Have You Ever Witnessed The Death Of A Loved One?

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It has been nearly three years since my husband died and I never expected it to happen the way it did. Of course we usually arent prepared for things like that to start with. But he had lupus and heart disease and I guess I somehow expected he would die peacefully in a hospital after surgery or chemo or something. But early one fateful cold winter morning,my life was about to be forever changed. When my husband woke me and told me he was sick,neither one of us had any clue he was having a massive heart attack. The signs werent like those of the ones he had in the past. He wouldnt make it long enough for the ambulance to arrive,and I am left with the memory of trying to save him and failing. But what was to come was the hardest part. I remember feeling so numb and empty inside. And I know this sounds bad, but I couldnt help but think "why?" when there were so many more people that could be taken from this world, why my husband? and why now? I have two kids and a home and 4 acres of land with nobody to help me. The first few weeks after the funeral I felt like I was in a daze. I didnt want to be awake at the time of morning he died because I could feel his presence in my room. It has been really hard and even after three years,it doesnt take much for tears to start falling.I dont think you ever get over something like this,or get past it.It will take alot more time I guess.