I need advice

Brunei Darussalam
October 13, 2006 10:04am CST
I am 16years old and about leave home to do a bridging foundation course at university because I struggled with doing British ‘A’ Levels coming from a system in New Zealand which is different. I come from a functional family which tries to look ‘perfect’ and when it’s no where near and is more dysfunctional. This is one of the reasons I am leaving so I will have a clear mind to concentrate on my studies and improve myself as a person. Below are some confessions I want to make about myself which I haven’t exposed to many people. My mother and father are very different from each other. They rely on me too much and vice-versa. My dad is ready to let me go however my mum is not ready to do so. This is doing me more harm than good. My mum is a typical housewife, she is anti-social (hates socializing with people, has a fear of getting hurt), highly superstitious, spends most of her time if not cooking and watching news indulging in long religious rituals, doesn’t drive (has a fear of causing an accident) and relies on my father and I for EVERYTHING (to talk to people on her behalf, shopping and so on). Ever since going to Kindergarten in South East Asia teachers would always say I was overly sensitive, and isolated myself from children. This grew as and grew getting worse for me; I tried to do what ever I could to feel accepted by other people. Doctors say I have symptoms of depression because I constantly feel paranoid like people have a plot to hurt me or something, I analyze people’s actions towards me as to bring me down, I say a lot of hurtful things which I don’t mean to say to people. I have cut myself and overdosed several times with sleeping pills and have attempted suicide many times because I feel so overwhelmed at both home and school. My parents and I don’t have time for counseling and plus cousellors make me feel worse about myself and more depressed. Doctors refuse to prescribe anti depressants because they fear I might overdose with those as well. Many of my peers don't want to interact with me because they say my behaviour is too depressing and I make them depressed. This is what I do to escape it all: • I make up stories to make myself feel better about things in my life. I lie to myself and everyone around me. • As the 1st and only female child my parents have felt attached to me I act preppy like a typical teenage girl so I don’t embarrass them around people or bring them shame. Thus I feel fake when I hide the truth behind a mask, (I hide myself). • I try to show people I have ‘the problem’ to replace the fact that I come from a dysfunctional family with parents that are too different and contradict themselves. This gives me a sense of protection from trying to forget the past and move on. • I grew up in a Western society and have developed their culture and have trouble with understanding Eastern culture that is why I do not like coming to their friend’s get-togethers because I’m scared I will mess up with my Western behavior and embarrass them and get a lecture about it for days. • I hate when they fight because I’m always stuck in the middle with each one dragging me to pick their sides. My dad tries to keep things from me about extended family problems (his family hating us and trying to kill me when I was young) and my mum tells me the truth (in a straight up sort of way). They use religion to emphasize God’s punishments and one’s mistakes, I don’t know whose side to pick as a result I end up being a hypocrite… which I hate. • I hate when they refuse to let me work hard and experience life’s reality’s (i.e. washing my own dishes, doing gym exercise because I have had two operations in my knees in the past… etc) which makes me feel spoon-fed like a child and I rely on the outside world to do the same for me. So I can’t live to face the world when they die. • When I try to tell them what they have done or are doing is wrong they tell me they’re scared to lose me (in simple day to day activities) as an excuse concerning my protection. • They blame me for my brother’s low self-esteem issues. My mother has many been through a lot and is very anti-social and hates being around people she tries to isolate the whole family by telling us people are there to harm us and she constantly makes herself feel happy by shopping and suffers from depression although she denies it and refusing medication and counseling. A few years ago my mum used to blame me for breaking / damaging / minorly enhancing her ornaments, vases, flowers, picture frames which I have never done, I only accidentally broke a few things as a child and I had an urge to explore what was at home because I hardly socialized. She would then call me a liar and tell me God is displeased with me so then I would eventually tell her I did it so she would stop calling me a liar and I would let her take her anger and rage out on me. She believes I’m ‘a demon child’ and tells me casually that she hides her damaged ornaments in boxes because she can’t stand looking at the damage I’ve done to destroy her precious ornaments and tells me to apologize guilt-tripping me to apologize again for something she accused me of doing years back and I didn’t even do it. As a result I feel scared to ask for things I want because she tells me I don’t deserve them. I hold it inside me and take the blame. • My parents used to use smacking/pinching as a tool for discipline when I was much younger and it hurts me even though they have stopped the emotional scars are still there. • I have a fear of socializing with people because I feel with these problems I may become a hard person to accept. So I withdraw from social activities at school to avoid hurting people. • I have so much anger and rage towards my parents and they are the first people I blame for my silly mistakes I make. I use my anger to drive people away from me the first people I tend to unintentionally hurt are my friends. • As a child I was used to being told I was wrong so I fear contributing my ideas because I live in fear others won’t accept them. • I hate my parents talking to their friends about how great I am or what my achievements are because the things I have trouble accomplishing are always things people my age don’t have trouble accomplishing. My parents like to show everyone I’m the ‘perfect child’ but I’m not but then when their friends ask me about these achievements refuse to disclose information but my ego inside grows. • I have low self-esteem, I want to fit in with people I try to look beautiful and accepting on the outside but on the inside I’m ugly. I’m angry filled with rage and the first people I tend to offend or upset are my friends. I want to change that… Despite all the pain they caused me in the past they constantly try to make up for it and make the same mistakes with my brother (who has special needs) and idolizes me and copies me a lot and I have a fear he may become like me. I have an obsession with cleaning and tidy environments. Now in high school people still describe me as a person who doesn’t like working with peers and works better on my own which is true but I don’t want to become like my mother. Who constantly talks to herself and tries to isolate us from people around. I have a strong personality which I have developed from my father yet my mother’s characteristics still remain with me. The only way I change from the roots is to go out there and face the world and take on more responsibilities I could never learn to take up at home. My mother constantly gives my father a hard time about past actions which he claims to learn he learnt lessons from. She worries too much about trivial matters and I feel she needs company otherwise she will continue hurting us. She is closer to me than my brother because I understand and relate to her more. I am going to London for the first time since I was born to see meet my grandmother and aunts. One of my auntie’s in particular cannot stand my dad and my dad claims all the family problems started from my mother’s side of the family but he says my grandmother is open-minded. He wants me talk to my grandmother and explain to her the situation and get her to convince mum to stay in England while he works here and I go to university elsewhere and he sends my brother to the UK with mum. My mum has been through a lot of drama during the marriage of 24years to my dad and has endured a lot and usually turns to one of my aunts in particular for help who is the most educated one of the whole family and constantly buys us gifts and tries to advice us. My dad fears she will be brainwashed by her if she stays a long time (she can’t stand my dad), my brother is extremely attached to my dad and doesn’t want to leave him and I feel really bad about my decision. What should do? I want to change as person from the roots, yet I don’t want to be involved in any family problems? What should I do. Please Advice. Look forward to hear from you Anonymous
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