how much I miss her?... " i have a feeling tho if i do ask her out to talk... most likely she'll decline and tell me to move on... even if i just wanted to settle this and tell her to stop the avoiding and just ignore me as if i'm a stranger... at least that way i'll feel a bit better at ease... is this what losing love is like? ... getting pummelled... getting beaten up and left for dead... leaving the corpse dead... and to be forever forgotten... ? ... i thot of so many ways... if i decided to meet her: - it'll never be what it used to be - she'll continuously be guilty even when i do forgive her - may even feel forced to accompany me and think of it as a form of punishment and taking her freedom from her... her happiness if i try to leave things as they are: - i'll never have the chance to tell her that i forgive her - always be at an uneasy state to continuously think of her - she'll always have to avoid me and think of those memories as an unpleasant feeling - tell herself that she's hurt someone terribly - we'll always be wondering what the other is thinking & feeling been trying to decide: - been trying to forget her... these past 4 months... and i still think of her in every one of those days - i'd be continually have new perspectives of thinking of her that would just pop into my mind or that i would think of in my dreams that i wouldn't in real-life - if i met her, i'd give her more of an option to tell her that i was okay to be friends again... and however she couldn't come up to me cuz she would never be sure if i was okay or not - having tried forgetting her which did not work out too well i want this to work out the best and i've tried thinking it over and over how to talk to her and what to say when i saw her or what i would do if we never could meet up again... i'm putting so many factors and considerations... but i keep thinking maybe there's more to it... there's always more... and i know that all i've been was a huge frustration on her and her work studies... so i was thinking once exams r done... i might have a chance to have a word with her... any words of advice?