My last marriage failed now I am scared to marry again

United States
February 25, 2007 6:12pm CST
I call my girlfriend my wife we have been together that long. Living as married. But, honestly we are not legally married but every thinks we are. Its amazing how I feel married I call her my wife but officially we are not married. Should I marry her or am I living in sin or not respecting our relationship? Most of our friends and nieghbors think we are married and we dont tell them different. What should I do. Even in these discussions I reference my wife many times and the truth is we are not married.
5 people like this
34 responses
@Iccara (131)
• Australia
26 Feb 07
its great that you have that kind of relationship with your girl.Sometimes once you have that piece of paper everything goes bad, but personally i think if you are that close then i dont think there will be a problem. Getting married to some people is only just a piece of paper. If you are married in the heart that is the main thing. SOme people dont wearing wedding rings because they know they are married, but for others looking at their hand and seeing a wedding ring makes them feel loved and secure. Talk to your girl and see what she thinks. Maybe she wants to get married but isnt saying anything. You wouldnt want to look back and say "we should of got married sooner". Are there kids on the horizon? if you are thinking of having children then maybe it is a good time to propose and tie the knot. Personally i want my childs birth certificate to have all the same last name, not different ones. Anyway im glad you are happy and hope that you talk to her and come to a great agreement.
2 people like this
• United States
26 Feb 07
Yes you right thanks for commenting.
@Iccara (131)
• Australia
26 Feb 07
no problem... thanks for giving me the best comment!!! YAY!!
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Feb 07
If you call her your wife in some states you may already be considered common law married. But if you are to scared to marry her and she is alright with not being married, then leave things as they are. Why fix what is not broken? This is comming from a woman who has been married for 6 years by the way. The main reason my husband and I got married was so he could add me on his heath insurance. We had been together for 5 years before we got married and nothing has changed much since.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Feb 07
Your right about the insurance thing, I could get married for that reason just seems trival
• United States
26 Feb 07
trivial spellings killin me
@ainee82 (618)
• Philippines
26 Feb 07
Being scared is normal. Yet, you must take the risk if you also want to have a chance to be happy. :)
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Feb 07
I am happy without the ceremony!
@7nicole1 (1634)
• Canada
26 Feb 07
Well married or not at least you found someone your ahppy being with and thats all that matters. I think when you and your girlfriend are ready to get married you will but I dont see any problems with what your doing now. To tell you the truth me and my girlfriend are the sameway, we have been together so long me say we are married even though we are not. Its weird but like I said when your ready then get married dont just do it because you think its the right thing to do.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Feb 07
good advise, thanks but what if your family thinks your should?
@tholitz (1127)
• Philippines
26 Feb 07
They say that one of the wishes or dream of a woman is to be married legally. I don't know if this is real but looking in your relationship I don't see any reason why you shouldn't marry her. You have already treated and introduced her as your wife and since your relationship have still been there for a long time is a proof that you are compatible and probably committed with one another. So why don't you surprise her by proposing a marriage, who knows maybe she's been waiting for this for a long time.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Feb 07
I have been married once before, and i have been divorced for over three years now. I live with my finace whom i refer to as my hubby. We have been together for about three years now and we are also living together. He had went through a bad marriage, and so have i. We plan on getting married, but we both keep putting it off. I think sometimes it's best to be together without the marriage part.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
26 Feb 07
You should marry her if you think you love her enough..If ever you failed once in your marriage it doen't mean they are the same person..maybe this girl is the right one for you if you think she is worth marrying go for it.
1 person likes this
@Mohan321 (24)
• India
26 Feb 07
If u really love then marrie her ,and be enjoying in your life do not look at the past, past is gone we cant get past again so do not look at the past and be thing of next day life then u will be grate
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Feb 07
If you truely love someone, then dont look back on what happened. THANKS!
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Feb 07
My husband's cousin is not married to her boyfriend and they are happier that way. They have kids together and they have a house. They have been together for a decade or more. Marriage is just a piece of paper. It's a choice. You do not have to be married if you do not want to. Unless your girlfriend is pressuring you to. You can always be together without that piece of paper. Some reasons to get married is if you have medical insurance at your job and you need to include your family in it (your wife and kids) because they don't have any insurance and life insurance, if possible. And also pension plan. Can you girlfriend support herself and your kids after your gone? Another reason is for tax breaks. Just because your other marriage failed doesn't mean your current relationship will. Marriage on a piece of paper is different from a relationship. Relationship take work.
1 person likes this
@LittleMel (14055)
• Canada
26 Feb 07
Well I own a wedding business so of course I will suggest you get married :) but to be fair, it's all up to you both. Does she want to get married? If she does and has told you that, maybe you should try to get over your fear. Try to honestly assess your previous marriage experience, what were the situations and how much you contributed to the failure. There are 2 people in a marriage, every one of you contribute to the success and failure. Then you can talk about it with your gf. If she's not concerned about getting married, then just live your life the way you want to. People still commit sins even if they are married !
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21588)
26 Feb 07
It's something you need to discuss with your girlfriend, I would think. Does she want to get married. If so, I think you should consider it, for if you're living together and everybody around you thinks you are married, then you must be good together. To be honest, there's more security in being married and this relationship is obviously better than your previous, so I say, go ahead and ask her! Brightest Blessings.
1 person likes this
@lilaclady (28240)
• Australia
26 Feb 07
You are married in your heart that is all that matters, if both of you are happy this way then there is no problem, sometimes I think it is the actual legalality of marriage that ruins it sometimes, partners take each other for granted sometimes, they stop showing their love, just stay happy thats important...
• Philippines
26 Feb 07
Every relatioship is different.. If you have been disappointed by a failed relationship with a loved one, you must realized that each relationship is unique. Don't let your failed relationship with your first marriage convince you lack the ability to get married again because you're afraid of the consequences.. cheers
• United States
26 Feb 07
okay sure, but thats not the deal, I am not neccessarily scared, I am just happy like I am and sometimes you dont fix it if it aint broke
@mzbubblie (3840)
• United States
26 Feb 07
I'm divorced myself. I say if both you two are comfortable how you are now, wait until you are comfortable or talk to her about it if it really bothers you. It's really what you two want not what anyone else wants or think what you two need to do. If you happy, leave it until the time is right, and you and her will both know when the time is right..Enjoy what you share...It's no one business anyways...good luck to you and your wife...
@Y3110w (113)
• United States
26 Feb 07
Well depending on what state you live in you might be married under the Common law marriage...depending on how long you have lived together. So you might just be able to call her your wife.
@micfac7 (158)
• United States
26 Feb 07
If you love her and things are great, then I see marriage as an option. Don't base your future on your past. She didn't have anything to do with that part of your life. Some people look at it like if it's good, then why change things....look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. Then look at the other side....unless you're in a state where 'common law' is in effect, then if something happened to either one of you, the other wouldn't have many rights. Doing up a Will in either case is the smart thing. Go with your heart. She deserves a husband and you deserve a wife. :) Good luck.
@jtwade (37)
• United States
26 Feb 07
I feel like you should talk to your girlfriend about it. If you two are truly happy this way than so be it. But. . .If you or her are telling people that you are aleady married, then maybe you aren't truly happy not being married. Maybe deep down you truly do want to be married and that could be why you (or her) are telling people that you are. Again, I still think that this is something to talk to your girlfriend about, though.
@Newbie11 (197)
• United States
26 Feb 07
You are married or not that doesnot matters.What matters is a loyal relationship.If you both are loyal and faithful to each other that is more strong bond than legal bond.Living together is not a sin.Donot bother about friends and relatives.Bond is between both of you not between them.
@sarajw (85)
26 Feb 07
I think it's lovely that you refer to her as your wife and that to me says you do respect the relationship. As for getting married, would it change anything for you both? If your happy as you are then why change things. Hope you have lots of happy years ahead of you both.