So, I was snooping through my daughters diary as any concerned parent would do..

United States
December 12, 2006 8:17pm CST
And in it I find, an entry in which it said she was raped. It also said that she was scared to come to her father or myself. I don't know how to confront her without her knowing that I've been thumbing through her personal diary. But, this cannot go without confrontation and the conviction of whomever raped her. So, do you have any suggestions for a mother in need??
52 responses
• United States
14 Dec 06
This is a difficult thing to talk about! When I first started to read this discussion, I was kind of concerned that you were snooping through your daughter's things. But now I can see that their were good reasons for you to be looking...As a recent child (23 years old) I can say that this will be a difficult and sensitive thing to talk to your daughter about. It is good that youu're looking for help and asking advice before jumping to conclusions and down your daughter's throat. This I can say for sure: She is going to be very very very embarrassed, ashamed and at fault for this situation. You should try your best not to approach her dramatically, and make her feel like the situation is a very bad one. Because, in turn, she will feel that she is bad, and that it's her fault that you are so upset. As hard as it is, the best possible way to approach your daughter is to be objective, calm, and slightly emotionless. If you come to her hysterical, upset, scared and out of control she might not tell you the truth out of fear or concern for you. Read her body language and actions to know how you should respond. Obviously, if she is upset, comfort her. But, before that just try and have your daughter explain what has happened without getting too emotional or upset. It will hault her honesty. I hope this helped, I have had indirect experience with a similar situation in my family, and the mistakes I pointed out not to make were all made, the situation went veiled for years and caused long term damage. Basically, you need to first get the cold, truth of the situation and then deal with the emotional part from there.
@classy56 (2883)
• United States
13 Dec 06
I would come out ask ask her an tell her you read her diary an tell her that you are sorry for reading it.but that you are glad that you did..tell her you want to help her. but she needs to open up to you..an that you need to know who did this to her..she will thank you later.dont wait till it happens again
• United States
13 Dec 06
I say just go for it. This is a serious situation and you need to get to the bottom of it!
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Dec 06
I would tell her up front that you read her diary because you felt concerned and tell her that you need to discuss these things. I wouldn't care how mad she got. She needs to be tested. What if this guy has some sort of disease? Maybe go to her guidance counsler at school first and talk to him/her?
1 person likes this
@abg1988 (340)
• India
13 Dec 06
politely ask her what happened and how it happened. and try to find a solution for that
1 person likes this
• India
13 Dec 06
hey u need to talk to her in some wayand get the facts out.or else there might be serious problems.i hope u r successful.
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21588)
13 Dec 06
I think you need to try and coax it out of her in some way. Spend some time chatting to her, asking her how she's progressing with things in life,schooling, if she's still there, or her career, encouraging her to talk to you. She's ashamed... she thinks it's her fault she was raped, this being the reason, I'm sure, that she can't face up to you or her dad with her problem. So, a nice cosy mum to daughter chat about general areas of her life and she might begin to think that you can comfort her in her torment, which she must be suffering. You didn't state her age, which could make a lot of difference. For instance, has she been told about the birds and the bees, does she have friends she might confide in, or anything like that? I have the feeling she needs to be put at ease in some way, needs a few hugs and words of encouragement, and she needs to know (from you) that whatever happens, you are always going to be there to help her with her problems, without any exceptions. Maybe even tell her that you can't help noticing that she's changed, and ask if there's anything wrong. Maybe she won't tell you, but it's a start. I'm not sure what else to suggest. I have two boys, but I'm thinking more of when I was young and the relationship I had with my parents. There were some similar things I couldn't talk to them about. Good luck. I hope you get to the bottom of all this, but whatever you do, don't tell her you read her diary or you will lose every ounce of trust she ever had for you.
• United States
13 Dec 06
Thank you very much; I think I will do just that. I was just so over-whelmed by it, I hadn't a clue what to do. By the way, my daughter, Lauren, is 16.
• United States
13 Dec 06
I actually agree with this person's point of view. However, if your child doesn't open up soon, then you'll have to confront her. Tell her that you were worried so you checked. Its the best you can do. Hope you can get through to her. Good luck!
• India
13 Dec 06
i am very much supporting what the person above said ....also i am not encouraging those posts below me......do as the one above said ....its the correct procedure...or what u may call the best cure for ur daughters mind....
• Romania
13 Dec 06
you shouldn't check in your daughter diary!!! that is what I whan;t to say it to you.
• United States
13 Dec 06
Have you no sympathy whatsoever? What would have happened if she hadn't checked her daughter's diary? Her daughter would have just kept this secret. No, that is unacceptable. I agree with everyone else on here: You need to talk to her. She will probably be upset that she read your diary, but if she was raped this is something that needs to be sorted out. Did she say who was raped? It could be anyone, even a family member. Talk with your daughter, let her know you're there for her.
1 person likes this
• Ireland
21 Dec 06
If you go around snooping through your daughter's diary then no wonder she feels like she can't talk to you. My mother was the same and I still don't trust her. Anyway, you did it, you found out something and now you have to confront her but be prepared, she is going to be really mad at you and may not want to talk about it with you at all now. Regardless of this, you have to keep trying to talk to her because she needs help and support right now, the person who did this needs to be punished no matter what and your daughter may need counselling. She's also going to need some kind of medical care especially if there is a risk of disease. Just be there for her and support her but you have to find out the whole truth and get the situation sorted. The poor kid must be going through hell.
• United States
21 Dec 06
Again this is kind of a mirror comment to what i wrote earlier, but Diary's are a way for a teen to be an exobisionist. Say what you want but my friend and myself did this with the expectation of it being read. You also have to take into consideration that maybe what she is writing is fiction.... A friend of mine wanted to document loosing her virginity so she wrote down that a fellow classmate raped her at a party. The boy got into serious trouble and it was all consentual and she wrote it because she didn't want to get into trouble if her mom and dad found out. Diary's are kept as a way for teens to mark down milestones in their lives and to record their angry feelings towards their parents. That is all I ever kept in my diary is feelings and actions. If one wouldn't get me into trouble the other would and both did when my diary was read. I fully trust both of my parents with all my heart. I know that they did it to make sure that I wasn't headed down a destructive path and if I didn't want them to read it, then I wouldn't have written it. It will take a teen a long time to admit it but it's true.
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
14 Dec 06
You have reminded me of why I never kept a diary. Since you read the diary without her knowledge, your best bet is to probably be quiet and watch for signs of stress in her. Your admitting or revealing that you read her diary on, top of the rape, will be a double whammy that won't be easy for her to recover from. This CAN go on without anything more happening because it was HER information to begin with. You need to trust her ability to cope. You might start talking about birth congrol, if you haven't already, so that she isn't so concerned about how you might react to her being sexually active. If you can gently open the door that way, she may confide in you.
• United States
21 Dec 06
when i was a teenager, i kept a diary with the expectation that someone would snoop and read it. that's what diary's are for. why else write things down? It's not like you are going to pass it down to your kids so they can see the vengenous things you did in your youth. I knew every day that if I kept a journal I ran the risk of it being read, I guess that's why I wrote most of the things that i did in there. When it was read, it was no a huge shock and I got in trouble for some of the things i put in there but I have recovered and have a great relationship with my mom. Reading the diary is your way of protecting them. They write this stuff so it CAN be read.
@angeliamj (632)
• United States
13 Dec 06
Okay my opinion on this: first of all I am a mother and I would never read my child's diary. My mother did that to me and we ended up with a scarred relationship for a very long time. Even children deserve privacy and a parent's trust. Now on the note, that's it's too late, what's done is done, you need to find a way to takl to your daughter. Even if you have to start things out by sitting her down and telling her that she's been acting different, and make sure you reassure her over and over that you and her father are there for her. Be calm and patient with her and if after a bit of prompting her to talk to you it doesn't come up, you may have to go for an agressive approach. You need to be prepared for her to be angry, not just about your snooping and distrust, but the rape itself. She's going to need your understanding and not your judgements.
• United States
13 Dec 06
I agree with your statement, however, if you noticed an EXTREME difference in your child's behavior, wouldn't you be curious as to what was going on?
@pennycan2 (251)
• United States
13 Dec 06
You need to be upfront with her and tell her you know. it is more important for her to have help at this point than for her to trust you. our children don't need to be our friends, we need to be their protectors. my mom went through my diary, it is a right of passage as a teen. I also felt the way your daughter felt when I was raped, but had it not been for my family interviening, I would still be in a very bad situation. I was 18 when it happened to me and i was still to affraid to go to the police or my parents. alot of other factors weighed in for this but you have to take charge and tell her you know. she needs to take some course of action so this person who did it to her doesn't do it to someone else. help protect other innocent girls from becoming victims instead of being afraid that your daughter won't trust you. in time when she is more mature, she will come to realize that this was not a breach of confidence, but an act of great love. my heart and prayers are with you and your daughter. this is very traumatic to over come and she needs to over come it instead of remaining a victim.
• United States
13 Dec 06
i agree with you yeah you should talk to your daughter, let her know that you know what's going on and try to get her some help.
@soldenski (2504)
• United States
13 Dec 06
How long ago did she get raped? There may not be any evidence and it would be her word against his word. You could still get her counselling, even if the case never went to trail. She will need help and counselling should be provided. I would bring up a "story" about a girl who was raped. Look for her reaction and go from there. Just be there for her, and support her, in whatever she wants to do.
@Jahnya (142)
• United States
13 Dec 06
I agree with you. Tell her a story you heard on the news about a rape and see how she reacts. If she doesn't come out right away and tell you then let her know that if she ever needed to talk about anything like that she can come to you. It IS possible that she made it up, but you need to find out. Even if she made it up she still needs some guidance. I hope you can get to the bottom of this for both your sakes.
@micheller (1365)
• United States
13 Dec 06
with something serious like this you need to confront her about it. she may get mad at you but she needs help.
• Australia
13 Dec 06
completely agree this is too important to worry about your snooping just confront her and help her.
@nhtpscd (1418)
• Australia
21 Dec 06
I am having trouble with this one if a child is raped they show behavioral changes did you not see something was wrong? If she is showing signs use that as a way to bring the diary into the discussion. Then you can go to the police as she is a minor. (at least in Australia you can) Show the diary to the police.
21 Dec 06
This is a very personal subject but most people will confide in their friends, I know someone very close who told only close friends and didnt tell her parents for about a year afterwards. Arent you afraid that by coaxing it out of her you will only push her away further? Maybe you should try the you know you can tell me anything approach and just be there for her even more so without making it overly obvious.
• Canada
21 Dec 06
I think you need to try to convince her to tell you! Something as easy as bringing rape into the story, watching her facial expressions, and if something changes, confront her about it. So then you just act like a concerned parents rather than a snooping one.
@jolanda33 (720)
• Netherlands
21 Dec 06
first of all, tell her that you read her diary because you thougt there was something going on! give her an new diary with a lock and promise her you will never do it again if she promise you that whenever there is somthing going she will tell you, no matter what! and then let her talk first, and then try to make the right steps, going to the police, get help for her. maybe you can ask the police what to do? maybe they have specialised people for that kind of things hope you can work this out, and that your daughter wiil talk to you
@pacaveli (153)
• United States
14 Dec 06
wow thats pretty major her privacy isnt as important as immeadiately finding out who did it and pressing charges
@arlena040 (252)
• United States
14 Dec 06
honey forget about that diary ,yeah you broke her trust bye going into her diary and reading her personal information . but come on lets forget about that at the moment here . your daughter has been raped for christsake. i really think she won't be mad at you for being in her diary she might be relieved that mom knows someone hurt her. be a mom step up and say i know what happened to you and here for you and i am here to help you .i am sorry the fact you learned in her diary and it concerns you that she might be angry with you really bouthers me.i would be more concerned that my child had been raped and bring the person who raped her to justice forget the diary.
@dmanuel (411)
14 Dec 06
i think that best way to deal with this is talk to your daughter. well, i maybe wrong, but based on what you've written, it seems that you communication lines are not that open and obviously it's not expected of her to just rush in your room and tell everything. I think its good if both you try to do some bonding first, like you can watch movies together or go to the malls. you try to renew your relatinship and make sure that you earn her trust. you might be very emotional right now, i understand. but it takes time, for anybody, to discuss something as sensitive like this. but i know that you can do it. Pray. i'll do the same for you.