He cheated and I didn't care, is there something wrong with me?

@bhbirdie6 (1771)
United States
October 5, 2006 7:34pm CST
My boyfriend recently confessed to cheating on me and to my suprise I was not all that upset. I didn't cry. I didn't scream or yell or slap him or even break up with him. Maybe this was because he was incredibly remorseful or maybe because I am used to guys cheating on me. Every guy I have ever dated has cheated on me. Is there something wrong with me that it didn't bother me that he cheated?
2 people like this
66 responses
@callalily (165)
• United States
7 Oct 06
My thoughts on the matter are these: You expect a man to cheat on you. Whether it is solely because you have low self esteem or because you have always been cheated on, or both, the fact is, it is just what you expect. We usually get out of life just what we expect to.
1 person likes this
@juls2me2 (2151)
• United States
7 Oct 06
well put and great point. Expect more out of your life and you'll achieve it.
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
7 Oct 06
YOU may have did something wrong*sighs* because you have just let him get away with it and now next time he may do it again and again are you going to forgive him again and again just because he is remorseful again then to. Or you just don't love him enough to care.
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
Could you read some of my earlier responses to comments very much like this one. It seems that "letting him get away with it" means there is no forgiveness and there is anger and manipulation, neither of these are good for a relationship.
@riia0033 (345)
• India
7 Oct 06
dear mylottee mtdewgurl74 i m agree with ur thinking u r absolutely true.
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
Yes, my situation sounds quite different from your sister's. I'm very sorry to hear of her difficulties. CF is something that is very hard to live with. A cheating husband doesn't help. I wish her the best of luck.
• United States
6 Oct 06
Because you showed him that you didn't care that he cheated I think he will do it again. U don't want to marry this guy....even if guys have cheated on you in the past...If he loves you he will never do it again. Do you trust him? DO you believe he will never do it again? My bf was text messaging some girl....and when I found out I told him that if he wanted to cheat he should think about it twice and be out of my house before he actually did it! And I also told him that if he ever did Cheat...that would be something I would never forgive!
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
6 Oct 06
Why is everyone presuming that I don't care about my bf? I love him very much and was very openly caring and affectionate before he cheated on me and after. I don't think he'll do it again, I was just curious as to why I felt the way I did when I received he news. As for you and your bf text messaging another girl. Texting isn't cheating. Content might be suspicious but it's still not cheating. Sounds like you're a little unsure of your relationship.
• United States
7 Oct 06
I never said you didn't care about him! I said, You didn't show that you cared that HE CHEATED! He was messaging a girl in a different state but you know guys will be guys and some girls will be hoes...Many times men start by just 'chatting' with girls but after a while it starts to become something else. I just had to tell him if ever decided to take that 'chatting' any further he better not be in my house.....
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
Yeah, misread your comment. Sorry. Although, I think you are a little paranoid about your bf's chatting. Admittedly I do not know you or what your relationship with your bf is like but I think there is some serious trust lacking here.
@bigedshult1 (1613)
• United States
6 Oct 06
if he cheat befor you get marred what do you think he will do after you get marred and have kids with him.and if you don't care now what you going care now you will not feal anthing letter so get a new boyfrend that you will care for
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
6 Oct 06
I love my boyfriend very much. My point was not that I did not care for him but that I was not greatly affected by the news of his cheating.
@tomk2004 (396)
• India
7 Oct 06
The fact tht u didnt have feeling is sign tht u don't love him...is it not?
• United States
7 Oct 06
I agree. If you were not upset about him cheating you can't have very strong feelings for him. It sounds like you are more dependent on a relationship than in love with this person. If you really think he is worth the effort, by all means don't end the relationship but if he cheats again quit wasting your time!
• United States
7 Oct 06
Maybe your triing to avoid confirtation about the whole subject! If you do you will get the way that you didnt! Maybe its not that you dont care but you dont have the feelings you did for him before! You might love him, but are you still in love with him?? I think you made a little booboo though because you didnt make any noise about him cheating on you, arent you worried it will happen again! He might think its ok! I mean did you atleast hold out on him?
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
I made it quite clear that cheating again was not an option. His amazing level of remorse is perhaps what moved me to forgiveness. I have never seen him so upset in our entire relationship. A cynic would say it was just a ploy. I know my bf and this was uncontrollable sadness.
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
I.e. I don't think he'll do it again.
• United States
7 Oct 06
Well good for you! Sounds like you found a decent guy who I guess just went sour! If you can forgive him than thats all that matters! If you trust him again that is all that matters. Your a better person for it...I know i would be out the door, I would have no trust, and it just wouldnt matter what they had to say I wouldnt be listening!
@Sandy85 (473)
• India
6 Oct 06
May be I think you were toooooooooooo!!!!! shocked
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
6 Oct 06
Lol, the humor is appreciated. Especially after so many amazingly erroneous and presumptious responses.
@neon2000 (2761)
• Philippines
7 Oct 06
maybe youre just not so serious about getting involve with him. I mean to say, you don't show enough love for him that's why he looked someone to show it to him. Maybe that's one case.
@07141988 (148)
• India
7 Oct 06
hey ....u didnt feel upset means u dont hv much strong feelings for him ....u said u didnt cry or didnt show any such genuine response that a girl mite show wen such a thing happens to her ...u didnt love him whole heartedly and i suppose this is the only reason ....
@imlex1 (116)
6 Oct 06
you cant blame yourself for others lack of honesty,,do you now find you dont fully commit to relationships? do you maybe give the impression you really have no faith in the relationship and do not demand honesty? sometimes this can happen for those who get used to getting cheated on,,they stop questionng what their partners do for fear THAT will make the cheat,,,,all relationships need bounderies,,they give the other partner 'rules' so to speak,,for what you will and will not except in this relationship,,maybe its time for you to toughen up and start stamping those feet,,start agin and change your rules,,the next time a partner does or says something that doesnt go with the grain of what you consider 'normal' say so,,question things if you feel the need to,,dont be a doormat and then complain people wipe their feet on you,,if you want faithfulness,make it clear you wont accept anything less or they will find themselves without you,,,the next time you enter a relationship,choose someone good for you and go into it slowly so as to guage their boyfriend potential,they may or may not be for you but you can at least get to know them before commiting to maybe getting hurt.good luck
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
6 Oct 06
Once again, I feel that this situation is being over analyzed. I think that this advice is unhelpful because you don't know my background or how I went into my current relationship with my bf. You've made a lot of assumptions that are grossly inaccurate.
@imlex1 (116)
6 Oct 06
why ask peoples advice if you are quite happy being cheated on with ex and your current boyfriend,,whats the point of being with someone still and not even being bothered he cheated on you,,what is it you want? i dont think many people give out medals for lack of self worth.as long as your happy its your business i suppose.you asked,we answered but you only seem to want answers that simplify your relationship and condone your ex and current b/f actions.that we dont get!
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
6 Oct 06
I think I may have been expecting too much when I asked this question. Or perhaps I asked the wrong question. I do not "condone" my bf's actions in any way, shape, or form. As for your initial response, I am not a doormat. I never have been and never will be. It seems to me that society's natural response to cheating is to completely cut off the relationship rather than to consider working through it and forgiving. From the responses I've received it seems anyone who chooses the latter is viewed as a doormat. This bothers me. Thank you, however, for taking the time to respond.
@DRoddy77 (1778)
• United States
6 Oct 06
He will just keep cheating on you over and over again if you let him! You need to stand up for yourself otherwise you are just letting him walk over you and allowing him to have his cake and eat it, too! If he knows you wont do anything about it he will just keep doing it! Stand up for yourself!
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
6 Oct 06
Perhaps I should clarify that I am not a doormat. I never have been and I never will be.
@DRoddy77 (1778)
• United States
6 Oct 06
If you are letting him cheat on you like that and dont even care or threaten to leave him, then I think that describes a doormat.
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
6 Oct 06
I made it quite clear in our discussions afterward that cheating was not an option. Threatening is simply a form of manipulation and ask any counselor or therapist, manipulation can kill a relationship. I refuse to engage in such detrimental behavior. Although I must say, the responses I have received since this posting offer interesting insight into the social psyche.
@acdc0805 (981)
• United States
6 Oct 06
Nope theres nothing wrong with you-its your own personal opinion, just be weary as it'd probably happen again, and you'll probably never forget, and hold it against him (i have and he cheated before we were married) and i just remember it all the time, and sometimes when i think about it, it causes me to be angry and we fight a lot more. and i've had guys cheat on my before, but always say that its me they want to be with-so its hard.
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
6 Oct 06
It makes me sad to hear both responses so far touting the idea "once a cheater, always a cheater". I really hope that my bf has moved beyond that and will not stray again. I'm not sure I would be able to handle a second time. Luckily for us, his indiscretion has caused very little strife or arguments between us. Hopefully it will stay that way.
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
Thank you so much for acknowledging that so much depends on the couple and the relationship. From the many responses I've received it seems many people think the quick fix is either to hurt the person who hurt them or to completely break off the relationship. Neither of which I think is a good solution.
@jbl1975 (374)
• United States
7 Oct 06
You probably saw this coming, but invite the other girl over and have a threesome. She, your boyfriend, and you might like it. :-)
• United States
7 Oct 06
duuu yeah thats it....happens to you all the time
@jbl1975 (374)
• United States
7 Oct 06
Yeah I wish it did, but for her, him, and the other her, maybe there's a chance.
@rainbow (6763)
7 Oct 06
I had an ex that did this. The first couple of times it hurt but after that I didn't care. When he realised it didn't get a heartbroken reaction he left me. I wasn't bothered about that either and I was 6 months pregnant at the time. Ask yourself is he trying to test you and do you really care about him at all if you don't care. Maybe you're considering being unfaithful to him, this could be a way to get your own back but as a couple are you strong enough for that? When you find THE ONE, it will probably bother you although I've had my partner over 7 years now and I know he wouldn't but I probably wouldn't bother if he did.
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
Your story of your ex really saddened me. I think my relationship is quite different after I heard that story.
@rainbow (6763)
7 Oct 06
How can that madness have helped you? Please think carefully about your feelings and situation. If you really love him talk to him about what is acceptable at least then he knows the consequences of his behaviour. More than once ever is not acceptable and he should be on his last chance. I wish you all the best at this difficult time.
@SunnyDays (1071)
• Bahamas
7 Oct 06
Have you ever thought about it that you think you don't deserve a truthful guy ? That you just expect the guys being unfaithful to you is a sign for a much more deeper issue within yourself ...Did you ever ask yourself why you feel unworthy ?? It sounds to me like you have some soul searching to do before you can be in a healthy realtionship ..and I don't mean it in a bad way - I been there, done that ...
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
It still bugs me that because HE cheated I need to do soul searching... I think our relationship is incredibly healthy and we recovered from this hiccup very well.
@SunnyDays (1071)
• Bahamas
7 Oct 06
Not being upset about a break of trust is an alarming sign for me ..But we all are different. If you are OK with the situation and think everything is fine who am I to say anything different :)
@dlufel (424)
• Australia
6 Oct 06
but hey .. if you really feel nothing about all those guys cheated on you .. there's really something wrong with you. maybe you can spend this weekend to look back and finds out what's wrong.
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
6 Oct 06
I did not have an adverse response to THIS bf cheating one me. All the others had very dramatic and possibly exaggerated responses. It's not as if I am incapable of feeling.
@dlufel (424)
• Australia
7 Oct 06
oh .. ok .. then if thats the case .. maybe you simply dont love this one so much. thats why u just dont care.
@blazonvj (430)
• India
7 Oct 06
there is no problem with u..i thiunk u have done the right thing..u forgave him..he needs to be given a fair chance..i think he will change..and will not repeat it...to love means to forgive!!
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
Your comment is the closest approximation to what I think about the situation. It seems that we are very few who believe in forgiveness in this situation.
• United States
7 Oct 06
I thnk that you should give yourself sometime. You may not be upset now, (probably just happy he is still with you) but I think maybe at some point you may become angry as the thoughts of it start to become more real to you.
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
It's been a couple months now so I don't think that's going to happen. Thank you for the response.
@ossie16d (11827)
• Australia
7 Oct 06
It sounds to me like you are attracting the wrong type of man in your life. How long have you been in this relationship and are you living with him or just going out? I could not be so forgiving so perhaps you do not love him as deeply as you think you do. First you have to start respecting yourself and then find a man who will respect you as well. Push this loser out the door.
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
We are just dating, not living together. As for not loving him as much as I think I do... I know myself very well. That's one of the things I'm proud of. And not loving him as much as I think I do,...is not the case.
@vipul20044 (5798)
• India
7 Oct 06
Havent you heard about "Hiding something is more painful than confessing it" atleast he had the guts to speak to you about it, think about it! It couldve been worse if he wouldve had kept you in darkness! And siriously if not now later wouldve been a bad option cuz that wouldve hurt you! Maybe you are aware of this fact or you already expected things Its like you tend to guess when a person goes away, doesnt love you anymore etc because you feel a void in the relationship Its good you did not overreact!
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
You're right about hiding it is more painful than confessing it. He later told me that all his friends had told him not to tell me but he had to tell me just because he couldn't bottle it all up inside. As for the "void" in our relationship. I don't think there was one or is one. It was a simple mistake.
@Karinne (1223)
• Australia
7 Oct 06
um i think it depends on your relationship and how much you are commited to each other. Well if he's cheating on you it doesn't sound you have a very good relationship. I too have had to put up with guys in my life cheating on me and found the best solution is to get rid of him. Once a cheater always a cheater. How would he feel you going out and getting a bit from someone else - i doubt very much he would like it and would probably break it off with you.
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
That's a good point about how he would respond if I cheated. I'm really not sure. But I'm notwilling to find out. Apart from this one little incident we are very committed to each other.
@Force_Fed (748)
• United States
7 Oct 06
I think the fact that you are already so numb to the feeling is something you need to reflect on. You know this, that's why it bothers you that it doesn't bother you. Wether or not once a cheater always a cheater, I don't know. I don't know you or him so anything is possible. You have to keep your heart and your eyes open. People can change and people can make mistake. Like they say in the CIA, "trust, but verify" g'luck, Force
7 Oct 06
That's a very good response Force. I agree with it.
• United States
7 Oct 06
no, since every guy has cheated on you, it doesnt have that big of an effect on you
@bhbirdie6 (1771)
• United States
7 Oct 06
I think that seems to be the general consensus from several other comments. Thanks for responding.