do u really love your partner?
March 14, 2007 11:35am CST
Emotional Mess: How many good days, months, even years have you wasted holding on to "love"? I’ve done my share of it. And I know you have, because I read the e-mails. So why do we do it?We do it because where love is concerned, particularly bad love, we have a very screwy sense of time and reality. Although we are LIVING in the here and now, we are LOVING either in the past or in the future. First, let’s agree on your here and now: your reality. I’m not talking about the so-called reality we see on television but your own personal reality that you’re experiencing today, this minute. Your reality right now is sitting and reading this. You’re doing it in a certain place, wearing certain clothes. At this moment in time, your health has a particular condition, your hair is one way or another, you’re at work or at home, maybe drinking coffee. It’s night or day, rainy or clear. That’s your reality. There’s another reality as well -– the one dealing with your relationship. This instant, this very instant, when you think of your partner/lover/spouse, what is your reality? Happy? Sad? Frustrated? Fulfilled? Disappointed? This is also your reality. It is not the past. It is not the future. It is now. So when you say you love your current partner/lover/spouse, exactly what moment in time are you talking about? Can you say you love that person for the way he or she is at this moment? For the way you are being treated at this moment in time? For the way she makes you feel at this instant?At this time in your relationship, is your partner being honest and loving? Is he demonstrating by his words and actions that you are a priority, that he cares about you and wants to be with you, or work with you to make things better? No matter how you answer these questions, this is your reality. If you answered “yes” to most of the above, your love is your reality. It doesn’t matter what the past was, or what the future holds. You’re living and loving the same thing. However, if you answered “no” a lot, it’s a different story. If you answered “no” to several questions, and you still tell me you love him, what exactly are you loving? I think it’s either one of two things: You’re either loving the past you once had or the future you HOPE you will. But that’s a whole lot different from loving the PERSON right now. You may love what happened in the past, and remember fondly what went on then. But you cannot live there now. It’s gone. Done. Over. No matter how great it was, it’s not what’s happening now. There is no point in holding on to love because of what once was. No matter how great it was (or seemed like it was), what matters now is only what IS. You cannot go back. You can only go forward. But you can only go forward so far. I don’t know about you, but I’m not very good at foretelling the future. I can make some pretty good guesses about tomorrow, maybe as far as next week, but that’s about it. Okay, in a stretch, maybe even a month from now, but beyond that, forget it. Then I’m just making it up. I’m hoping. If you keep holding on to love for someone because you’re hoping maybe, just maybe, the future may be a little different and everything will change and you’ll get what you want, I think you’re making a mistake. If you’re hoping your lover may change, or say the magic words, or turn back into the person you first met, despite the fact that there is nothing in his current behavior or words to indicate he’s interested in doing any of that, exactly what do you think is going to occur to make it happen? A voodoo spell? A genie?I’m not saying you should always ditch your relationship if it’s not what you want right this minute. People have moods and go through good and bad spells. But if the person you’re with is not committed to you here and now, not dedicated to working with you today and the next, he or she is not worthy of your love, no matter what happened in the past, or what you hope for in the future. Now tell me do u really love your partner?