How we talk to our children when they're in trouble...

Hi imadriscoll. Thank you for introducing this interesting topic. I've raised 3 children, and, have learned that parenting is often trial and error - and, knowing the child's progress in individual logic is important. How did the child act when he made the statement? With a smile? Or, more somber, and shy? Of course we should never use name calling or negative intonation when talking to our children. I've learned to ask questions. "Why did you do that,?" for example. And, my famous follow up is "And?" "What if so and so did that to you?" "Would you like to be treated that way? Or have someone do that to your things?" Perhaps, we should walk them through as we talk to them about what they did or how they acted, to get THEM to understand the difference between right and wrong? Example: (My girls were a year apart, ages 4 and 5 at the time.) Mooooooooooom! She hit me! I went to her sister and asked, "Why did you hit her?" She said, "Because she took my ...." I said, "Ok, how would you feel if she hit you?" "I would feel sad, and cry.".... Anyway, after sitting the two of them down, and guiding them into politely asking and sharing, they understood. For the next 20 minutes, anyway. LOL It takes time, that's all. And, we must realize the wonder of new little minds.

We try to do the exact same thing. Our littlest one who is two, when she gets in trouble she will cry out... "I am naughty..." And we always correct her, no you are not naughty you were just being naughty. And after her time out we always tell her that she is a good girl and that we love them. I do think that you need to becareful about what we say around kids. They are little sponges and smart that we give them credit for. We can not tell them the are bad because I really do believe that if they hear that over and over they will end up that way. Like wise, if you constantly tell them that they are good and wonderful, you end up running the risk of having a conceded child. So, you need a mix of critisism and praise, and of course there is no right amount of either. You just have to play it as you see it and hope that you are doing the right thing. Ah, parenting who knew it would be this easy... LOL

Yes I agree, I have always felt children pick up on what adults say about them or to them. When I was growing up the whole world chastised and embarrassed their children, even my Mother, to make their children behave. What this did is build up all kinds of complexes for children. One day I was talking to a friend of mine about one of the little boys I was babysitting. I was telling her how wonderful he was and sweet, polite, well mannered and everything positive about him. I had no idea he was within earshot of my conversation. Later that day he told me with a BIG smile, he heard what I had said about him to my friend. I was a little embarrased that I had no idea he heard me, but I was thrilled that I had said nothing but good things about him. It made his day. I still have contact with this child who is now 22 and he still remembers those kinds things I expressed to a friend over the phone. My point being, is if you are going to say anything about a child please let it be positive, you never know who is listening or how it will affect them later in like. He is still a GREAT kid!

I have to say, as a parent I couldn't agree more. I also have to admit that I've found myself saying things out of anger or whatever that later I realized how much it hurt one of my children. My son in particular is the one that tends to misbehave. He's come to me and commented that I've said this or that and I've realized that he's right and how much it must have hurt. I've since changed my ways and before I speak or lash out I stop and say it in my head first and see if it is something that will hurt them. I have to say that often it could be done without even realizing the damage you're doing. I'm guilty of it for sure!

Your kid was probably being sarcastic. I think it is understandable that you get to say to your kid that he is bad. Parenting is not easy and you should give yourself a break.

I could not agree with you more. My husband and I never called names not at eachother and not at the kids. i had 5 boys that I always tried to talk to before any punishment. What they did was bad, they were not bad. I would say I did not like what they did , not that I didnt' like them. You have to be careful with their tiny egos while you are teaching them right from wrong

I get very mad when my kids don't do what they were asked to do. So I go to my room and count backwards from 50 and then talk to them asking why they didn't do what they were asked to do. Then I think about the punishment and they get told their punishment before they go to bed that night.

I believe it is VERY important to make sure the child understands the difference between separating the child from the act.Sometimes we as adults forget to do the same.There is a BIG difference between saying "that was a bad choice" and "you are bad for doing this". I also believe by keeping open a line of communication with the child,the child will share more with the parents and thus help with possible future problems.

I think you're right. I've actually heard somewhere that you're not supposed to tell your child they're "bad". It is hard at times to control the urge though.

As hard as it is, you really should think before you talk to your kids when they make you mad. Its hard to stop and think, but I think parents should definitly take a different approach to verbally reprimanding their kids. LUckily I was a headstrong confident child and nothing my parents said affected me. If they said I was good for nothing, I'd say "no I'm not, I'll prove you wrong" But rather than yelling and telling a kid everything they are doing wrong, I think it's better to ask the kid what they did wrong, what they could do differently next time, why they think it makes you upset, etc etc.

Wow, That would of broke my heart too, I do agree with you though that kind of stuff sticks with kids even as they get older.You can not bash your child, Call them names, Tell htem how bad they are and hope that they do good in school, Their self esteem will go down and they will wont care about anything cause they will have been told all the time im bad, or since i do bad things my mom or dad is mad at me , or my parents dont love me type thing. Even when your child is being bad let them know that what they DiD wasnt a good thing.You dont want to cause self esteem issues later in life or them rebelling cause Mom or Dad always said i was bad. Let them know their not bad but what they did was bad.

To love the sinner but hate the sin is a very important teaching. We are all "bad" but we can be redeemed through the love and sacrifice of our Lord.

We not only need to be careful what we say but also how we act and react when it comes to our Children. I think we learn from our mistakes that we make while we are raising kids. I am now a grandparent. Both our daughters are raised and married. Our odest daughter has 2 toddlers of her own now. She often calls and asks for my adivce on her kids. That makes me feel good. We were strict on our children. We tried to teach them values. I dont think we really know if we are dong a good job raising them till they are already on their own. We always told the girls that they could be anything they wanted to be. WE always bragged on them when they did good and disiplined them when they did bad. WE made a point to tell them that they were beautiful and smart. I am proud of the ways my girls turned out. They both went to college and made top grades. I now realize that they became what we told them they were when they were small. Parents can and do make all the difference. They both know they are capable of doing anything that they set their minds on doing.

My opinion, as a single mother of two, aged 4 and almost 7, is that it is critical to think before you speak. My children act out on a regular basis to see how far they can push, and during those times I try to tell them, I love you, but I don't like the way you are behaving at all. They seem to understand that I am there for them, but will not tolerate their behaviour that way. When talking to older children, especially in their teenage years, you have to be extra careful not to damage their self image. So many other factors are playing into the way they view themselves, magazines saying BE SKINNY! tv saying Be Beautiful and explore your sexuality! ...all of this plays into what they will see themselves as. Always say something positive to them and try not to be overly negative. Explain that they are a beautiful and wonderful person, name all of their good points, and let them know they are loved. My aunt raised 3 boys and they are wonderful men now. She always respected them, but they knew who was the parental figure.

yes it's true.....baby mind is totally fresh and empty...so it will follow each and every action of perents. if perents insult them frequently ;then kids take this as a truth... perent should take exteme care while talking with their kids..i think perents should tell them about the bad things behind their mistake rather than scolding them!! if child understand the mistake i am sure that child willn't repeat it!!

this reminds me of the time i took my son to the zoo and i was looking at the piggies and i called to my son come look at the pigs and he said no they are stinky pigs they pee too much well i had been trying to teach him not to pee the bed and obviously said the wrong thing to him so yes we need to be careful what we say they take these things literally

I agree that it's very important to guide children, and not tear them down. I was the 'black sheep' in my family. I was the oldest of 5 and a Taurus. If there was trouble, I was sure to find it. My mother was often not happy with the decisions I made, but she never told me I was stupid. She never put me down as a person. She always made it very clear that it was my actions she was dissappointed in and not me as a person. She would remind me of my potential, and try to push me towards positive things, instead of focussing on the bad.

that is so true. if you keep on telling your child that he's the bad one, sure he'll keep that in his mind as the child grows up, and believes that he's really bad. however,raising them in a positive "pet peeves" like telling them and others how smart they are will sure create more positive outlook in his growing years.

just think like them, first thing you must not do is to get angry with them every tine they nake nistake it prevent them from being closed to you, they will feel scared to tel the problem they have , they will assuming that you will be mad at them if they told you what is the froblem, so give them solutions without any violence or harash word, isteda of that guide them and encourage them to solve their problem

Yes, that is absolutely true: probably the worst thing one can do to a child is to say that thay are bad, etc. Of course, when they DO something bad, you have to explain it to them why was it bad, in a way that they can learn from it.