Terrorism Explained! A Dialogue
February 28, 2007 1:12pm CST
Archie: You know, Hubert, I just don't understand this "War on Terror" they're all talking about. Hubert: I understand, Archie, there are many complex issues involved and one should tread carefully to avoid over-glibness in one's analysis. But basically, I shall try to boil it down for you. You see this wheel of cheese? Archie: My God, now I understand! Hubert: Yes. You see, Archie, terrorism is a serious issue, and as such has its own website, http://www.terrorism.org. For example, suppose you and your family were covered with fine white sand. Archie: That's eerily easy to imagine. Hubert: Indeed. Now imagine that instead of sand, it was dynamite. Archie: Like this stick of dynamire in my singlet? Hubert: Like that, but not pork-based. Archie: I see. So terrorism is not pork-based? Interesting. Hubert: The point is, terrorists threaten our way of life. If you and I were to walk to the corner shop, say, we could, in loud, braying voices, demand a tube of chocolate buttons. Archie: Oh Hubert! Hubert: But if the terrorists had THEIR way, we could not perform this simple affirmation of liberty. We would have to face Mecca instead of going to the shop. And instead of buying chocolate buttons, we would have to set fire to adulteresses. Archie: That's terrible! Some of my best friends are adulteresses! So these "terrorists" wish to promulgate terror? Hubert: Yes, they do. They promulgate as hard as they can, with every muscle at their disposal. And so the "War On Terror" is there to stop them. Archie: I begin to see. But how does the War work? Hubert: Well, you remember World War Two? Archie: God yes. The dancing, the wine, the mad, passionate embraces... Hubert: Yes. The War on Terror is broadly similar. Whereas the Germans invaded Poland, the terrorists have now invaded our very MINDS! And so we are terrified. And just as we defeated the Germans with clean-limbed athleticism and cunning wordplay, so we shall defeat Terror through vague confused glances and the reckless ignition of cocktails. Let me illustrate the specifics, not through speech, but through the movement of the human body. Archie: That was wonderful. Would terrorists allow us to be so gloriously nude? Hubert: Not bloody likely. Archie: "Not bloody likely"? Are you a Cockney now? Hubert: Yes, I am. I am a Cockney for today. Because I am free to be so. You know who would not let me be a cockney, if they had their way, ol' buttercake? Archie: The terrorists? Hubert: Bloody right. Archie: Thank you so much, Hubert. Knowledge IS power!