Why are moms so hard on their daughters?
By sylviekitty
@sylviekitty (2083)
United States
January 17, 2007 8:50am CST
I never got along with my mother. Didn't matter if I was a little kid, a teen, or an adult- we have just never gotten along. I've had my fair share of dirty looks from her, back-handed comments (including how my college education was a waste of time), even had her spread lies about me to total strangers. I don't know if I ever did anything to make her proud of me.. and frankly, at this point in my life, I don't know if I even care.
Now I'm watching somebody in my husband's family, raising her two daughters. They're only a couple years apart, both about to enter their teenage years. The youngest seems the obvious favorite. I almost never hear an unkind word uttered against her. The oldest, it's like her mother can't stand her. And sure, I'm not around her all the time, but I don't see her as being an unruly kid. By all accounts, she works hard in school, she's very polite, etc.. and yet her mother talks down to her about her weight, about getting B's in school, and says to her face that she can't wait for her to move out of the house!
I know this is happening to other people. I just have to wonder why mothers do this to their kids? To their daughters, especially? Aren't we supposed to be raising, strong, emotionally secure young women? I'm not a perfect mom, but I sure hope that I do not continue the cycle my mother has set, and passed on this behavior and these attitudes to my daughter.
8 people like this
79 responses
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
17 Jan 07
I don't ever remember my mother talking down to me, thank goodness. She was always supportive of me even when I was in my disobedient teen years. And she has actually been dealing with depression most of her life.
I believe that mothers do tend to do to their children what they had done to them as a child; but you are a strong, courageous woman and you have good insight. This will not happen to you.
I really wish that women who repeat the cycle of their mother's could get some kind of help. We need to love our children unconditionally and not show any favoritism but it does seem to be the way of the world now.
2 people like this
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
17 Jan 07
To be honest, I was afraid to have a daughter- even though I had her name planned for years before I was ever married. I was worried that if I had a daughter, we'd have a bad relationship like the kind my mom and I have. But it's amazing to me how fierce the love is I have for my little girl. I tell her every day how special she is to me, and how much I love her. How no matter what she may do that I might not like, I will never stop loving her. I don't remember those types of conversations with my own mom.. and maybe that's because those conversations didn't come naturally for her (she wasn't planning to have me in the first place). But I just look at my kiddo sometimes and it's just overwhelming how much I feel for her.
@dangerdvd (320)
• Italy
17 Jan 07
you are really lucky! i have a lot of problme with my mom!
1 person likes this
@jayparikh (153)
• India
17 Jan 07
well my mom has been really nice to me...some mothers scold their childs so that they do not do the same mistakes again and again in their life.....nut it could happen that some moms put it very tough on their child and then the child just does not get along with their mother..
1 person likes this
@wavelander (1526)
• Portugal
17 Jan 07
That it's true! I try not think when my sons reach the age of dating or going out at night! lol
1 person likes this
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
17 Jan 07
Are you a woman? Are you a mother? If you are neither, then I don't see how you can understand what you are talking about. Men can be just as hard on their sons as some women are on their daughters.
1 person likes this
@inflamation (866)
• Pakistan
17 Jan 07
Yes. I agree with your statement. Mothers scold because their child should not walk on a wrong path and you will realise when you all will be matured those who are blaming their mothers.
1 person likes this
@mnflower (1299)
• United States
17 Jan 07
Me and my mother had problems just as yours and it took us years to build a relationship back up, it is not too late for you to go to your mother and ask her why she did this you may be surprised of her answer...Alot of times depression and low self esteem is the answer before they come up with that depression is curable...I don't believe this is a trait that carries on from mother to daughter, just cause your mom treated you that way doesn't mean your going to do that to your child..I think you both need to go to counseling or at least sit and talk about it if it is bothering you still today you will be amazed what a change it will do to finally have a mother that will stick by your side...believe me I went 20 years not even talking to my mother now she is my best friend...
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
17 Jan 07
I talk to my mom on occasion, when necessary. And she sends stuff to the kids now and then, like for birthdays. I won't tell my kids how horrible she was to me growing up, because that wouldn't be fair to my mother or to them. However, my mom is the type of person who found out I was molested, and acted like I was making it up or something.. we were all in counseling, and when the counselor asked her what she had to say in response to what happened to me, my mother basically shrugged her shoulders and said nothing. This isn't the type of person who I want to stick by my side. Sad, perhaps.. but that's just the way it is.
1 person likes this
@camille101 (1025)
• United Arab Emirates
17 Jan 07
The sad truth is there are parents like that, not only mothers but fathers too. I'm just very thankful that my parents are both very supportive of us, and really have reared us as lovingly as they can. We are 11 siblings in the family and yet they have treated as as fairly as they can. Give us the equal chance to grow and succeed in life. Unfortunately my father had passed away at a young age. Eventhough my mother was left to take care all of the children, she had never ceases to prove how she loves us all. She is a very kind woman, with all the burdens on her shoulder, she might have said something hurtful to us before but we understand her because she only wants the best for us. I love my mother dearly.
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
17 Jan 07
I'm so sorry about your dad, but it sounds like you have a wonderful mother. That was a lot of work for her to care for 11 children! But it sounds like she did her job well. :)
1 person likes this
@NEEENU (6)
• India
17 Jan 07
Usually moms are hard to daughters, but dad is very friendly.It may opposite in the case of sons, mother is closer to sons and dad is very strict to them. Dad is free to daughters they are very friendly towards daughters. If mom wont be strict we girls used to utilse the maximum. So in that case there is nothing to amaze. But mom cares girls more than father. We wont understand that but they loves more.We can say every thing to our mom but to our dad their are restrictions. But our mom manages our house and all so she knows how to manage us. As we are the one who used to makes problems. So she has the right to be strict with us
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
17 Jan 07
I think that's great. :) My husband really lucked out with his mom. And most of his siblings are very close to her. I'm sure she did her share of yelling and spanking or whatever.. teaching them right from wrong. But she also obviously got their respect. And they speak very highly of her. She's a great person.
1 person likes this
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
17 Jan 07
I think a mother can be worried about her daughter without treating them like trash, don't you? :) Of course not all moms are like that, thank goodness!
1 person likes this
@pyadiki (306)
• India
18 Jan 07
moms are never hard woth thier children but she only tries to tach some good mannerse and some good lessons to her children so that her children will never be in any serious problem and they will be safe, because even i am mom for my sunny who is just 3 years old and i really love him and i really do care about him a lot and so only i have to hit him some times because he is very naughty and does not listen tom me at all , but i know that i did that becasue of his wellfare so i think that moms are not at all hard but some times they have to pretent to be hard. thank u.
@subha12 (18441)
• India
18 Jan 07
My mother is very supportive all along. But i have noticed the problem u faced in some other family. it is told may may some good qualities of the daughters make the mother jealous. She somehow feels jealous and so behave rudely. But mothers shouldbe like friends to their daughters.
1 person likes this
@aroraasr (428)
• India
18 Jan 07
Mothers need to be hard especially with their daughters but at the same time they should be friendly too. As my mom was my best friend though she also used to scold me on certain issues but I always understood that this might be right for my future as parents are the one who can never think bad for you.
@sri2694 (17)
• India
18 Jan 07
no no definetely not. All the moms will never be crude to thier daughters of course some of them may be like this. My mom is my best friend. Though i am a fatherless girl from when i am just 6 years old , she used to treat me as well as my sister as her friend. but she is a tough mother to my brothers. we used to talk and discuss everything including my teen age problems and also that age happy moments too. She mingle with us rather than giving advice. that's why we both are in a good family now .As a mother i too wish to be like her , but unfortunately i don't have female kutties. so all mothers are not like that hard .
1 person likes this
@chabby (8)
• India
18 Jan 07
ya gals are most important to a family ..they r responsible for getting goog name and also bad name to a family ...this is one reason
and other is now a days there is no failth in public (boys) One is responsible for any harm to gals in the society....
1 person likes this
@manoj_dabs (100)
• India
17 Jan 07
i dont think so.some moms may be hard with their daughters but not all.
1 person likes this
@sylviekitty (2083)
• United States
17 Jan 07
I don't think all moms are hard on their daughters. And even if they were- even if it were to help them avoid the same mistakes they made when they were younger- they don't all try to destroy their daughter's self-confidence in the process.
1 person likes this
@Strugglin (67)
• United States
17 Jan 07
i think moms are hard on there daughters because they don't want them to make the same mistakes they made. i think it goes for all parents with there kids.
1 person likes this
@granpasbluigrl (67)
• United States
17 Jan 07
I know what your talking about. Sometimes I feel like I have dissapointed her in some way. We used to be a lot closer. But she won't stop nagging me about my weight.. my laundry, my car, my job, my husband, my money, my hair... key work being... MY!! It's my life. So chill out! I haven't had any children of my ownyet. But I will defintley be taking a different approch to things.
@smints8985 (1594)
• United States
17 Jan 07
Whoa.. It's really unfortunate of those kids having their own parents look down at them, I should probably be thankful that my mom treats me like her friend, I can tell her stuff and she'd give advices and we can even joke around like we're not mother and daughter, she's not very very strict but she has her limitations and the good thing is that I know where the fine line between fun and respect comes.
Maybe in situations like that, the mom just had too much expectations for her daughter and she has kind of imagined how her daughter will turn out and it ends up not going that way, the disappointment then turns into dismay and eventually it will show on how she treats her. Which of course is very wrong, parents should be able to accept their children for what they turn out to be, it is enough that you know you did your best to raise him/her but if he/she does not turn out to be the "perfect child" that you wanted, it is not enough reason to be rude most especially if he/she is doing well in his/her life but just not as you planned it to be.
1 person likes this
@darksouleater (316)
• Colombia
17 Jan 07
Well, that depends on each person, all ppl is different, and each ppl has his way to teach their sons all the things,etc.
1 person likes this
@JCarroll5781 (79)
• United States
17 Jan 07
mothers are hard on their daughters because they want better than what they had growing up. they know the mistakes and hardships they went through growing up and they dont want the same thing for their daughters. Its a completely different world out there from 20 years ago. When my daughter is old enough to start making decisions on her own i'll be hard on her too. I want for her to succeed in whatever she puts her heart into. I want more for her than I ever got. Not saying my life was terrible but theres alot more nowadays to offer us.
1 person likes this
