Fathers and their choice to leave their families.
• United States
30 Jan 07
Lady, I'm going to talk to you as a mom to 3 great teens. My oldest is almost 18 now! YIKES! lol BUT... this is how I explain it to them when they are hurt by their fathers actions. Of course I don't know your father and I'm sure there are those out there that just don't have a good bone in their body. But for the most part I think a large amount of "walk away dads" fall into this category. This is how I explain it to my kids. I don't think it's a matter of "love". If he EVER was an active person in your life he had to of grown love for you. What it ends up being is a matter of greed and self survival. For some people, THEY are number 1 in their life. It can come from many reasons ranging from living their own hardships, feeling abandoned in their own childhood and adult life or simply never truly being taught how to love back and show it. I think most walk away so easily because first, they know you will be cared for. They know the person they're leaving you with will love you unconditionally and while she (assuming it's your mother) is far from perfect she is perfect for you and you are perfect for her because there is a bond that nobody can break. He never allowed a bond to form full enough, whether it was because of fear of that bond or simple ignorance that it exists. If you were to ask your "father" if he loves you,I would bet his answer would say yes. If he were to get a phone call that you had been, God forbid, injured or killed I am almost certain his heart would ache. BUT, it would also justify his reasoning for keeping you at a distance. YOU became someone that left him. Had he let you, he would hurt more. Fathers who leave tend to leave because they themselves feel incompetent. I'm going to guess his own immediate family, mother, father and siblings, aren't all that close to him either. Or if they are 'around', they don't have a lot of affection for each other openly. That should tell you how he was raised to feel about loving anyone but himself. I also think it's a matter of responsibility. It's so much easier in life to walk away and never look back when something becomes tough. They're usually the types that think the grass is always greener no matter how many pastures they have to go to....never finding anything but the same grass over and over. There is hurt in your heart about this man. I wish there was something that can cleanse that but I think the best and only thing is to try to understand and realize that his absence doesn't say "I don't love you". It says "I don't know HOW to love you." There's a huge difference. I'm not saying he's a good person for doing it. I'm not even defending his existence. But I'm trying to show you why your heart hurts and how to help yourself mend it. HE will never do it. You will NEVER find a day he comes around with a huge realization of what he SHOULD have been, apologizing for all he's missed. Even if he did, you would question if he truly meant or even understand the entire situation. Good luck hon. From a single mom who knows your heartache as I see it in my own 3 teens. I'm sorry for the pain you have had to go through, but work with dealing through the truth of it all and realize it's not your fault, it's not even really his fault... it's his personality and his own inadequacies. Perhaps he will never feel he is "man enough" to be a father. Sperm donors are a dime a dozen. Unfortunately real fathers are scarce. (((((hugs)))))
• United States
29 Jan 07
I think they are just lazy and irresponsible. What really gets me mad is when they choose to leave thier families and then go start another one. I understand that sometimes they are too young to be a father, but they should have thought about htat before they got someone pregnant. I just don't understand how people can treat their kids that way. I can't imagine not wanting to be a part of my duaghter's life. I think a lot has to do with them being selfish too. It really does effect the children too. They don't understand why daddy doesn't want them and it can cause long term psychological damage and it can guide the way that the child deals with other people and love in general. It is a cowards way fo dealing with a situation that they got themselves into. I have no respect for any parent who leaves the family.