Advice desperatly needed... :(

Canada
March 23, 2007 6:41am CST
Hi everyone! I would really like to have your advice on a dilemma that has been tormenting me for a while now. My sister, who is 4 and a half years older than I am, treats her daughters badly. I know it is my opinion, and probably that she thinks that she is raising them properly. I always thought she, like me, would never do anything to hurt her children, since we share a past full of deceit and suffering. Our mother played a big role in that. She was never there for us, and our stepfather did all he wanted with us. As of today, she has two wonderful daughters, and is pregnant with a little boy. At first, when the second girl wasn't born, everything was going fine. My niece was the little angel, in the family. After my sister's second daughter was born, everything changed. My sister (I will name her Sonia for the time being) started to be less attentive to her eldest daughter's needs. I know it is difficult, since a baby requires a lot more attention than a child, but still... Things didn't get better. Worse, I'd say... The more time passes by, the more Sonia hurts her eldest. She keeps yelling at her everytime the girl gets near her little sister, even if she only wants to show some affection to her. The girl reacts very badly to this. The more Sonia yells, the more my niece becomes angry and aggressive. I can see that she doesn't like her sister very much, but I can't blame her. Plus, it is also obvious that she is terrified of her mother. Every time Sonia walks in a room where she is, I see her shoulders crisping, her eyes immediately fix the ground and she moves discretely as far away from her mother as possible. I know for sure that Sonia doesn't beat her physically, it's more emotionally that she tortures the poor girl. Doesn't she see that she is walking in the footsteps of our mother, and that in the end, it is her children who will have to pay for it? I really don't want my nieces to go through what I went through, but how can I possibly say something like that to my sister? The father of my nieces, my sister's husband, never wanted kids, unless it was a boy. So he doesn't take much care of them. And Sonia, whom does all she can to please him, is pregnant with a boy. What will become of her daughters when that little boy is born? If they were hard on the eldest when the second one was born, I can't imagine how it will be for them once their brother arrives... As if it wasn't enough, another problem comes in... I haven't mentioned the worst detail yet. About two months ago, I found out from a trusted source that the father was cheating on my sister. He may even have put one girl pregnant... Of course, my sister knows nothing of this. She is almost obsessed by him,, she idolizes him, and she does all in her power to please him, and that's his way of thanking her! So here is (after this very long message) my questions : Should I talk to her about her relationships with her daughters? About the fact that she is mean to her eldest, and that she is acting just like our mother did with us years ago? And if I do so, what happens if she just answers to mind my own business? My last question is : Should I tell her that her husband is cheating on her? Knowing my sister, if I do, she'll leave him and get divorced. But if she does that, I know the kids will suffer a lot from it. But is that what is best? I thank you a lot for your answers. I really need your advices, since I can't go on pretending everything is fine anymore. I just can't...
1 response
• United States
23 Mar 07
First let me say that I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this dilemma. I know it must be so hard for you! I'll just tell you what I would do. I would sit down with my sister and tell her what you see in regards to how she is treating her daughter. Remind her of the things you went through yourselves and how you can't sit back quietly and allow her to treat your niece the same way - that would make you no better than you own mother who turned the other cheek and let your step-father do what he wanted. Keeping quiet isn't going to help your niece out and if you did, she would have every right to question you when she got older as to why you didn't help her when you could. It would also be in the best interest of your nieces if you had this conversation before your nephew is born because you are right, it's not going to get better until someone reminds your sister of her behavior. I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut so that is what I would do. I would also tell her about her husband but you need to be prepared for her to deny it and not believe you. Her health is at risk with him sleeping around. I know you are thinking about the children and how hard it would be if their father and mother were divorced but how good will it be for them to grow up knowing their father is cheating on their mother and has children with various other women and no one thinks that is wrong? They will grow up thinking that is how a husband is suppose to treat his wife. You are in a hard spot and I do not envy you but you have to listen to your heart. If you were in her shoes, would you want her to tell you? How would you feel if she didn't and you found out later that it was going on and she didn't say anything? I wish you so much luck and I hope your sister is smart enough to listen to you with an open mind and an open heart.
• Canada
24 Mar 07
Thans for your help, Heaven. It means a lot. I still hesitate, since I forgot to say something in my first message. The godmother of my eldest niece, who was also our father's wife for more than ten years, also tried to talk about this to my sister. Not about the husband, but the rest I mean. Sonia didn't take it very well. This happenend about a year ago. Since then, she has kept the godmother from seing the kids. They don't talk to each other anymore, even thought they were very close efore this incident. So I'm scared that if I do talk to her about it, including the fact that her husband is cheating, she might do the same with me. I love my nieces, and I don't want to lose them. What if she keeps me from seing them?
• Malta
24 Mar 07
For their own sake you should talk to her even if she doesn't let you see them anymore! after all LOVING SOMEONE ALSO MEANS SACRIFICE. Who said you don't have to talk to her even if she doesn't want to talk to you. You should continue to phone her if this happens. I would start with reminding her of your worst episode with your mother, and continue with all the bad episodes. Frankly I would not mention anything about the husband cheating. If that was the only problem I would tell her, but to you the most important is the kids happiness not her own. She is an adult and will handle her own problem. She will not get a good picture of you when you mention the problem with the kids, just leave the husband's problem for some other time!
• Canada
24 Mar 07
Yeah, maybe you're right. Leaving the husband "problem" for another time may be the best thing to do. his way, it won't be "too much" at the same time. If I can get her to listen to me till the end of what I have to say about the kids, it would already be a miracle, since she usually changes subject when it doesn't please her. And you're also right about loving being also about sacrifice. I have to think aout the kids, instead of thinking about the fact that I may not see them for a while, once I've talked to my sister. Their happiness is what matters most. I have to concentrate on that, no matter what happens between me and my sister. Thanks again, Heaven.