What would you do if you were certain a best friend was stealing money from you?
@classyphotobuggy (647)
United States
February 18, 2007 3:15pm CST
I really need some advice, and forgive me because this is going to get a little wordy so I can explain the whole story. I never thought I'd be faced with this type of situation. I have a best friend (a co-worker, 15 yr. friendship now) that I'm certain is stealing money from me. We are very good friends, and have never even had a little argument. Anyway, at first, it never dawned on me that the thief stealing the money would be her. I have had $20 taken out of my wallet at work, then a few weeks later, $70 was stolen out of my wallet at work (both times I had my purse on my desk, so I blamed myself for being stupid). Ironically, I went to lunch with this same friend on the 2 days my money was stolen. I never really thought that it would be her. We spend every Christmas Eve together, and we went out to dinner then came back to my house to open gifts. I had a bank envelope on the table with my license, money and my bank receipt in the envelope. I was planning on giving my daughters a little cash in their stockings. My friend and I opened gifts, watched some TV and made jewelry. (the bank envelope was on the table in front of where she was sitting) After she left, she called me and said that it was really weird that she found my license in the bottom of her gift bag. I was quite suspicious, but didn't want to believe that she stole the money. I searched my house for 2 hours that night, I went through 2 garbage bags that night, all through the table, all of my house and I never found even an empty bank envelope. I still don't understand how the license could have fallen out of the envelope anyway. The next day, (Christmas Day)she dropped off my license and I asked about the bank envelope, and she said, "oh, there wasn't anything else in there. you know, my sister loses something every holiday. last year it was cash, this year it was jewelry, another year a bracelet, so I think you lost it." I decided it was my own stupidity again. Just this past week, we decide to go out to the movies and to dinner. She usually picks me up, and doesn't come in the house, but this time she said she was bored and going to come over to my house. My daughter had given me my change back from fast food, which was a brand new $10 bill that had no folds in it. One of those colorful ones. I put it on the counter in the kitchen near my sink. The $10 was there all day long. I was not in the kitchen when my friend came over. When I came into the kitchen, I noticed the $10 was missing. I said, "that's weird, there was a $10 there all day long, and now it's gone" She just shrugged her shoulders. When we got to the movie, she whipped out this crispy new $10 bill with no folds in it!! My heart sank!! Those new $10 US bills are not in circulation much here. When I started thinking about all the coincidences, my friend was the common factor in all of them. I do know she has faced some financial trouble lately and has had her wages garnished. I didn't know how to handle this, some other friends said that I should set her up with money laying out again, but at this point, I'm already out about $150 or more!!! I can't afford to do that again, not to mention, I already set her up not even thinking about it with the $10. The way I handled it was that I told her I was really upset someone was stealing money from my house, and that I was going to get a nanny cam and then take the thief to the police! It was pretty obvious when I started telling this story that she was guilty. She was fidgeting and stammering her words. She tried to blame one of my daughters friends. In reality, I have drilled it into the friends that they would never be allowed in my house again if I found out they stole from me! They all love my house, so they don't want that to happen. Plus, NONE of my daughter's friends were around when money was stolen, only my friend! People say, "well, now she won't steal from you anymore" Good!! I don't know how I can still be friends with this person if I can't trust her, and that breaks my heart too. Also, I'm a single parent, struggling on my paycheck and my on again off again child support from my ex-husband. Not that this has anything to do with it, but my friend does not have kids, and has no idea what my life is like or how I struggle. One of the worst parts is that I thought I was going crazy trying to find the money, remembering what I spent, etc. Everytime, I had just went to the bank so I didn't even get a chance to spend it. What would you have done? How would you have handled this situation? Could you still be friends with this person? Sorry this discussion is so long, I wanted you to get the whole story. I have been upset about this for a week! Thanks much for reading this, and thanks for your reply!! :)
3 people like this
7 responses
@classyphotobuggy (647)
• United States
18 Feb 07
Ahhhhh...very good points there DZB!!! I would certainly tell my daughters to stay clear of that friend or dump them immediately!! I do agree with you completely!! Thanks much for your reply!! :)
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
19 Feb 07
It sounds like it is very likely to be your friend that is the one who has been stealing from you. However, if this was me after 15 years of friendship I would want to know why, if she has never stolen from you before, she has suddenly started to do so now. I am assuming that this has never happened before. I would trap her by doing as your friend suggested so that money is left for her to take, and confront her, as this is the only way she is likely to admit what she has been doing. Then, I would end the friendship.
Are you sure that after 15 years, that this is the first time something like this has happened? If so it would seem very odd. Either way, she does not deserve you as her friend and other people deserve to know that she is light fingered. It is one thing stealing from a shop etc - I am not condoning this behavior - but to steal from a best friend? This is despicable and shows that she is either (a) lacking in any moral fiber whatsoever or (b) completely mad. Either way, whatever you decide to go about it, I would end the friendship with immediate effect.
1 person likes this
@classyphotobuggy (647)
• United States
19 Feb 07
Thanks so much for your reply BabyKay!! I can't be absolutely certain that this never happened before, but I don't recall ever missing any money in her presence, or anytime before these latest incidents. (this has been going on for about 6 months) I also agree with you, I don't condone this behavior, but from a best friend? I literally would have trusted her with raising my kids! It is totally despicable! I think she is lacking in any moral fiber, she has been dating a married man (that lives with his wife and kids) for close to 7 years now. As another friend said to me, if she can justify that behavior, she can justify anything in her own mind! Either that, or she is completely mad. Thank you sincerely for your reply!!! :)
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
19 Feb 07
hi Classyphotobuggy
It certainly sounds like your friend has little respect for other people - either their belongings or their relationships, if she has been engaging in this kind of behavior. It also sounds as if your other friends don't like her much either! In a way she is to be pitied, for she will have absolutely no friends left if this is the way she carries on. And no spouse either unless you count other women's. But you need to think of you and your children and ditch this so called friend before she takes something or does something that will cause permanent damage. Concentrate on your other friends and on building relationships with people you can trust and consider yourself lucky that you now know, beyond doubt that this person is no friend. Good Luck!
1 person likes this
@ShadyGrove (996)
• United States
19 Feb 07
That is really too bad. It will always change the way you think of your friend from now on.
I think you have to now take safeguards that you didn't use to take. Keep your money safe and hidden from view. You will never be able to trust her in your house out of view now either.
I don't know if you can confide in her how the money has been missing and you think someone stole it - and go on to tell her how if affects you personally and financially. She may not admit it, but at least you will know that she knows how it made you feel and how it has put so much stress on you.
Other than this was she a good friend? She might have a sickness or have other things going on that you don't know about where she needs the money -- No excuse for her actions, but something you may want to explore.
Best of luck with this.
1 person likes this
@Eiloin (327)
•
26 Feb 07
Ok, this is a really hard situation. I have though a lot my answer, because I have been myself in a similar situation some years ago, and it was not just a friend but a much closer person. I could not prove it was that person, but I was pretty sure about it, it was far too obvious.
I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to accuse him, but I didn’t know how I would ever trust him again. To be clearer, this person was family. I was not aware of his economic situation, but I had reasons to believe he was going through problems.
Finally, and having realised that I just couldn’t throw this person out of my life, neither could I let other people know about the situation, I decided to talk with him.
And that’s how I would suggest you to deal with the situation. Talk to your friend clearly. Anyway, after 15 years of friendship, she deserves your full sincerity, even if she is not sincere with you. She might admit her fault and explain you the reasons which made her do such a thing. That’s what my cousin did when I talked to him, he explained me all the financial problems he was facing, and I tried to be supportive, and make clear that he could ask me for help whenever he feels he needs to do so, but I will not take such behaviour from him anymore.
Anyway, if she doesn’t admit this, be prepared that this might be the end of your friendship. But, still, a friendship which is not based in mutual sincerity, might not worth the way
@gramskaren (661)
• United States
19 Feb 07
To me she just does not deserve a friend like you. Not to mention she can actually keep doing it to you and you are a single parent to boot and have live off your money. How can people do that to others and keep coming back for more and then whip the money out in front of you. People are so hard to trust now adays. I would say you will have to not be her friend anymore unless you want more money to disappear or set her up and take care of the problem once and for all.
1 person likes this
@classyphotobuggy (647)
• United States
19 Feb 07
Thanks so much for your advice grams!! I agree completely, people are so hard to trust these days! Honestly, this has shaken my faith in everyone. To me, that is so sad. I can't be certain that she took the money from my wallet, but I do know I went to lunch with her both of those days. The bank envelope and money, I never found. I was devastated when I seen her whip out that new $10 bill. To be that blatantly obvious blew my mind! To top it off, whenever I did have money missing, she always had all kinds of ideas of who it could have been that stole the money. I posted this discussion because I just can't stop thinking about it and feeling hurt!! I think I'm just too trusting. Thanks for reading this long post! I sincerely appreciate your reply!! :)
@gramskaren (661)
• United States
19 Feb 07
No problem that is what this place is for isn't it. It is good to help others out when they need it.
1 person likes this
@seamonkey (1976)
• Ireland
8 Apr 07
Wow, that is really sad. It seems that she may have a genuine problem beyong just money troubles. I looked up the definition of kleptomania and this is what I discovered at WIKI: "Kleptomania (Greek: ???pte??, kleptein, "to steal", µa??a, "mania") is an inability or great difficultly in resisting impulses of stealing.
A person with this disorder is compelled to steal things, generally things of little or no value, such as pens, paper clips, small toys, or packets of sugar. Some may not be aware that they have committed the theft until later. The majority of kleptomaniacs sometimes have preferences to certain items (again, usually subconsciously); for example, batteries or television remote controls.
Kleptomania is distinguished from shoplifting or ordinary theft, as shoplifters and thieves generally steal for monetary value, or associated gains and usually display intent or premeditation, while people with kleptomania aren't necessarily contemplating the value of the items they steal or even the theft until they are compulsed.
Although a kleptomaniac may steal uncontrollably without realisation, judicial courts in the United Kingdom and United States generally do not accept kleptomania as an affirmative defense."
I guess you know your friend best and maybe it is time for a heart to heart talk with her? Stealing from you, whoa are such a close frined, may be a cry for help. Otherwise, i would cut the cord.
@villageanne (8553)
• United States
26 Feb 07
Well to be honest, they must not be as good a friend as you think they are because a true frined would never do that under any circumstances.
