I'm sorry

@Kaeli72 (1230)
United States
February 13, 2007 3:53pm CST
My husband doesn't think it's right for him to appologize to the kids when he's done wrong. He demands appologies from them, though. I told him that him not doing so makes the kids think that he is "unreachable" for them to come and discuss serious matters to him and it's going to get worse as they grow older. To me, it's breaking their confidence and level of trust. What are your tips/suggestions?
3 people like this
15 responses
• Australia
13 Feb 07
i think that you definetly need to apologise to your kids if you are wrong, if you dont they think that it is the norm and then that is what they will do with others. i think your hubby needs to look at what lesson he trying to teach his kids. sometimes i get snappy when im tired and my daughter asks heaps of questions, when i say that im sorry for being grouchy and that it is because im tired she then understands and isnt upset anymore and she realises that its not the questions its because im tired, tell hubby to think about how he would think and feel if he was the child and that his dad reacted like he does. goodluck
@Kaeli72 (1230)
• United States
13 Feb 07
Oh, last time he had his moment, I told him straight out that he was belittling the children too much. "Maybe that's the way your father treated you, I don't know..." was what I said before I left the room. After that, he came out and appologized. That's great, but I don't want him coming out saying those words when I tell him to. I want him to do it on his own. Now, when I snap at the kids, they tell me, "You're just like dad!" OUCH!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
14 Feb 07
Find a way for your husband to understand that it is truly important that he knows how to say 'I'm sorry',too. If your kids are already in school, you may approach the school psychometrician or psychologist and explaim the matter to him. Perhaps you could set an appointment between the three of you where the matter maybe discussed fully. If your husband never learns to say I'm sorry, this will create a certain kind of confusion in the children's minds. Would they take it to mean that parents never commit mistakes? As they get older, this may become, is my father too proud he commits errors, too? The danger comes once they reach teenage years when they will be feeling that the reason their father never says I'm sorry is because he is such a...(hard to understand person, I really don't know what the right words to use here) and thus, they start rebelling against their father. I should know, we've been through this experience, too.
1 person likes this
@victor234 (507)
• Brazil
14 Feb 07
Talk with him or ask for anyone that has a good friendship with him to talk. Talk with your husband and try explain what is the better way to learn your kids, the kids has to be disciplined and if they make something wrong you will have to correct them, not only you but your husband too.
@Jshean20 (14374)
• Canada
14 Feb 07
You're absolutely right. I know first hand that when a father feels like he's never in the wrong and lets his ego get in the way by not appologising when he's done wrong, he's becoming unreachable to the child. When I was little my dad would make mistakes (like any other human being) and yet he would never appologize (he was like that with my mom too though). I guess all you can do is give your husband examples of situation that your kids could face one day, and ask him straight up how he would feel if they couldn't go to him with the problem. Good luck
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 07
Hey 'Jael' I ALWAYS apologize to my kids. Whether they were wrong or right whether it was discipline or not; how else are they suppose to learn to obey and love at the same time. It's always a good thing to apologize for our behaviour. I guess I am just one of those parents that tends to joke around a lot instead of over-reacting. No parent is perfect, all kids provoke us to an extent.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Feb 07
Do you know of anyone who has any influence over your husband?Maybe a realtive or friend who may agree with you? If so maybe this person can have a talk with him and explain that he's doing wrong and may be doing emotional harm to his kids.
@Kaeli72 (1230)
• United States
13 Feb 07
Whooo weeee! His own mother tried to tell him to quit pestering the children and he scolded her.
@Shaun72 (15968)
• Palatka, Florida
9 Mar 07
Yeah I have to say I agree with you on this. I don't have any kids but some of my friends that have kids I have witnessed a little bit of the same issue.
• Philippines
21 Feb 07
Hmnn... this is tough... I think your husband needs a dose of some serious taltking. Have you tried sitting down and having a heart-to-heart talk with him about this? Maybe if you stress that it is importnat for you that you both as mom and dad need to show your children that saying IM SORRY is important, he'd do a turn around. After all, nobody is beyond reproach. Nobody is too high up on a pedestal that they never have to say sorry...
@babykay (2133)
• Ireland
16 Feb 07
I too had a father like this! Unfortunately it meant that because he appeared to me to be quite hypocritical, I didn't believe or trust in much he said. My Dad believed in one rule for adults and another for children. I suppose it is common enough for people of his generation to not give much weight to the rights of children. So tell your husband that his attitude might work now in terms of subjecting his will upon your children. But for their long-term good and in order for your children to have respect for your husband, it is much better for him to admit when he is wrong. Not to do so means they will not trust him when they are older I am afraid.
• United States
16 Feb 07
I think you should take help of your friends whome your husband trusts or whome he considers to be a good parent. Because this is a real problem. egoistic relation between parents and children is not good.
• United States
14 Feb 07
I think if your husband wants your children to learn remorse and respect, he is going to have to break his no apology policy and teach them what it truly means to say he's sorry. Otherwise they are going to lose respect for him in a world where he wants them to follow his example. While I don't think we should let our children run us, when we wrong them, they deserve an apology, just like everyone else.
@bgerig (1259)
• United States
14 Feb 07
I think it is imperative for one's spouse to apologize to anyone, including kids and other spouse, when they have made a mistake. Otherwise, the kids will learn there is a double standard. That is not right. You are absolulely correct, Kaeli72, to be concerned about this.
@smkwan2007 (1038)
• Hong Kong
14 Feb 07
I pity the young ones in your family. One way to solve the problem is by investigating why your hubby behaves like that. Maybe he has emotional problems. He may worry about his work, his health or he is constantly under certain pressure from daily works. Or he had acquired certain view points on how he should be a father with authority. Once you know the reason behind all these, try to convince him that an open minded father is a good father. or help him to release his tension or solve his problem. Maybe someday he may behave better and be willing say sorry to the children whenever there is need to do so.
@kittyloki (141)
• United States
14 Feb 07
I think that he should apologize for sure. It isn't right that he doesn't. When my kid gets older I'll apologize to her if I'm in the wrong.
13 Feb 07
I think you need to explain that the way kids learn is by following your example. You can't expect them to behave in a certain why if you don't do it yourself. Otherwise they will just rebel when they are older and they won't love or respect you at all.