It's me or the step kids!

United States
January 14, 2007 11:38am CST
I am in a relationship with a lady that has 2 kids from a previous marriage. I met her when the kids were young but now they are teenagers. They are always getting into trouble and now it's starting to put a strain on our relationship. My fiance and I don't see eye to eye on most of the situations they get in and most of our arguments are over them. I love her dearly but the kids are starting to take a toll on me. Should I leave or am I being selfish?
2 people like this
11 responses
• United States
15 Jan 07
I think it comes down to how much you love this woman. Do you love her enough that you can handle living with the step kids? I can understand being frustrated, but hopefully the two of you can work things out. I have 3 boys, we're not at the teen years yet but I'm not looing forward to them! lol.
• United States
15 Jan 07
Thanks for the comment and I really love here dearly. Good luck with the teen years. They will be interesting for sure.
@celray (141)
• United States
14 Jan 07
I totally understand you, me and my husband got together 11 years ago we each have 3 small children, they are teenagers now all 6 of them and they are giving us the time of our lives, there have been times when i also feel like taking off, me and my husband had never agreed on dicipline and that has put a strain in our marriage, and all we ever argue about has been about the kids, but after all this time together i am not going to throw everything away so we have decided that he will deal with his kids when it comes to dicipline and i will deal with mines,and let me tell you after all this years of raising this kids it is not easy to step back, but in our case we have to do it this way, think about this they are teens , soon they will be adults and on their way and you will still have your wife, i think the best think you can do is to let her deal with them and if she needs your help she will ask for it.
• United States
15 Jan 07
It's good to hear from someone that can relate.
@moonmage (149)
• United States
22 Jan 07
This is my opinion because my brother was in a similar situation: If she is not willing to give you the role of another parent and willing to work with you in regards to discipline, then you're going to have nothing but heartache out of it until the kids turn eighteen and you make them set out on their own. Really look at what you are getting into and talk it out with her. I mean, you're not even married yet and it's already causing problems. It's only going to get worse because it's going to be happening in your home and you should have some right to say what does or doesn't go on. I have to agree, you don't have the right ask her to choose between you and the kids. However, you have the right to say what you expect out of the situation after you get married and if she doesn't agree, then perhaps she needs to make another decision because you shouldn't have to tolerate their bad behavior if their mother won't discipline them properly or work with you to come up with a resolution you both can agree on.
• United States
21 Jan 07
It depends on how much this relationshipe with your signifigant other means to you and if you truly care for her children. We were all teenagers to at one time. It's not easy being a teen. If your in for the long haul than It would maybe be a good idea to sit down with her and tell her that your very frustrated, and the two of you need to form an agreement of rules for the children and that both of you need to back each other up.
@carolynpb (647)
• United States
19 Jan 07
I have seen this lots of times. I think that if your fiance' loves you that you should have as much say in what is going on with her kids, as long as it's reasonable. A relationship can not work if she treats you like you have no say in what her kids do. If she can't do that then you don't have a good relationship with her. Her kids will see that she goes over your head or doesn't want to include you in what they are doing and how to handle it and they will use that to get what they want or to pit you agaisnt each other. I wouldn't keep putting up with that. I would sit her down and say, "if we are to share a life together including your kids then you need to respect what I have to say about the things they do and the consequences of them. If you can't do that then we have no future together." You are NOT being selfish. You are suppose to be a team. Doesn't sound like she wants you on that team. Good luck.
@minerc (1373)
• United States
19 Jan 07
We have a blended family as well, I have 2 son's and he has 2 daughters, I am a stay at home mom so I deal with alot of the issues the kids have but when I have talked to the kids about something, I always tell my husband, the 2nd time he gets involved and it usually works out I don't say or do anything else with the problem. With My Son's he does the same thing, we always tell each other what is going on and ask for each others opinions if he thinks I handled it wrong he will discuss it with me then bring the kids in and tell the kids I was right in the way it was handled, then he will add what he thought I was wrong on without letting them know that I was wrong or that he disagreed, once the kids see that they can play one against the other they do and it gets to much, Don't let them win, Back away and Let her deal with the kids and when she needs you to step in get her opinion on how she would like you to do so that way theres no argument afterward. They will be out of the home before you know it just be patient.
@tildy12 (760)
• United States
19 Jan 07
Hi Im sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time dealing with your step kids for whatever reasons.But you can't ask a Mother to make a decision to choose a Man or her kids .There are her kids they came from her body and If I were her I would choose my kids.With that being said I hope that the situations gets better..
@domenyag (1273)
• Philippines
19 Jan 07
you talk to both of your wife and the kids!!! talk about the problem, and i am sure solutions will come out after having communicating with it
• United States
19 Jan 07
Well you cant ask her to chose. It would hopefully be her kids over you. I would try to stick it out, since they will only be there until theycan move out. Talk to your lady.
@bigedshult1 (1613)
• United States
18 Jan 07
you not being selfish you are being a dad becouse you chare for them or you woud lett them do what ever thay want to do and not say anthing about it I know haw hard it is to rase step kids I had 3 of them it is just hard hot to say anthing to them becous there mother may think that you are trying to be the bost and that is her job but hang in there after they get a littel older then they will love you for ever
• Philippines
17 Jan 07
if you truly love your fiance' you have to learn to love & accept her step kids too even if they show an unliking to you. maybe they are just being possessive at first because they want to make sure their mom to be happy w/ the person he will be with. try to reach out to the kids & show them your sincerity & purest intentions to their mom & to them. show them love & affection too. in time, everything will be okay with all of you. good luck!