Here's the dilemma....

@tad1fan (3373)
Canada
March 1, 2007 4:12am CST
A girlfriend of mine was date raped,she knew who the rapist was and became pregnant as a result.....before she went to the police,she wanted to confront this guy and ask why he'd do this.....during their 'talk',she told him she was pregnant because of this and he begged her not to go to the police,it would ruin his future.....what does he think he did,did for her future?Anyways he promised her that he would sign over all his parental rights and NEVER darken her doorstep again.She agreed to this and is now having the dilemma of her 7 year old asking questions about his daddy.....I feel she was not only a victim of rape,she was also the victim of manipulation......what do you think of this?
1 person likes this
4 responses
@Mattali (15)
• Australia
1 Mar 07
It is unfortunate that the child is also the victim - he deserves a father if there is one out there but the way in which he was concieved really questions the father fitness. Your girlfriend was definately manipulated. Once bitten twice shy! Maybe she could tell her son what she would have told him if she had not known her rapist. If it were me having to make the decision then I would tell him some form of the truth - his daddy was a naughty boy and isn't allow to come back until they are older (when he turns 18 he can make up is own mind). she is going to have to tell him the whole truth one day and better to have started out telling the truth. When he is old enough he can make up his own mind and I can bet that he won't want a thing to do with him once he finds out. Little boys and even big ones will always love their mums and never let any harm come to them.
2 people like this
• United States
1 Mar 07
I agree! some form of the truth, broken down so that a child can understand it, is always better than a lie. The truth almost always comes out eventually, so instead of trying to fight it, she should lay the groundwork for the future by being as honest as she can with her son. What a terrible situation your friend is/was in! It sounds as though she was manipulated terribly, and abused, by this person. I wish more women went to the police immediately upon the crime being committed, so that they could use a rape kit and collect necessary evidence, but i understand what a difficult process it is, and how violated the poor women feel already. my heart goes out to your friend.
@tad1fan (3373)
• Canada
1 Mar 07
Thank you for your response,Mattali.....This is what I told her.....tell him the truth,not the whole truth though,what 7 year old needs to hear he was an 'unwanted' child from the beginning?But he needs to understand that he does have a 'daddy' out there,somewhere and when he's older he can make the decision as to whether he wants him in his life.....he can even be told than how he was conceived,when he can understand.....
1 person likes this
@mzbubblie (3840)
• United States
2 Mar 07
WOW, this is a really hard question, however, for the child's sake if he/she wants to know, the parent should at least try to contact this man. I know it's a hard decision and..I'm sitting there thinking as I type. I honestly am at a lost for words. Because the crime alone was so wrong, but the life that now wants to know the past, it's hard to just make a decision..If it was me, just for my sanity, I probably would contact the man, even if it killed me to let him know that his child wants to know. At least whatever he decide, whether he agree or not, I know within self I did all I could do. I would talk to my child in the most positive way I could if he decided not to speak. Hard Topic ...
1 person likes this
@tad1fan (3373)
• Canada
3 Mar 07
It is an extememly difficult topic but she needs to address it sooner or later.....myself,I don't think she should tell a 7 year old anything about the way he became.....as for the dad,he wants nothing to do with him,he's made that perfectly clear through an acquaintance....I don't know what to tell her either,that's why I brought it up on here,hoping to get some suggestions to pass onto her.....
1 person likes this
@yvonne1968 (1065)
• United States
2 Mar 07
if i was in that situation i think i wouldnt of let myself be manipulated like that. I would of went to the police or not. He was worried about ruining his future. Now what about hers and all the questions her son is now asking her.
@tad1fan (3373)
• Canada
3 Mar 07
That's what we tried to tell her too but she didn't see it that way and didn't want to have to live through telling all what happened in a court room.....I feel more sorry for the child than I do her,she made her decision and now she has to figure out how to live with it
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Mar 07
Whatever the reason she gave for the rape not being reported was not only wrong but stupid. How many other women have been raped by this man, how many other children are asking the same question??? She could have stopped it going any further. It would have been better to if she could tell her child that his/her father had committed a crime and was punished for it.
1 person likes this
@tad1fan (3373)
• Canada
2 Mar 07
Thank you for responding heather.....ITA....she felt at the time,because it was 'date rape' that she'd be blamed too....there is so much BS in the world today about the way women dress that they are 'asking for it'.....we don't know of it ever happening again,and we did make it known to the girls in the community......I agree that he should have been charged but like I said earlier,this is not the community it happens in......all she was worried about at the time was getting rid of him and having a healthy,fatherless baby.....I don't think she thought of the aftermath,or the future
1 person likes this