The relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law.....
@royal52gens (5488)
United States
March 16, 2007 2:00pm CST
The relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law most of the time is not as close as some other relationships although it can be a good relationship.
My mother-in-law and I have never been real close. She is dying of cancer and has asked the family to step up by helping her with things. I made arrangements at work to have one day off each week so I can spend that day with my mother-in-law. Each week, I go and get her mail, spend time with her, talk with her, do the dishes, clean a few counters, walls or cupboards. My sister-in-law does a lot more but she is a lot more comfortable also.
Each week, my mother-in-law has a special project that she would like us to work on together like cleaning out a closet or a drawer. I enjoy these tasks because she is leading the tasks. While we are doing things, she tells a lot of stories which I really enjoy listening to.
I have dealt with many other people going through the dying process over my years so I know what to expect or so I thought. Every once in awhile, my mother-in-law will say something hurtful to me and then wait for my reaction. Usually, I am so stunned I don't even know what to say or how to react. It just ruins the afternoon for me.
She asked for help and then takes the opportunity to be mean. I don't understand that kind of behavior in people, sick or not. I just want to scream at her, stomp out of the house and never go back while allowing her to die alone. Is this just part of the dying process, a deep seated anger or something else? I can't talk to my husband about this cause he thinks his mother is a perfect woman/angel. He does not see that she is human.
How can I protect myself from her hurtful words? I don't want to be left with bad feelings after she dies. We know she does not have much time left either. Am I just being too sensitive?? Is she taking advantage of the situation to hurt me?
What do you think????
3 people like this
18 responses
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
18 Mar 07
Does your sister in law notice these things? it seems very strange and a bit of a hard call not knowing the people involved.
1) You could just silently say a prayer for her and one for yourself when she does this. That will ease the immediate effect of the pain.
2) Say something loving and kind back to her it will put her in her place or make her squirm.
3) Laugh at her antics and encourage her to spill her guts and get it all out while she still has time and then let there be peace so my last memories of you are happy ones.
4) Ask her graciously and kindly if it would be better if you leave. Suggest that she may not be happy with you there and you'll be happy to forgo your assistance if it's not required.
You sound like a gentle loving soul and I wish this was not happening to you.
2 people like this
@royal52gens (5488)
• United States
18 Mar 07
I think my sister-in-law noticed it recently but we did not have an opportunity to talk about it alone. I did take note of the look on her face when her mother made one of her comments.
I do pray....a lot...for her and for me and for my family. I recite the Serenity Prayer to help guide me.
1 person likes this
@all4ucnc (861)
• United States
16 Mar 07
My mother-in-law and I are very close, so I can't relate to that, but my step mother is the hurtfil one for me. Always compared to her perfect children,
Was your mother-in-law always bitter toward you? or is this something new? If it's new then this may be her way of dealing with something that is coming but she has no control over.
If she has always been that way toward you then she probably is taking this opportunity to throw in some blows about how she feels....Remember 9 times out of 10 a mom will find fault in whoever her child decides to marry.
Try to find a common bond that you both like, and try to focus on that in conversation. You must have something in common, after all you both love her son. Right?
@royal52gens (5488)
• United States
16 Mar 07
You are right. This is a new change in her behavior and maybe that is why it surprises me so. Right again, it might be her way of dealing with dying and knowing she can't stop it. thank you.
@AskAlly (3625)
• Canada
17 Mar 07
Well call me a whimp or whatever you like, but I would just grin and bear it for now. She has so little time left and maybe you should just be the bigger person. I would even give her a great big old hug and tell her that you love her when she gets mean. It may give her some food for thought as well.
She must want attention, so give it to her, but in a loving way instead. Is it reallly worth the agony? Would you not rather remeber that you were loving to her right to the end?
I really feel for you. Being a caregiver is a hard job and hugs and cudos to you for doing this. Just hang in there. Sometimes people are mean because they are afraid and lonely and she is most likely scared as well. It could also be that she knows you love her and she feels "safe" venting at you because you won't turn on her. Kids do it all the time to their parents!?!
I hope and wish the best for you. If you find the load heavy to carry, please feel free to PM me in all CAPS. I have strong shoulders.
2 people like this
@no_chao (548)
• Philippines
17 Mar 07
wow.. that's long...
i'll give an advice to you!!.... but im afraid that this is not related with what you wrought becaus honestly.... i cant find time to read it.it was long enough to take me in to sleep. for someone like me who just got from work... woooo....
i think next time should go straight to the point and lessen sentenses...
thanks
1 person likes this
@royal52gens (5488)
• United States
18 Mar 07
Perhaps when you have more time and are not so tired, you will go back and slowly read the beginning discussion more thoroughly. Until then, thank you for stopping by.
As for my friends who truly understand me better, please utilize your translators on this message.
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
16 Mar 07
First of all I have to tell you I give you a ton of credit for taking a day off and going to help your mother in law. My mother in law takes every opportunity to put me down that I am so use to ignoring her. I think that if I were you I would continue to help as you have been. When she makes remarks you can tell her that she hurt you, or you can just ignore them knowing that she donesn't have much time left. Good luck and God Bless.
@proudmammabear (556)
• Canada
17 Mar 07
I think you have to ask yourself why what she is saying to you hurts? Why does it bother you? is there some truth to it, or is she just being nasty to get at you?
Maybe say hmm I think that was kind of rude, and tell her that perhaps you shouldn't bother comming buy if you make her unhappy etc.
maybe you have to just let it slide off your back or think of generic retorts that are not hurtful, but are clever and usually curb any discomfort. Kind of as a diversion.
@ukchriss (2097)
•
17 Mar 07
if she's treated you nicely up until now, then maybe its because of her illness.
I had a friend who was like this — dying of cancer and every now and then she would say something hurtful. one day I just asked her what was wrong that she felt she had to keep on hurting me with nasty words, she replied she hadn't realised she was doing so, but she also said she did feel angry with everyone around her because she was so ill and knew she wouldn't get better.
Her mum had heard us chatting and later on told me that the doctor had told the family the medication that she was on could affect her personality.
I myself have also been through cancer - I am in remission now and I know the tablets which I am on now (14 a day, for the rest of my life) do affect me.
Its hard to explain but I know I have said things which I didn't mean to say I just get so fed up at times. I also know I do take things out on people, so I have to go and sit by myself for a while till I feel ok.
Please don't feel bad, try not to be too sensitive, I am sure she doesn't really mean to hurt you. I don't know what kind of things she is saying but if you can try to laugh it off.
I remember one of the things my friend said once was.…
'You know I never really liked you I thought you were a toffee nosed bit.h!'
so I just replied — good job for you i didn't mind slumming it when going out with you then!
Just Try to joke about everything, I think that's the best way to handle this.
1 person likes this
@Fishmomma (11377)
• United States
17 Mar 07
I'm sorry your having a hard time with your mother-in-law and don't have any suggest to improve the situation. Sadly, my mother-in-law passed away from cancer and her last days were very hard. I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make at this time.
@alindahaw (1219)
• Philippines
17 Mar 07
Mother-in-laws could be mean at times. If your mother-in-law is hurting rihgt now, she would be a lot meaner that usual. A lot of people are difficult especially when they are sick. Just don't mind her remarks or whatever.
@Newbie11 (197)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Me and my mother in law share a very good relation and we are very good friends.We share our feelings with each other.But we never try to hurt each other.Sometimes we loose temper on each other again it becomes as before.Your mother in law has a different kind of mentality. Be patient with her as she has few more days left.Dying patients often suffer from mental disorder.As they are suffering from pain they want to give pain to others.
1 person likes this
@royal52gens (5488)
• United States
18 Mar 07
I totally agree with you and many others who have posted here....this change in her behavior could very well be related to her medications and illness. I am trying to be patient and loving. She is really good at catching me off guard and I think that is what is throwing me for a loop.
@kgsaravana (169)
• India
17 Mar 07
The relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should be as that of the relationhsip between a mother and daughter. Both have to understand this first. if they understand this one, there won't be any problem.
1 person likes this
@nageswari75 (675)
•
17 Mar 07
I think your mother in law is behaving that way.saying hurtful things to you becasue of her own deep seated frustration.She is dying of cancer, and she knows that.I think anyone in that situation would be thinking,"why me?".Which is why she says hurtful things toy ou every now and then.Please don't take her words to heart.I have seen people like that behaving much more atrociously that your MIL.She is a dying woman whose questions will never have a real answer.She would have wanted to live healthy,stick around for you and her daughter,al the family.But destiny has bore a heavy hand upon her, and sometimes she might just be saying these things to you for lack of a better way,time or place to say those hurtful things.I am sure she regrets them too.
I don't think she is taking advantage of you in this situation.She might not be thinking about you as a person to sort of,even out the troubles with.She is just a sick woman who is frustrated but at the same time,she is also trying to accept that she will have to go .Your sister in law might be having more of her nasty self,I think.I have seen daughters in my extended family,hating their sick moms or grannies becasue they said hurtful things in their sickness.That does not really work out.Please give her all the love you can while she is here.You will definitely cherish the moments that you spent with her.
@panicatthe (13)
• Canada
17 Mar 07
another hurtful story of mother and daughter... all i can say is.. good luck with the future
1 person likes this
@kaperkitty (1097)
• Canada
31 Mar 07
I do believe that she is taking advantage of being ill to get away with being mean knowing full well you will not fight back considering her situation. You really should let it go hon you do know in your heart your a far better person to let her have her spitefulness if it makes her feel better to be mean. you will have done your best to be kind to a dying woman ..your husband will not understand to him its his mom dying. I had the mil from hell she was straight out the most awful nasty person i have evr had the displeasure of knowing.Now my present husband;s mom is a wonderful lady a college professor who is very outspoken and expects me to be the same she says Cheryl if i say something you don't like speak up tell me how you feel. you a smart girl never doubt yourself. i'm so lucky to have them i call them my mom and dad too which i would have never done with my first in laws lol..you know how special you are hon let her have this pettiness and know you have done the right thing
big hugs
Cheryl
1 person likes this
@royal52gens (5488)
• United States
8 Apr 07
Thank you Cheryl for your kind words and advice. I will be taking it to heart.
An Update for all: My mother-in-law passed away on Monday with all of her family in attendance. It was very quiet. She had been in a coma for about 12 hours. She just drifted away from us and toward something new.
Now for the spooky clock thing. She passed at 5:55 p.m. At the far end of the house, an electric clock stopped at 5:55 p.m. About 3 hours later, the clock started again. Was she telling us when she got to Heaven's gate?? It was creepy.
@aweins (4199)
• India
17 Mar 07
hello my friend, its really bad to read the such what you are facing but i thank GOD that i m having a very sweet mother-in-law.she is obese and child like.she sometimes throw tantrums also.but i love her. when i met her , from that day i made up my mind that i'll never ever think that i m away from my biological mom.i gave her the same respect ,with the same feelings from my heart so that i never discriminate with her and she is so child like sometimes that i feel OH GOD !!!! if someone sees my mom that person will certainly feels that what is this?how can a 60 plus person behaves n talk in such a manner.but its ok with me. i knew that i m not the youngest here , she is the youngest.and she loves to be treated that way.
sometimes as she is human being only , says something that is very very hurting and at some times i feel it my insult too, but then too i never telll it to my husband about it. i handles that situation myself. she is quite proud in her behaviour and needs loads of importance given to her.
1 person likes this
@enchantedleppard (1541)
• United States
16 Mar 07
My future mother in law and I have a great relationship and for that I am so thankful. My father in law passed away in January from cancer and I can understand your situation. He was never a bitter person towards me but sometimes something would slip out, not about me, but it would be angry, and I knew he didn't mean it but also he didn't apologize. We had a mutual understanding and because of the situation, I let things slide. I'm glad I did and got to spend time with him before he passed. Best of luck to you.
1 person likes this
@serenidity (641)
• India
16 Mar 07
My mother in law is a gem of a person and i m so close to her that even the thought of her passing away brings tears to my eyes. She has been a wonderful mother and i can say she loves me nearly as much as her son. If i would b in your position, i wouldnt think too much of how she's behaving right now. She has such little time left, knowing that you are going to die is a difficult thing to deal with. You are doing your share of making it easier on her and i think you would make it easier on yourself too if you dont think about how she treats you rite now, just help her pass those last days. You have worse things to deal later on, your husband's grief on this loss. he will need all yoru support and care, bringing up this right now with him will do no good and probably pain him more.
1 person likes this
@jean_rose (415)
• Philippines
16 Mar 07
I also felt that way once when I lived near mother in law. I never wanted to, but so as not to clash with my husband, I gave in. It's a marriage after all and since we have lived with my parents already, I thought it was fair that I give in about us living near his mother. But he's a seaman so I had to live there with my kid and a helper. Things went on smoothly for a while until a certain person created ripples. We had misunderstandings which affected every member of her family. I made sure that whatever happened to us, her children knew. There simply came a time when I couldn't bear things anymore so I asked permission from my husband to find somewhere to live. He consented because he knows just how mean his mom is. I did not even tell my mom in law I was moving. And I told my husband the moment he came home that he can go to his mom and ask about what really happen so he can listen to both our stories --- and that he can make his decision afterwards. He never did. It took us more than three years to go to her mother's place again.
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