Is this Domestic Abuse? Please help me decide
By slickcut
@slickcut (8141)
United States
February 4, 2007 7:48pm CST
Hi, i have a friend that I feel is abused ,but not pysically,she is a sad woman but claims to love her husband,she is a friend of mine and I don,t think she realizes this...I say not physically because her husband don,t hit her but its like he controls her...He hardly takes her anyplace,never out to eat or buys her anything...If she goes somewhere, during the day she has to be home at a certain time regardless of the reason,she gets so nervous if he gets home before she does,she is afraid he will get mad...She has to have dinner cooked each night and coffee made when he walks in the door.He eats and sometime he don,t like what she cooks and just pushes it away,and he goes to bed and watches TV,and constanly ask her to fix him toast or a coke etc ,after she has cleaned up the kitchen while he just lays there on his butt while she waits on him..One time her sister came from out of town and needed my friend to go downtown with her to a doctor,she went but did not get home until around 6:00 Pm because of traffic,when she got home he was mad,and was ugly in front of her sister..It is like she can,t do anything unless he approves...Also one time they had company and she went shopping with them,there were men and women ,he refused to go and said she could go,well when she got home he was mad,saying things like"I didn,t know you were going to begone that long"She has raised five childern with this man..He seems to ignore her and put her down in front of people,like making small digs at her...The bottom line is she seems to be so afraid she will upset him,he is touchy,hateful,and sometimes just throws things like glasses and cups in the sink with a big bang..He don,t want to do anything for himself...He sits at the table and just stares out the window and smokes...I have been at her house and he will be laying on the bed and I will hear him light a cigarette and pop his lighter,and she said Oh hes mad,and she seems nervous...I would never tell her anything but I think she is somehow mentally abused,she can only do things if hes at work and constanly nervous until she gets home,and if hes not home yet ,she will say something Oh good,Im home before him,I have to hurry...I notice that he seems a little on edge most of the time,but hes like quite...She is always happy when he happens to go out of town on a job.....Do you have any imput on this? I don,t want her to know that i am concerned but I know something is wrong there...Thanks
10 people like this
66 responses
@highflyingxangel (9225)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I think this is abuse. He's controlling her, which is mental abuse, or emotional, but it is still abuse. She's afraid of him, she's afraid of what will happen if he beats her home. I mean, it doesn't get more clear than that.
2 people like this
@tippy1124 (19)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I noticed that you said she has 5 children with him. Sometimes women are more apt to put up with emotional abuse when there are children involved. I know this from my own experience. Everything you said about her, was me. I know you don't want her to know that you're concerned, but she needs to know and it may even help a little to know that someone does care about her and her well being. I always thought that things would be fine and I always told myself "tommorrow will be better", but it doesn't get better. Emotional abuse is only a step away from physical abuse. I think the thing that made me realize how much I was degrading myself by letting him treat me like that was that my best friend came to me and told me she was concerned for me. She told me how much she loved me and cherished our friendship and that it hurt her to watch him do that to me. She asked me why I put up with it and I told her I didn't want my son to grow up without his father, like I did. She looked me right in the eye and said "I know you love your son and it's important to you for him to know his father, but do you really want him to know his father as the man that treated his mother so badly?". I thought a lot about it and she was right. It was more important for my son to grow up and know how to treat women with respect than it was for him to be with his father. Although it may seem hard to talk to her about it, trust me, she needs to hear it. Especially from someone who cares about her like you.
@tippy1124 (19)
• United States
8 Feb 07
I really do wish you the best of luck with that. You're right though, she may not know. I didn't until someone else pointed it out.
@icecoldstarr (20)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Yes it is abuse, sometimes it is the worst kind, i would rather be smacked than mentally abused {only think it} a man starts out with mental abuse & in no time it leads to physical abuse,i was abused by my very first boyfriend before we were ever married, she has to get out it is alot different now adays, Women dont have to stay in it, 30-40 years ago not even the cops got involved when a man beat his wife.Good luck to her & i will pray 4 her. Thanks, Mary
1 person likes this
@mansha (6298)
• India
5 Feb 07
This is a classic case of mental abuse. I think he makes her frightened and just steers clear away from physical abuse.just read through this site and may be ask your friend to read this too:
http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/
for help on it go here
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
5 Feb 07
That is definitely domestic abuse of the emotional and mental kind. The sad thing is, more than likely the harder she tries to please him, the worse he will become (if that's possible). I hope you are right that he is not abusing her physically, but it is a distinct possibility. It might be better if she knew that she had an ally in you in case things do get worse. Just let her know you are there for her if she needs you.
@payingforschool (678)
• Canada
5 Feb 07
I watched my mom go through this with her second husband. It took years of us subtely telling her it wasn't right before one day she woke up and realized how wrong it was. She visited a website called verbalabuse.com and foudn it very helpful. She did leave him, and I am so glad that she did. Sometimes, verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse ... because it is far more subtle. If a woman is being hit, she can be sure she is being abused ... but if she is being controlled like that, she can tell herself it's not really abuse ... and people around her won't necessarily see it either, the way they would see bruises. Without pushing her, I would use every opportunity to say 'don't you think it's not right...etc?' or something like that. Don't argue if she says its fine ... you are really just planting the seeds with her, so she will hopefully start thinking herself about how wrong it is that she lives this way. It is really hard to watch, and I hope for both of your sakes that she realizes it soon.
@talisman (1300)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Why would you not want her to know that you're concerned or tell her anything about how you feel about this situation? She's your FRIEND! Your friend needs help and you're not trying to do anything. Yes, what's happening to your friend is a form of abuse, but if no one will talk to her and try to help her get out of that awful situation, she's going to continue down this path. SOMEONE has to be there for her. If you won't be, tell someone else. Divulging someone's personal home situation online when you're not even going to do anything with the information is wrong. If you're truly her friend, please help her. She needs it.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
5 Feb 07
All of this great advice that I have recieved has made me decide to talk with her,I was just afraid she would protect him ,it is such an under current to his abuse she may not just understand it since he don,t hit her..I have known her for years so i think I will,she is not a toucy person so maybe she will accept what I say.her children are grown up now and she is a sweet and pretty lady and she can do better than him..I often wondered what she ever seen in him...Thank you all for the advice and courage to step up to th plate ans talk with her..
@hellboi (661)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
Somehow it puzzles me how people come to fear their partners. I can so much relate to this cause a close relative is so behaving this way. She can't call us and she doesn't want us to call whenever her husband is home. More so she can't come with us whenever we'd go to the beach or visit places because she is afraid with her husband. I just can't understand how the vows of love and respect in marriage suddenly turn into fear and dictatorship. This is really sad. The key to a good relationship is open communication and respect for your partner.
These people should learn to face their fears and confront their husbands. They should regain that respect. I think all it takes is one brave act and the support of her family and friends. It is totally awful to live that way. You are like a puppet of your husband which is not supposed to be. So make a stand!
@blacktiger63 (85)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Wow, the guy sounds like a real jerk. It sounds like mental and emotional abuse to me. You should try and talk to your friend about her situation. It sounds like it would be better if she had a divorce.
@urbangirl (1456)
• Australia
5 Feb 07
Well it is certainly emotional abuse. He seems like a very controlling person - maybe he is also depressed? Can you get your friend to open up about how she feels by somehow bringing it up herself? I think if you confront her she might try to hide it or be defensive about it. But if you could bring the conversation round to her talking about it then you can ask her how you can support and help her.
@urbangirl (1456)
• Australia
5 Feb 07
slickcut - if she seems nervous all the time then it must also be affecting her health. Maybe you could ask her about her health and if she starts talking about her nervousness for example start by telling her its not normal to be feeling like that all the time.
@missmuffet (238)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I would consider this mental abuse but that is my opinion. I lived with it for 30 years. I just got used to it so I just ignored him when he got like that.
@cdparazo (5765)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
I think her husband is insecure and shows his insecurity buy controlling his wife. A lot of husbands who are insecure and are really afraid to be left alone expresses them by controlling their spouses. They have no control over their insecurity so they control their spouses.
The wife on the otherhand, may have an abusive father and is attracted to that type of men, such as her husband. I also have a friend who wants to be wanted all the time. Maybe the woman is a machocist and feels certain emotional satisfaction by being treated or 'needed' that way or she is just used to being treated like a second class citizen by her husband because she grew up in an environment that is very similar to that.
Bottomline, no one gets abused unless one allows it. The abuser stops abusing you if you put your foot forward and put a stop to it. The husband treats her wife like a rag because she allows it. If she really doesnt want to be treated that way, all she has to do is put a stop to it.
@AyaMiami (95)
• United States
5 Feb 07
It sounds like your friend is in a terrible situation. It's nice that you are there to give her some support. I do agree that she is being abused. Whatever you do, do not make her feel stupid for staying with someone like that. The best thing you can do is be there for her when she needs to talk.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
5 Feb 07
thats what i think also.I know she is not stupid but she is so dependant on him,and I have heard her say ,i don,t know what to do without him.it seems she is dependent.But she married him when she was very young,and has been married a very long time.
@missy1981 (22)
• Australia
5 Feb 07
Hi I just wanted to add that although she says she loves her husband, maybe she might be scared of leaving him or reporting him, incase of any bad repercussions, which may be the case. I'm glad she has someone who is willing to stand by her, to catch her when she falls. You are a great friend!
@Lush_heidi (994)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Sounds like she is scared of him for some reason. Do you think she would talk to a domestic abuse hotline on the telephone when he is out of town. She isnt living a good quality life and seems to have to cater to him. If he loved her and respected her, he would give her freedom to be the person she wants to be,and not put such limitations on her and her activities.
Maybe if you can get her alone, she can tell you if he is hurting her and if she has anywhere to go. mental abuse is still abuse and she needs deserves to be treated like a lady and wife and not a maid! I wish her all the luck! Your a good friend to be concerned.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
5 Feb 07
yes she seems to be scared to upset him.Sometime she gets in bad moods with him and hes says he don,t understand why she is being that way,but guess sometimes she gets enough.Thank you for youe advice.I think I will try to look deeper into it..she is my best friend.
@mmonica (36)
• India
5 Feb 07
I think you should tell her the real situation.. that she is being abused. Probably, she has no idea that she is being abused. She has to be brought to light, and you, as a good friend, can boost her confidence to take a proper decision. May be, once she realizes that she is putting up a lot, she might want to do something about it.
@traceyleeappel (510)
• Australia
5 Feb 07
Hi sickcut ,
aLL i can say is yes it is a form of abuse called mental abuse . She should seek help from the police to start with because it will get worst for her and not better !!!
@freelife2 (76)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Sounds to me it could be mental and verbal abuse. I have been though it with my ex but there was also physical abuse from him. It took me along time 10 years to finally to get the nerve to say enough was enough and kicked him out. Just be there for her. Hope things work out for you friend. I hate seeing people having to go though things like this.
@melissacus (441)
• United States
5 Feb 07
the guy sounds like a jerk. but if she loves him what can you do? just try to talk to her about it. there's really nothing to do about this. he does sound a bit possessive and controlling. she should grow some balls ('scuse my language) and talk to him about it. she's not an object.
@Candacefraser (31)
• Canada
5 Feb 07
I know a lot of men like this, I'm sorry everyone but I have to defend this guy. He doesn't hurt her, he just wants her all to himself, I think its cute that he's so protective of her. Myabe he doesn't have a lot of money to buy her things or maybe he just doesn't want other men looking her. If this woman hates it so much why doesn't she leave?
@APMorison (424)
• United States
19 Feb 07
Time to grow up first little one. Abusers are not cute, its not love to cut people off from their friends and family. Its not a healthy, loving thing to Want Them Completely All To Themselves.
That's a romantic myth and its dangerous.
Another myth is that a severely abused person can just walk out anytime they want. My husband would have killed my family if I had gone to them when I finally found my way out. I had to go to someplace even my parents didn't know to keep safe and we had to have police protective orders placed on my parents to keep him away from them.
Abuse doesn't have to leave broken bones, bruises and scars on the skin to be abuse. Go do some volunteer work at a women's shelter, get an education before you decide that it's cute to be treated like property.
