Why is being so jelious so hard to get passed?

@Mollyjo (268)
United States
March 16, 2007 12:10am CST
Today my husband got very angry over me stopping by to see a friend for 5 minutes. I have know this friend since he was born. We grew up together and we are very close, yes he is a guy but, we are so close that we consider each other brother and sister. My friend is moving in with his nephew that is the age of 20 and I have only met him about 3 times. I went by there this evening to see the house that they are buying together and to congratulate him on getting a place of his own outside of his parents. I did call to see if his nephew was there before I went by and he told me that he had left and was going back to his moms house to rest. I was in town and was picking up pizza for supper so I stopped by to see his new pad. Any way to my surprise his nephew was there and so was my friend. I went in and took the tour and talked to them for about 5 minutes and then left. I have been married for almost 14 years at the end of this month and my husband still has this idea that I want to chase after this 20 year old kid. I have tried to talk to him about it and tell him that he is just a kid but, he still insists that I am going by there just to see him. I have absoulutly no interest in him and I was just there seeing my friend. My husband knows my friend very well and he doesn't care that I would stop by to see him but he has a problem with his nephew. I made the mistake of telling my husband about a dream that his nephew had about me. He dreamed that I was this sexy beauty and that we did something together. This was way before he even met me, I had just talked to him on the phone and thanked him for saving my friends life one night. He had tried to commit suicide by drinking weed killer and antifreeze. I just wanted to let him know how greatful I was that he was there for helping him and calling an ambulance and taking him to the hospital. My friend did this because he had lost his wife over another man and was so hurt that he didn't want to go on any longer but, now he is doing great and is getting help. I don't talk to my friend all the time just a few days a week in fact my husband wants me to call him and see how he is doing more then I call him on my own. I found the dream to be comical and not meaning anything as well as they did too but, my husband sees it in different eyes. He seems to think that this kid has the hots for me and he thinks that I am going to leave him for this young kid. To be frank and honest with you I am at my ends rope and don't know what to do. I have tried to talk to him about it and he just gets angry with me. I don't understand why in the world he is so afraid of loosing me after all these years. I love him so much and I have no desire to see any one else. He is the one I love an married. I am just tired of being accused of something and distrusted for something that will never happen. What should I do or say? My heart is breaking to think my husband feels this way.
4 people like this
7 responses
@crazy_me (591)
• Philippines
16 Mar 07
When we love someone, it is normal to be jealous. Most of the time jealousies happen because we do not want to lose the one we love. But there are also instances that insecurities are the causes of jealousies. In your case, I think it is the combination of those two. Your husband loves you so he does not want you to be attracted to any other guy. He could probably be insecure also because your friend's nephew is younger than him. Add to that the dream that you told your husband. He must have thought that you dreamt about the 20-year old guy because you have a hidden desire for him. For now, I believe it would be good to not go to your friend's place. If you want to see him, invite him to your house.
@Mollyjo (268)
• United States
17 Mar 07
He knows that it wasn't me that had the dream, we all have talked about it. I guess my husband is just afraid of loosing me to a younger man, he finally did talk to me about it this evening and explained calmly why he felt so bad about it. He also did appologize to me for behaving the way he did. I guess he had time to think it over from yesterday and today that he knew down deep in his heart that he made a mistake. I just hope that he doesn't have another spurt of it again, it is horrible seeing a green eyed monster on someone's shoulder. Any way I am greatful for you response and giving me your imput. Every bit helps and it can give me a better understanding to why guys do the things they do.
• United States
16 Mar 07
Jealousy often is a result in a lack of confidence in one's self. The conviction that most other men are smarter, most other women more attractive; the feeling that no one could love me; such are the base of insecurity causing much jealousy. Not until confidence is established can jealousy be overcome. The cure is not always so simple. The reasons for a lack of self-confidence may lie deeply hidden in the subconscious. Cure may involve extensive analysis and treatment. If it is not dealt with is can completely destroy any relationship. Hope this helps as I also have been subject to a jealous husband without reason.
2 people like this
@ZenDove (698)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I understand how hard this is on you because my husband in irrationally jealous, too. I've tried to reason with him and reassure him, until I realized that jealousy cannot be reasoned with. I've never given him actual cause to be jealous but he has been hurt by betrayal in the past. Is this the case with your husband? If it is, maybe you can get him to talk about what happened, give him non-judgmental opportunities to vent and get the past out of his system. Maybe then he'll begin to realize that you are not the same as the person that betrayed him and that you never will do so. If his insecurities do stem from the past, he will realize that he is carrying baggage and making you pay for it. If it is not a particular incident in his past relationships, it may be something deeper that is sparking his insecurity. What is his relationship like with his mother? Did she work, did she date or remarry? Did she leave while he was young? Any of these situations can cause feelings of insecurity and abandonment in the undeveloped psyche of a child. Until these feelings are identified at their source and faced head on, we will be plagued by them, even as adults. Bottomline, his insecurites come from within hisself. Your friendships with others just make an easy target. As his loving partner, you may have to do double-duty as an amatuer psychoanalyst. Most wives do! Empower yourself by researching psychology and self-help books/websites on the subjects of jealousy and insecurity. The only way you can fight the demons of his past is to arm yourself with knowledge, patience and love. Giving in to your own feelings of defensiveness and fear only compound the problem with fights and hurt feelings. Remember, you have done nothing wrong. There is no need to fight, only to seek understanding. You can conquer this. You have been married to this man for 14 years. No one knows him like you do, not even him. Things are getting better already!
1 person likes this
@ZenDove (698)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I have just read the preceding responses and, I have to say, I do not agree. It is not loving to act out jealously. It is immature and unhealthy. Respect and trust are key elements for an adult relationship. When women come on to my husband, I tease him about what a stud he is. I may say something like, "Gee, she's cute but she's gonna look funny with her eyes scratched out!" Yet, I never accuse him, I don't distrust him. I respect the fact that he made a vow of fidelity to me. It's flattering when someone else admires your mate. It shouldn't make you angry. I don't suggest kowtowing to insecurities by avoiding friends, situations or clothing that "makes" someone else jealous. When I act out of jealousy I am not saying that I love you. I am saying that I don't trust you, I don't respect your intentions or your morals. We are adults, people, let's set our standards accordingly.
1 person likes this
@Mollyjo (268)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I do know that he does have a lot of past history from his childhood that is not so great. Both of his parents were and are alcholics. He never really had a dad even though he lived with them and his mother did begin to give in and start going with his dad to bars and such. I have gone to counciling and I have learned that jelious is not love, yeah it is a normal reaction for most people. The thing is I do feel that you have a wonderful insight on this situation, I did read and make posts to the above responses and this one does bring more sense to me on how to deal with it and how to find a solution. Having an insecurity in your life is hard to deal with and even harder to understand why it is there. I will do some research on this and do some reading about it. I have done other research on other problems that we have had and it gave me good suggestions on how to help the problem. The last thing I want to do is build up a defensive wall towards him, I want to be there and love him plus help him cope and your right I do know my husband very well. So well infact that I know what he is thinking before he says it. lol I do appreciate the wonderful response. Thank you so much.
2 people like this
@MABEL24 (63)
16 Mar 07
i don't know, is weird, i dont want my husband to be jealous, but yet a little jalousy feels good with the fact that you feel loved but at the same time i am very jealous so i dont even know......i just put it this way, would you rather him not care at all and let you talk to whoever? that will mean that exactly "he dont care" and if he still gets jealous after all this years well then that means he loves you the same since he met you so look at it that way, would you really be ok if he does the same exact thing you are doing?i'm nit saying what you doing is wrong but just look at the good sides you know? feel special about that....that's how i do it and i dont get stressed out
1 person likes this
@Mollyjo (268)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Thank you for the insight, sometimes I think it is easier to have a stranger tell you what you are doing wrong then it is a person you are very close to. I know he still loves me very much and He does have friends that he stops by and sees. In fact I think that his insecurity may be due to the fact that one of his friends that he stopped by to see was a girl and he did begin to fall for her but, he hadn't know her for very long. Maybe this is the reason why he is so worried, but she was his age and yes she was married as well. I don't know? He actually talks more to my friend more then I do, but it doeasn't make it any easier. I just know that some of you may be thinking in the back of your mind is this friend really a friend or is he more? We did grow up so close and I can even remember our mothers giving us a bath together in a baby pool one summer in the front yard. lol I consider him to be my brother but we just have different parents. I am greatful for your response and I does give me new insight on the situation. Thank you.
1 person likes this
@ratburn (939)
• Philippines
16 Mar 07
you have to understand your husband too. you've been married for 14 years and that's quite long, however he fears that you might leave him for a younger man. i've never been married so i can only say how i see things. might be wrong :). anyway, i think that he trusts you. maybe he just doesn't trust that young man because of the dream he had. reassure your husband that he's still the most handsome man you've ever met. look at it the other way around, suppose there is this young girl who dreams about your husband. wouldn't you be jealous? you trust your husband but you might not trust the girl, and you wouldn't want your husband seeing that girl. also, try to avoid seeing that young man. i know you didn't go there purposely but avoid circumstances of you two meeting. tell your husband this will not happen again. and that you will try your best to not let your paths cross. think of the bright side, your husband loves you sooo much that's why he is acting that way. he is protective of you because he wants you to be his forever. if your husband wasn't jealous at all, that's the time you worry. it means you mean nothing to him. good luck! i hope you fix things soon!
@Mollyjo (268)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I do feel that you may have something here. My husband did say that he didn't care if I went by there to see Jason but, he didn't want me to if Justin was there. Any way, I can try to reassure him this way and I have no problem with avoiding this younger kid but, is it the best thing to do? I want him to have full trust in me, not to have distrust and have fears. We have 4 beautiful girls together and one of them is very sick, through our daughter's illness and other problems that arise I have never stopped loving him. In fact it has made my love grow more for him, so why would I give up all these years and walk away for a younger man? My husband is my love and always will be.
1 person likes this
@ratburn (939)
• Philippines
17 Mar 07
i think reassuring your husband that you will try to avoid that young man will be enough. i assume he loves you so much and that he understands you too. it's nice to see that true love still happens. good luck in your marriage. i know there's nothing you guys can't talk about.
• United States
17 Mar 07
I think you have already did the best thing by reading all the responses... talk it out!! Thats great.. communication is the key to succes in every aspect of life. Now as for that young man... having only spoke to him on the phone once and he tell you that he had an intimate dream about you was a little forward of him. I do think he had or has some infatuation with you and it might do him good to have a talking to as well. I would not appreciate a stranger telling me these kinds of things as I'm sure it made you feel uncomfortable as well. So to a point, your husband had a right to be angered, but he pointed his anger at the wrong person. But that seems to happen to us all, when we are angy , the person whom we are closest to usually gets the blunt of it. I am so glad yall talked it out!!
• Philippines
17 Mar 07
Jealousy is a DESEASE!!! Hope your husband will get well soon!!!!