Tried everything! Time to give up?

Wow, I know how you feel. I personally have finally decided to call it quits. We got to the point also where we didn't even talk. I hated it. All of the responsibility fell on me. If I tried to talk to him about important decisions or even just everyday household decisions, I would get a "whatever" response from him. We talked about how things were and I heard the 'things will be different' speech a couple of times. I finally called it quits. This might not be what you want to hear, but I finally decided that I needed to be happy and that I couldn't stay with him forever just to keep from hurting his feelings.

your screen name implies that you have kids. in my opinion, you should have left a long time ago. the reason i say this is because i was traumatized by my parents' constant fights. i was so little and had to hear so much garbage from both of them. i would lay in bed each night and pray that they wouldnt fight tonight. it was so bad that when i was about 14, i finally asked my mom why she just didnt leave my dad, and she explained that she was doing it for us (the kids). i dont understand her reasoning though, how did she think it was better for us to stay in a family that was complete but yet, not happy. there was always tension in the air, and it always felt like we had to be picking sides. mom was doing one thing, dad was doing another....who are you going to spend time with? i hated it. i even grew up thinking that i would never get married. only stupid people got married because who else would want to go thru these kinds of fights every single day???? but i was young and didnt realize that their relationship wasnt typical, even though at the time i did think it was. take a good close look at your child, or children...if you love them, dont make them hav to keep hearing all of this arguing. even if you arent arguing in front of the kids, we can still sense the tension in the air. if neither one of you has the energy to try to make a real effort at making this marriage work, then dont make the kids suffer any longer.

Oh I'm sure you'll know when you reach the end of the road! Once there you'll have to turn the corner instantly! Maybe speaking as little as possible at the moment is for the best? However, screaming, hitting, yelling & letters will make things far worse! Perhaps he avoids you because of the screaming, hitting and yelling? (Yeah yeah - I know we all need to let off steam now and again).... You say you've been through a lot - problems do put a relationship out of sync - but only ONLY patience will resolve it. Have you thought of counselling? The basic question is of course: do you still love himn? MC

Have you tried counseling? It's not easy what you are going through, I know I recently separated from my exwife. My I tried everything, I suggested counseling repeatedly and she resisted the idea, in the end when she agreed to counseling it was too little too late, I could no longer take the lies and fights. Best of luck and I hope things work out for you for the best.

its just iam sorry to know this ..however i always make a point that i put all my efforts and once i realize its a waste i just go slient

Every relation needs to be mutual and if you don't find a solution call a quit. But, my personal suggestion is to try to repair the things because if you are leaving one for something trivial then its not worth.

Ahh SM,Now I've read some of your replies to your other posters. Did your husband seem to 'change' after a while? I mean was he charming, generous, witty, & attentive when you first knew him? Did he seem to be able to give you everything you've ever wanted? Did he speak 'your kind of language' and want the same things as you? Sadly some men can be charmers in order to ensnare/attract someone who might normally be totally what they consider to be beyond their reach. Abusive, domminant men are like this too at first. This kind of person can say all the right things, and give all the right responses to everything. Snag is - they can't keep it up! Did he (romantically) hurry you into marriage and babies? Did follow your every move and appear strong and reliable?If you can answer yes to most of these questions then it's likely you've been taken in by an abusive domminant man. Of course you want 'the old him back'. But what was the 'old' him? Really the kind, generous, witty, gentle man never actually existed. All that show of total in fron of your friends, all the hugging and kissing in front of yours and his parents coulda been for show.... So if that is the case - you may want to reconsider your options - because I doubt he can see what's happening - never mind about change! MC

I think you should prepare yourself, mentally and physically, to leave. Make sure you have your own bank account with enough money saved up to put down a deposit on an apartment. Figure out your expenses without his income. Look at apartments in the area you'd like to move to. This is important to do before you talk to him about it - it will help you to stay more calm while talking to him if you feel confident that you will be okay on your own. On your own is a lot easier than living with a partner who isn't a partner anymore. When you have done this, go to your husband and ask him if he still loves you and if he wants your marriage to work. If he says yes, you can suggest that you go to counseling together. If/when he says he doesn't need counseling, tell him that you need counseling and it would help you a lot if he could be there even though it's you who needs to talk to the counselor (hey, it might work). I figure if the relationship is not important enough to him for him to agree to that, it is not important enough for you to spend your energy on.