how not to change
By linda28
@linda28 (24)
Ireland
February 28, 2007 3:32am CST
is it possible to fall in love properly without letting your spouse/partner change you. I'm about to separater from my husband having been together for 12 years and married for three. Our relationship really started to go downhill after our daughter was born, he seemed quite content to let me do everything while he just backed away and started drinking. Perhaps the old saying that children show you how strong the relationship really is, instead of pulling together we grew further apart. i let him change me because of his moods, drinking etc. - why do I do that, the result is i feel absolutely nothing for him now
1 person likes this
2 responses
@teenal (1400)
• Dublin, Ireland
1 Mar 07
I think its impossible not to change when a child comes along. Your whole focus on life changes especially if you are the main caregiver to the child. Unfortuantley if your partner stays the same and carries on as he always did you are going to have problems as your lives begin to drift in different directions. I dont think you let him change you. You both had a baby and that is a life changing experience for any couple. You just grew up and took responsibility and he didnt. I had the same situation about 12 yrs ago and I split up. Im now back with my hubby after 12 yrs apart (the hard years). He still doesnt take as much responsibility as I feel he should, and he drinks too much for my liking but I dont need him to do the things I used to need him to do anymore.I dont think he will ever really grow up but Ive dealt with bringing up the children and buying the house etc.. on my own and they are now, no longer the focus of my life as they once had to be.I can enjoy his support and company without needing him to pull his weight all the time.
Being single isnt so bad nowdays either - I loved it apart from the money side. It is wonderfull to stand on your own two feet and it gives you a great sense of self worth, which you would never get in a marraige where you are both living seperate lives under the same roof. Thats soul destroying. Good luck to you and I hope all works out well.
@teenal (1400)
• Dublin, Ireland
2 Mar 07
Its uncanny how similar your tale is to mine. Even down to the slagging off bit and the diary- spooky. Im still not sure I did the right thing in going back to my man after 12 years. He is totally self centered. The drinking gets to me too although its not every night. Watch this space. Good luck to youu anyway. For what it is worth I think youre doing the right thing.
@linda28 (24)
• Ireland
2 Mar 07
Teenal, I don't understand how you could live apart for twelve years and then go back, how long were you together when you split first time round?
i'm off househunting tomorrow with my daughter, was dreading leaving my own home, but you know what - it's all part of a fresh start, no bad memories and all that for both of us, and as long as she's happy, i'd live in a hut!!
Thnaks for your kind words and vote of confidence
@sugarnspice (110)
• United Arab Emirates
28 Feb 07
Linda, I hate to play devil's advocate here, but I would like you to think back to when your baby was born, did you share in the chores or did you do everything yourself, did you husband feel that you were too busy with the baby and had no time for him? I am not asking you to play the blame game here, just that I have seen that some mothers, concentrate totally on the newborn, forgetting sometimes that the other members of the family also need some attention. perhaps the relationship had a few problems and this brought it up but you have been together for so long, does your husband also want to separate? Are you sure you feel nothing for him? I am not for one second suggesting that you stay together despite all that has happened, but that you take a good look at your relationship and whether it is worth working at it or just ending it. I hope that you make the right decision and I wish you all the very best in the future, you and your family.
