What Would You Do?

She's 14... clubs are typically geared for 18 and up. If it is a teen club, check the place out and then make a decision on your own. I would make her wait until she can drive herself.

I like it. I have never been that extreme. I think kids today think they should just be able to do as they please. My daughter went to a friends and created an email,myspace,and IM acct. SHe knows that it is unacceptable. What do I do?

I created a discussion a while back about mothers and their teenage daughters: http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/434375.aspx and, I included a link to an article I wrote about the topic. In your situation, you really don't want to compare your 14 year old with your 17 year olds judgement calls and situation. They are both unique individuals, and each have absorbed your parenting and guidance differently. Of course, we want to be protective and even preventive, but you also have to allow enough room for them to make mistakes they have to learn from. You are obviously in the right to be scared that your 14 year old will make the same misguided choices that your 17 year old did, but you need to then become more involved with the 14 year old's life on every level, so she knows that she doesn't have to make those same choices, and giving her the reasons why her sister's misguided choices do not have to be hers. You definitely do not want to punish her and become too over protective with her because of the 17 year olds situations. This can definitely backfire on you and cause her to first rebel and develop the attitude where why bother trying since she is pre-accused or assumed to be doing wrong anyway. In my day, we went to the teen roller disco every weekend. It was a structured environment, on parent drove us there, and another parent picked up. We knew the curfew, and we abided by it. Do you allow her to go to movies with her friends, to the mall, to school dances without you? Have you checked out the teen dance club she wants to go to? Have you called your local police department and asked them about this establishment, asked about incidence of crime that may have taken place there? At some point you are going to have to give your 14 year old room to experience and grow into her own independence. Maybe you can chaperone her going to this teen club. I have a friend who does this for her 14 year old. She sits in her car and waits from the time she drops off till her daughter's expected curfew. Of course your hormonal 14 year old was going to get uptight at the thought of not being allowed to go to the teen club, and she reacted as normal teens do by getting upset and proclaiming how unfair it is and how she can't do anything. I think your punishment was way harsh for a normal reaction. Did you try to help her understand where you were coming from in why you are concerned about her attending the teen club? If you cut off the communication with you being right and not willing to understand where she is coming from or how she might have felt and how she feels you don't trust her, you are cutting off your chances of your daughter opening up to you and coming to you when she really needs to. You don't want to close the door on the relationship you can have with your 14 year old, it could make the difference between her following in the 17 year olds footsteps. It is definitely difficult to raise a teenager son or daughter in today's society, but we have to always be their guiding force and they have to get the message that we are their first line of defense on every level.

That will certainly get the message through that she does actually get to do more than a lot of other kids her age. Hopefully she'll realize exactly what she does have and what "nothing" means.

I think you did the right thing. I would have done the same. Have done the same! Welcome to the roller coaster of hormones where they try to get away with everything, and yet you let them get away with "nothing" pffffftttt if they only knew!

I think that should work, as long as you explained what "nothing" consisted of. When she tells you that you do not trust her, let her know that you do trust her, but you do not trust the other people in this world. Let her know that a lot of things could happen to her, and that you love her and want to protect her. Next time she want to do something like going to a teen club, let her know that she needs to be a little older, but you would love for her to invite some friends over for a slumber party, that always worked for my daughter. She loved to bring her friends to the house, so it was a fair compromise. Call me bad, but I used to eaves drop on the giggling girls and I knew what was going on at school, what boys they liked, who hated her mom, and all kinds of information. It gave me an insight on the girls my daughter hung out with, and what activities they were interested in at the time. You do need to be firm with teenagers. It is your house and your rules, you are the parent. Good luck to you and your girls.